***SIGH***

Here I go complaining again... as usual. Nothing ever works out, nothing is ever good enough. It seems that everywhere I go, everything I see turns around love, marriage, sex, and kids. Just rub it in my face. While this is a time for me when I'm trying to come to terms with and accept that these will most likely never be a part of my life, everything around me just reminds me of them. I cry when I see a show about parenting. I cry when I hear a love song. I cry when I hear people having problems with their spouse. I cry all the time.

So maybe I'm looking too far ahead, maybe I'm making some negative predictions or some fortune telling or whatever, but this is my reality at the moment and everything around me just sinks the dagger further down in the wound. All my life, all I ever wanted was to just live a simple life: have a husband, a few kids, a dog, a house, a job... But as the days and months and years go by, I realise that this will probably never be my reality. I can't see myself ever having the patience to tolerate living with someone. I get so irritated, so angry. There's this whole side of me nobody, or at least very few people, know about, that I hate, that I despise. I could never trust myself to have a child. I would be too scared to neglect him, and even worse, be violent. If I can't control myself with a cat who sleeps 16 hours a day, what would it be like with a baby, or a child, or a teenager?

I went to see the dermatologist today. She wants to put me on Accutane and gave me this whole booklet to read. The main emphasis is the danger of this medication during pregnancy. Guess there's no danger for me. I hear about pregnancy all the time, see pregnant women everywhere, friends are having babies or have had them recently. There's baby-talk and back-to-school talk everywhere. I know I'm still young and things have plenty of time to change - but they've already had plenty of time.

The dermatology resident today asked me why I became borderline... I couldn't answer her question. How does one explain the cause of their BPD in a sentence or two? How do you explain BPD to anyone? How do you get people to understand the extent of the pain, the emptiness, the confusion, the constant struggle between your wise mind and your emotional mind, and the sheer torture that is a simple day? How do you get professionals to understand that reading a book won't change anything, or that it takes more than willpower. How do you explain what you don't even understand?

I don't know why I bother... I don't know why I'm still here...