"It's like we were given just enough info to get an idea of whats going on but not enough to do anything about it."

This is so true, a response given to me by a fellow borderliner. I know and understand what's going on (sort of), but when it comes to thinking about it, I freeze. The DBT tricks don't work for me because I know I don't stop and think about what's wrong with my pattern of thought or to challenge it. I'm great at finding challenges to things when asked - but they're no use if I'm not going to believe them. Well, it's not so much that I don't believe them - I do, intellectually. Intellectually I fully understand the truth about the distorted thoughts, I fully understand what I need to do, I fully understand the things that need to change... but that helps me in absolutely no way. I feel that most of the feelings and reactions I get come from the subconscious. I don't stop and think about things, usually I just feel a certain way. There's no logic to it. No changing it. The only thing I can do is try to control it - try to keep myself safe.

One thing I haven't been able to control is my behaviour with the cat. I know she doesn't deserve it and I know there's no excuse. I've tried the water bottle thing, I've tried time-outs, I've tried ignoring - but it just doesn't work. She's got a temper of her own, sometimes I think she's borderline too, if that's at all possible. Just the way she tests me; the way she clings to me when she wants to cuddle, as if I was never coming back; her sometimes erratic, unexplainable behaviour; how she can be so loving, wanting affection and love one minute, and then turn against me and bite; the way she will do anything to get attention, whether negative or positive, as long as she gets the attention. She reminds me of myself. Often I just don't have the patience to deal with her, sometimes when she wants to get close, I feel like I'm choking and I need to get her off - but she's clinging to me, claws digging in my shoulder, she just wants to be held. It's like a boyfriend I had, whenever I was sick a bug or allergies or whatever, he would just want to hold me, comfort me... but I would flee or push him away, I couldn't take it, not at thos moments. But when I felt well and he wasn't holding me, I would feel so hurt, so angry and sad - but I wouldn't tell him that that was what I wanted. It's not like he neglected me or never held me or showed affection, he was great. I was the problem.

I don't know, I just don't understand why I can't get myself to do simple things, why simple things are harder than big things, why it is that the more I want/need to do something, the harder it becomes to do and the less likely I am to do it. I just freeze and procrastinate. Like right now for example - I know I have a really big day tomorrow and a big week ahead and I still have a few things to do to get ready, yet I'm sitting here, writing this, when I should have been done my things a while ago and be fast asleep by now, ready to attack the upcoming days. Now, I have to be up in 5 hours. I know my sleep is vital to my well-being and good mood. I don't get myself - why I do this to myself - why I don't take care of me. Because I'm the only one who pays the price. I don't know how I'll have the energy for this much longer, I'm drained, and it's no wonder why...