Back from the doctor's

Well, it's done, I just saw my new psychiatrist... and nothing went the way I had hoped

• The social worker was there during the meeting, which I didn't want.
• I didn't get anything to help me sleep.
• They reduced my follow-up, I'll only be seen by the social worker 1x/month but I can call her between appointments - which is not something I'm very likely to do.
• They will be contacting the people who "supervise" my apartment in regards to the cleaning. They will want to come visit. There is NO WAY I want to let anybody in here, but now I won't have a choice. They will be nagging at me to do something and if I don't, I'll probably loose the place. Logically it's a good thing, the point is to get me in 'action mode'. But I just want to be left alone right now. Isn't my right to ruin my life if that's what I want to do? Okay, stupid question...
• They want me to exercise more, which mean putting in effort and discipline.
  

I just want to stay home and have everybody leave me alone. I know that's not good for me though.

I had a couple of boxes fall on me hat work on Saturday. They must have hurt me more than I first thought - but not where they hit (back of my head & nape), in my lower back. When they fell, I probably strained it or twisted in some weird way. So now my back's killing me. I iced it a couple of times yesterday and it was doing a lot better this morning. But now with the stress of this afternoon's appointment, walking, and carrying groceries home, it's starting to hurt again. I'll be taking out the peas again very soon!

The kids yesterday were crazy - you would have thought they'd each just had a pitcher of Kool-Aid to themselves. I left drained, exhausted, frustrated, and discouraged. Carrying tables, chairs, and jumping around certainly didn't help my back either.

I've heard the "You're looking really good!" too many times in the past week. There's just not much pride in losing weight because you're not feeling well. Doesn't make me feel any better about myself. Lots of people are noticing, but I don't. Besides the clothes falling off and the numbers on the scale going down, I think I still look the same. Do they not see the bags under my eyes? The slowing of my movements? The decrease in frequency of my smiles? The hiding away, needing to escape the moment, periods? Do they not hear the lowered volume of my voice? The frequent sighs? The hesitation and stuttering when it comes to talking about how I'm doing?

Anyways, I know I'm not answering many of the other messages - I feel really selfish about it. It's just that I'm not in a place when I feel I can adequately encourage others. Can someone with dark sunglasses at nighttime safely help a blind man cross the street? I'm at a point where it seems like I'm drowning and those around me, in my non-virtual world, are trying to teach me how to swim... but it's not while I'm drowning that I'll learn that. What I need right now is a lifeline. I guess God's really the only one who can do that.