getting tired

By Nate Friday, May 15, 2009

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I'm new to this forum, but I need someone to talk to about my wife. I'm getting worn out. She's been getting treatment for depression for about nine years (pills and counseling). We've been married for five. Her depression comes and goes, but for the past four months or so she's been in a funk that I can't seem to get her out of. I ask her what's wrong. She just replies that it's nothing. She sits on the couch a lot watching tv. Not talking. Usually wandering on facebook. She says she loves me. That it's nothing that I've done. But she's always gloomy. I know she's not happy with her job, but we need her income. Though, she's never been happy with any job she's had. Things are always fine for a few months, then I get a phone call with her crying about how she hates her job and wants to quit. I need for her to do her job. We need her income. She also has no sex drive. It's just something that she wants to get over and done with. I feel like a shit trying to beg for sex. I tell her that she's pretty and she turns away. She has self image issues to the point that she picks at her face, which makes her have scabs and red marks. This is not the kind of marriage that I wanted. Sometimes I feel like yelling at her to get an emotion out of her, but I don't want to hurt her. I'm not happy with her any more. When I see her, I just want to go somewhere else. She makes me sad. I don't know how much more I can take. I want my wife to be outgoing, confident, and happy. Instead I have a self conscious, introvert, who is sad all the time. What can I do? I want my happy, silly wife back.

Comments (6) | Add comment

Merely Me, Health Guide

5/16/09 9:54am

Hi Nate

I am so sorry that you and your wife are going through this.

My first recommendation is to read an article by our Deborah Gray about what to do when your partner is depressed. You may find that article right here.

I do think it is such a tough situation to be in...to see your loved one so depressed. It can provoke feelings of sadness in yourself, frustration, and even anger. If you look at it this way...this depression is not her fault...it is just something she is going through...it is an illness like if she had diabetes. You have to think of it as...you two are trying to battle this illness. Perhaps that mind set will be of help in the long run.

When did things change? Was there any life circumstance which changed her mood so? Had she battled mood disorders in her life previously?

I am wondering if there is something medical going on...is she going through any hormonal changes? Has she been checked for a thyroid problem? I think it is good to rule out the medical stuff first.

Sexual matters can be difficult when you have a partner who just doesn't have the physical or emotional energy. Maybe opt for other ways of intimacy...offer her a back rub or to put on some soothing music and just hold her.

Wanted to tell you to take care of yourself during these times...don't neglect your mental or physical health. Do you have supports? People to talk to?

I know this is so hard. Please hang in there. Do write here to let us know how things are going.

Anonymous

5/16/09 11:00pm

From one tired husband to another, I feel your pain. All that you can do is just keep on loving your wife. As cheesy as it sounds, when my love runs out, I rely on God to give me a new supply. I am new to the forum too, and my wife just griped at me for not researching more to find out how to help her and not being there for her through this. I'm guilty as charged, because I have had no idea of what to do and she is in no place to give me any ideas.

So, here I am. I am making a effort like you to find some help, so that I can respond appropriately. She can hardly see anything that I do right through the fog of depression, but I can keep praying and trying to get through to her with God's help. I hope that that helps, even if just a little. I promised her in sickness or in health, and most people don't see depression as a "real" sickness, but it is. So, I'll hold to that promise and keep on approaching her for support until I get through.

IMPat

6/19/09 8:34am

Nate, I have major depression and was diagnosed over 14 years ago. I have tried everything......pills, counseling, etc. Nothing works. When your wife tells you nothing is the matter it is probably because she can't explain what is happening to her or doesn't want to. I didn't want to share with my husband at first because I didn't want him to think I was totally crazy. So, I bought a book on depression and gave it to him to read and told him this is what has a hold on me and I don't know how to get out. Afterward, he understood. We have been married 28 years. I thought he would leave me and I was terrified. Well, thank God he didn't leave but you need to understand that your wife is probably terrified you are going to leave too. So, if you could let her know that's not going to happen it will help. Now, for you. You have to do your thing to keep from going stir crazy. My husband goes fishing, plays cards with the guys, etc. Go, have fun, and don't feel guilty. I love it when he has fun. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be doing those things with him but that is just not going happen right now. I hope this helps. Hugs, Pat

Sherry

8/11/09 5:47am

Nate,

I think you are putting this all on yourself, & taking too much on. I agree that when you're depressed you have nothing to give. The unhappiness can sometimes be overwhelming. You stressed numerous times that you need her income, & it comes across like you would not be able to survive without it. I sure would not want that burden put upon me if I was depressed. Depression sometimes ebbs & flows & sometimes we just need to force ourselves to get off the couch, even though it seems impossible, but I think that needs to be her choice, not you hounding her. It sounds like her depression is bordering on severe, & I would suggest seeking help. Sometimes being on a long term Rx one can plateau on it, so she needs her meds checked periodically. I know it must be tiring for you when you are not undergoing depression, but it sounds like you are beginning to become angry. She does not have hardly any energy for anything, & just getting ready to go to work, let alone putting in a whole day, & also knowing that she is the main breadwinner is a lot of pressure put upon her. Maybe you need to reduce your budget so she can have time to deal with all this. I think she is just burning out & I'm not sure you are the best person to help her. I hope what you have shared on this forum has not been shared with her, as it could be devastating to her. Good luck & God Bless.

Nate

8/19/09 5:51pm

Thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. My income is our primary source. Her job helps, but only brings in about 1/3 of our total income. We're in a difficult position right now because of my job. I'm contracted to my current position on a year to year basis. I have to put in long hours and devote a lot of time to work so that I can use the experience as a stepping stone to a more permanent position. In the meantime, she has to make due with a job that is very much beneath her. She's not able to find a permanent position in her field because of my temporary position. No one would want to hire her knowing that she might have to leave within the year. I feel very guilty about having her do this. She hates her job, and I fear that I'm holding her back. She wants to finish grad school, but we can't afford it until I get something permanent. Right now, I'm helping her search for something better, and more in-line with her degree. It's difficult. We can't do with making less than what we are now, but she needs to do something that is right for her.

Judy

8/19/09 2:29pm

Hi, Nate. I have to say, I was a lot like your wife at one time and even now, years later, I still try to hide when I'm feeling depressed. She probably IS afraid you might leave her and probably thinks that's what she deserves. The fact that you're trying now to find some help is a really good thing. You may not get adequate appreciation for it right away, but down the road, it'll get you points. You might benefit from couples therapy, which my husband and I have been in for years, because it does help take down some barriers to communications. If nothing else, you could use some support yourself and maybe get some objective input on how best to handle this. I appreciate now so much how my husband stuck by me, trying to figure out what made things better or worse, and with therapy and medication, things are so much better now. Not perfect, but better than I would have expected. So hang in there, get support from wherever you can and let us know how it's going.

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