I'm new here, but suffering from depression, so I thought I'd take a chance and join the group. *fingers crossed*
I'm the middle-aged mother of 3 teenage boys, working as a medical laboratory technician in a nearby hospital. I'm currently trying to recover from a recent depressive episode sparked by a work-related situation. Weight loss has been a problem since September of 2007, and I've gone from a healthy 135 pounds to a gaunt 105. Normal people would be delighted to lose that much weight, but it's had adverse effects on my health so I'm trying to put the brakes on it. My GP has worked hard to rule out physical causes, so I'm left with a diagnosis of "stress" to explain the weight loss. It's accurate, of course, and directly related to my work situation. I love the work I do, and can't think of anything else I'd ever want to do for a living, but I could do without one or two of the people I work with, one supervisor in particular. That's a very long story, though.
I don't make much in terms of a paycheck, so I'm stuck with the local state-supported mental health services, which means a 15-minute visit with a psychiatrist, usually once every 3 months, but lately has meant once a month due to the consistant anxiety and weight loss. I cannot afford a therapist.
In the interest of being up-front with the facts, I'll tell you that I'm gay and currently living with my partner, who's disabled. I support the 5 of us as best I can on my income (my partner gets Social Security Disability and her husband's military pension, but even those two cannot support her alone). My oldest son just graduated from high school. He's 19, but has Asperger's Syndrome (high-functioning autism) and is unable to work. My middle son will graduate next year and wants to go to college, but I've already told him he'll have to rely on scholarships and student loans because I'm barely making ends meet as it is. My youngest son will graduate in 2010 and also wants to go to college, but he will also have to rely on scholarships and loans. I've thought of getting a second job, but can barely maintain the job I have thanks to depression and anxiety.
I guess that's about all for now. I do want to say that I can relate to the struggles of many here, and I feel for you - especially those of you suffering anxiety. It's a crippling thing, and I wish you success in dealing with it.
Asheral
I know the overwhelming feeling. I'm middle-aged mom of 3 girls, ages 10, 3 & 7 mos., the youngest from a different dad. Went through a not so wanted divorce, we were on a "break", got pregnant by an old friend I had dated off and on for years, then had to go through with the divorce. Moved to the city with my kids to try to make it work with the new to be dad. 200 mile commute to exchange kids EVERY weekend, their dad loves them so much. 8 months pregnant in October and the new dad is seeing someone else and finally says having kids is not him and that's it. I up and move my kids back down with their dad and new dad misses birth and decided in December it was a mistake to not work through it, ( which I believe is because the other girl wasn't what he thought she was, her money and house wasn't enough afterall). I had my daughter in November and almost lost her due to the stress and depression. Only gained 15 lbs. and lost it and more within 2 weeks of delivery. Now, had not been working due to being at home mom mostly (hairdresser when time permits) and having no more money to get by on, I ended up moving back with new dad, left my oldest daughter in school with her father and have my 3 year old every other week (SUCKS). New dad is still in contact with at least 5 women that I know of, but to what extent I am not sure. I don't trust him, nor believe him much. I am trying, but have now started having panic or anxiety attacks when we are going to be somewhere I know these women are. I am sad all the time, nothing is great. My health is not on track, my thyroid is out of wack, I snap all the time at my kids and can't stay asleep. Have no health insurance, can't aford it, so I try to regulate my thyroid meds. on my own. The Wellbutrin I just started is soooo expensive, I don't think I can continue taking it. Still not happy and just want to be my old self again. Feel trapped and dependent on him and I know I just need to pull it together. I feel guilty for leaving my kids with a sitter or daycare (never have and feel so bad about it). Just want to smile again, can't seem to find it anywhere. I'm sure its not that bad to some, but this dep/anx thing really is awful. So sorry that others feel this way too.....
That's quite a roller coaster you've been on. I'm lucky that I still have a job and insurance. I'm the only person in this household of 5 who can hold a full-time job, so it's up to me to support everyone. I've been on the other end of that, though, having no degree, no job, and no possibilities for one, depending on a man for everything. I was married for 20 years. We were married for 8 years before the kids came along, and though we had our fights, we stayed together and worked things out. Once we started having kids, he changed. After we split up, I went back to school, got my degree and got a job. I was terrified. I managed to hold it together long enough to become relatively comfortable with the environment, however, so now it's not quite as bad. I was never a game-player, but I had to learn how to become one to be able to work with people and hang onto my job. I detest headgames - my father was an alcoholic and a major headgame player - but to work with the people I have to work with now, I had to go back in time, so to speak, and try to imagine what my father would have done in a given situation in order to turn it to his advantage. That's been a successful strategy thus far, but I have to be on guard every moment I'm there and watch every word. The stress has taken it's toll.
I hope you can hang in there. I know that some pharmaceutical companies offer programs for low-income families, sometimes you can get meds for free, sometimes for a reduced price. The last few years I was married, I got Paxil for free, and it helped me hold things together enough to get out of a bad situation and on to a better life. If you're interested, you might look into some of those programs for your meds. There's usually some paperwork involved, and it can be complicated depending on the company, but it's worth it.
Good luck, and hang in there.
Thanks for posting back.. understatement on the rollercoaster.. and as for your job, I have noticed almost everytime I have been in an office or work environment with anywhere from 3 to 20 other women, there is always someone making me feel uncomfortable or trying to make it so it looks like I am not doing my job right. It sucked, that's why I decided, at 33, to get my cosmetology license so I could rent my own booth and and more or less work for myself. I almost always hated every other job and environment I had worked for before. One time I did billilng and collections at an ortho office, and the appt. setter and the other girl who met with patients regarding plans set out to ruin my job, make me quit and quit talking to me and made things very uncomfortable.. they also lied about things regarding my work and I had to defend myself and show paper trails to my boss. It was awful. I needed the work, and stuck it out. The appt. setter ended up leaving saying I made it hard for her.. I don't know exactly your situation, but people are always out to get the upper hand and do whatever it takes sometimes to get it. It's awful. Hang in there though and remember you always get to go home at the end of the day. Do you know where to look for those programs you are talking about? Do I ask the doctor or talk to like th medi-cal dept.? Take care and just know you are better than those at work.. they'll get there's someday.. What goes around comes around.. I speak from experience on that one..
The female supervisor in question at my workplace is gay, also, and I was told that she had feelings for me and wanted me gone so she wouldn't have to face me every day. In a sense, I can understand why she wanted me gone, but she had no right to try to get me fired. I'm fortunate that I know how to document things very well, so she was trapped. She had no choice but to let up on me. I also threatened legal action because some of what she and the manager did to me was illegal, and I knew it as well as they did. I'm sorry if she's in an emotional bind, but punishing me for her emotional reactions was wrong. I was sexually abused from as early as I can remember until I was 14, and I was also abused the last few years of my marriage. I'll be damned if I'm going to take any more abuse off of anyone. I've had it, and I'm going to fight back when someone tries to hurt me. I'm too old (47) and too tired to put up with that kind of crap.
About the meds, here are some links I found. They may be a good place to start:
http://www.astrazeneca-us.com/help-affording-your-medicines/
http://www.rxassist.org/
http://www.needymeds.com/
http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?section=about_medications&Template=/ContentManagement/contentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=19169
http://www.gsk.com/media/pressreleases/2005/2005_04_08_GSK458.htm
https://www.pparx.org/Intro.php
http://www.mhsanctuary.com/resources/freemed.htm
I hope these can help you. I got vouchers for free Paxil from my psychiatrist (the state-supported local mental health clinic), but you may have to strike out on your own to get what you need and deserve if your physician cannot (or will not) help you get your meds.
Just don't give up. You may not be successful in every fight, but never stop fighting.
And one more thing: You mentioned that you feel guilty for snapping at your kids. You're not alone. I've done it, too, and I've felt like the worst mother on earth for it. But my mother did the same thing, as did her mother. We all do it at some point, especially when things get tough for us. I simply apologized to my kids and told them Mommy is upset and sometimes says things she doesn't mean when she's like that, so please don't take Mommy seriously when she's upset or very tired. It's the tiredness talking, not Mommy, because Mommy loves you more than anything in the world. My boys are teenagers now, and they understand that I am mentally ill and they're very kind and tolerant toward me. I think that explaining that I loved them no matter what, and it was the "tiredness" and "upset" talking when those snappy words came out helped them understand that Mommy was human, too, and had bad moods just like they did, and said things she didn't mean, just like they did. Give yourself a break, give your kids a hug. You're human, you're in pain, and you're doing the best you can.
Hang in there.