Saturday, September 11, 2010
We use the term depression to mean a great many things. People might say they feel depressed because their jeans no longer fit. They may feel depressed because a favorite TV series has just finished. The use of the term in these situations is pretty tongue in cheek, but even within the context of men...
Thank you for another great post. When I was really, really depressed as a teenager, I had no idea what was wrong. Except that everything was wrong. Nothing was right. Especially me. When my PCP diagnosed depression in about 1974, he didn't bother to give me any usable info. Just put me on Tofranil and shoo'ed me out of his office. Many doctors, even psychiatrists, still do that. Diagnose, treat, release. I wish there had been a site like this or a place to get info back when I was 16. Of course, there was the library. But the only info was in reference books that couldn't be checked out. And, really, it was treated like a "dirty secret" by those who knew. A taboo subject. Never mentioned. Being diagnosed without having any idea of what that diagnosis means or what the prognosis or treatment options were seems really weird now. But the same thing happened when I was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 1995. Some things haven't changed all that much.
Also, for me depression can alter my perceptions & the way I think so I make bad decisions (like thinking people want me to kill myself & then act on those thoughts), or I feel so hopeless & can't see any "light at the end of the tunnel", the lack of energy & motivation to do what I think I "should" be doing then makes me feel even worse about myself...
People give me "advice" about how to feel better (exercise, follow this diet or that spiritual leader or go to that church or read that book or take these vitamins or "think of the glass as half full or consider those who are worse off than you are"...). It is endless & I just can't do it all & then they get angry at me like I'm not trying hard enough (& also I get the, "You have nothing to be depressed about" comment though I don't reveal that my mother committed suicide after many attempts when I was 15 & was in & out of mental insitutions & was dxed w/schizoaffective & I have been dxed w/bipolar 1).
For me depression really alters my thinking in really dangerous ways so therapy & medication were very useful to get me into thinking more rationally. I also perceive everyone is thinking about me in a negative way (even the docs who are supposed to be helping me; like if I'm not responding well to a medication I feel like I have "failed"--not the medication--so I won't call the doc & tell her I'm feeling suicidal as I don't deserve to bother her as I am a failure...)
It is really convoluted the way depression can get me to thinking.
But my doc (actually a psychiatric nurse practictioner) has made me promise to call her w/any sign of suicidal thinking as I did have a suicide attempt 4 years ago. When depression hits me it tends to come fast & hard.
For me having bipolar is like a "condition" that needs to be monitored (similar to diabetes or high blood pressure) & if symptoms appear my provider needs to be notified. And I need to remember to not blame myself if those symptoms do appear as I can be doing everything "right" (meds compliant; doing therapy & DBT) yet still something goes out of whack & depression will start or hypo mania.
Depression can be brutal, but it can be overcome & you can survive it over & over & over again...