Hi, I hope everyone is doing good :). I'm not diagnosed with anything but I know i'm depressed and may have other mental problems. My mother thought I had ADD as a child but never got it checked out and now as an adult my mother, sister-in-law and husband think I have it and I think I might after reading symptoms on it plus I have symptoms of general and social anxiety. Anyway to tell my story, when I was 16 I tried to commit suicide which was a horrible experience for me, hospitalized with liquid charcoal being forced down me, then a day and night in the psychiatric hospital. Don't know why I tried to commit, just didn't want to do school work which I was in home schooling. Tried to commit again when I was 19, that story is too stupid to tell though. I got married at 19, had 2 kids and divorced him 4 yrs later cause he was mean to the kids, couldn't hold a job and we had only had our own place for 2 months out of the 4 years. The kids were 1 and 2 years old when we got divorced, he had supervised visitation at my parents house and only showed up for the first visitation and the kids never heard from him again. A month before the divorce I had met my current husband who told me lie after lie from the moment we met which I didn't know at the time. He told me his grandparents raised him in Texas on a ranch that they left to him when they died and when I mentioned that we should move there he told me that he couldn't pay the back taxes on it so he let it go, found out that was all lie. My first night staying with him at his house, which was the night he proposed to me (he was married but seperated), we layed on the bed talking all night, he cried real tears telling me he missed his daughter who lives overseas and how she needed money once and he had to due without electric because he sent that money to take care of her, I had found a picture of a little girl and asked who she was and he said that was his daughter he was telling me about... well later on we had went to his step-sisters house and I saw a big picture of that little girl on her wall so I asked her who she was, she said that was her daughter, so I told her what I was told and she laughed and said he owes her for back child support then. He also told me he had been in prison for murder and had a pretend conversation on the phone with an inmate. He also told me he can't have kids (after he was caught in his lie about having a daughter) and I ended up pregnant even though we used protection which I wonder if he poked holes in them. I told him that if we weren't married before the baby was born that she would have my maiden name, he went and got his divorce and we got married 1 month before she was born (we had been together for 2 years before he got his divorce), he had excuses not to get his divorce, he didn't know where she was at, she refused to sign the papers, etc and then tells me years later that the reason it took him so long to get his divorce was because he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry me and he came home one day and suggested a name for our daughter, he said how about elaine after your middle name, I was very upset because we had been together for 2 years and he didn't know my middle names (I have 2) but can tell me his ex-girlfriends' middle names, which he told me he can remember theirs because they only have 1 and I have too many for him to remember. He makes jokes about me and others to make other people laugh. I'm not into anal sex but he keeps trying anyway and even told me once that if I loved him I would just deal with the pain for him and that I would get used to it and I see it the other way around that if he loves me he wouldn't put me through it, he is soo obsessed with it that I wonder if he's bi. Before we moved here we were having problems, I was talking to a guy in an online game that I was playing, his father was in the hospital and he was who was taking me to take the trash to the landfill, the trash got soo piled up in the kitchen that gnats were so bad that the kids were going outside to eat and I can't drive (was never taught and very afraid to learn, I got my permit years ago and his father tried to teach me but I almost got in an accident and that was the last time I got behind a wheel) and one day he called on his way home from seeing his dad in the hospital and I told him if he'd have came home earlier he could have got rid of the trash, at the time I didn't know he got upset with me for saying that, we had moved to here a couple weeks after I told him that and I got so frustrated with him after a week of him ignoring me, the whole first week after moving in this house that finally I blew up at him and he let me know he's been cheating with a girl he's been in love with since he was a teen and we had went outside to talk and he made me shut up and listen to him, well he put all the blame on me about the reason for our marriage not working out and threw in my face about what I told him about the trash instead of asking if he was ok, that his girlfriend cares more about him than I do cause she called him daily asking him if he was ok since his father was in the hospital, I had asked daily how his father was doing but when I brought up the trash I was concerned about the kids living in that crap and worried about them getting taken away if someone was to see it and call cps. That was a year ago and I just keep getting more and more depressed since we moved here. I hate this house, his mother has been making payments on it for years, now we give her the money to pay the bank.... when we first moved in there wasn't a bathroom wall, which is in the hallway and it was all just open, I put up a sheet to seperate the hallway and bathroom so people can have privacy, it was like that for 8 months before he finally put a wall up, which now has been up for 6 months and he never finished it, i'm worried about someone falling through the kitchen floor, there's a part in between the sink and fridge that sinks down when stepped on and you can see down to the ground in a corner of it, he says it won't fall through. There's drywall put up in front of the bathtub that covers the pipes that I wanted him to redo because from the bottom of it and part of the way up it's molded, he cut out a square and checked to see if the pipes were leaking and just put the piece back in and it falls out all the time, this place is very hard to keep clean, pieces of the linoleum is coming up which makes it hard to sweep and mop plus no closets makes it hard to put things away, there's only 1 closet which is in the girls room that my mother also shares with them and I want to throw everything away cause there's no room for it here, oh and when we split up a yr ago he said it will be our daughter's choice (we had split up years ago and he took her with him) of who she wants to live with and he said we'll talk to her together but while me, my mother and 2 kids were packing up getting ready to leave he informed me that he talked to our daughter and she chose to stay with him, well I couldn't leave without her so I chose to stay here and moved from our room to the empty room, then 3 days later he went in there and talked to me and said that he'll stop having anything to do with that girlfriend of his if i'll get back with him, so I did and a couple weeks later I found out through facebook who she was, which was a name he had mentioned to me like a week after we 'started over on our marriage' that he got a text from and told me it was from a guy he used to work with before we moved, after figuring out he was still talking to her I texted him and asked him if he was and that if he lied to me I would know, he called about an hr later and told me he was and that he had been ignoring her txt msgs for a week now, I asked him why he was still talking to her and he said he didn't know and I told him that if he wants her then go get her and he swore he wanted to be with me so I asked him if he can start being honest with me and he said yes... he still lies all the time yet complains I only changed for a little while, I had started taking a shower with him every night and since that stopped he says I went back to my old ways, but I cook every night and clean every day where before I didn't. He makes me feel guilty if I miss any days, starts complaining about the house and cleans it himself, he makes remarks to make me feel like i'm stupid, just last week my oldest daughter had a math problem, if a can of soup costs $2 and you have $10 how many cans can you buy? well, he asked me and then told my daughter "see mommy can even do it and she's no good with math." I never know how much money we have and I had quit asking a couple years ago cause the answer i'd get was 'not much', last week he spent 1k on bills and I don't know how he had that much since his checks are 600 something every week (salary gross income is 900, 100 comes out of his check every week cause he borrowed 3k from his boss to buy his motorcycle), we get shutoff notices on bills before he'll pay them and blames me and my mother if the electric bill is high. He told me years ago that he works for the money so it makes it his not ours and ever since then I call it his money not ours, I would ask him how much money he has instead of we have. He's pounded it in my head that he didn't give free rides to nobody and if I don't clean when I don't feel good (which the c-section I had when our daughter was born really messed me up, I have very painful monthlys) he says he goes to work when he's sick or in pain or don't feel good. He tells me any woman would love to be in my shoes because i've got it made, that i'm spoiled and one time I told him I was stressed out and he got mad and said I have nothing to be stressed out about and he has plenty to be stressed. Any of my opinions he thinks are stupid and thinks I have a messed up way of viewing life and thinks since i'm not a sex freak like him that I was raised messed up. Over the summer my daughters spent time with my mother-in-law, well our daughter went camping with her, a couple weeks after she got back she told me that her grandma wants to buy for only her and not the other 2 kids because she's blood to her and the other 2 aren't and also my other daughter told me that my hubby's sister told her she's not allowed to stay the night over there anymore, I was quite upset and when my hubby got home the next morning (he was working nights, which wasn't his normal shift) I told him about it and told him that Becky (his step-daughter) said she doesn't want anything from his mother anymore and he told me she should take all she can get, that upset me and I told him well he has a different way of life than what I do and that I don't blame her and that Ryan ( his step-son) and I don't want anything else from her either and that includes the stove (I don't have a stove and she gave me her old stove back in may that my hubby never brought home because he has to run another outlet), he said he'll talk to his mother after he's back on days, well I heard more that my mother in law had said, my brother's girlfriend told me that she had ran into her at walmart and she had told her that she's buying for Sarah (her blood granddaughter) for school and that the other 2 kids' real daddy can buy for them, she's been in my kids lives since they were 1 and 2 years old, they didn't even know about their real father until 3 years ago and they haven't seen a penny from their father... well 2 weeks of all this eating at me, to make it worse I tried to talk to my hubby about this stuff only to get yelled at that I started keeping it to myself until I felt I had to do something so I messeged her on facebook and pretty much blew up at her, I had also messeged his sister. The next day my hubby and I were talking, we were talking about childhood and how our childhood effects our lives, he told me that childhood does not make us who we are today that as an adult we chose how to think and act, I was talking about my anxiety and he thinks I can control it, I believe it's anxiety cause with confrontation I started shaking, I get butterflies in my stomache, my heart pounds, everything feels unreal and blurred, but anyway he basically told me I need to learn to ignore what people say, ignore my feelings and that I can control my anxiety if that's what it is, then rolled over on the couch to take a nap so I decided to check to see if his sister replied to my msg and she told me that her mother has been nothing but good to my kids and I constantly throw favortism in her mothers face ( I have never told her she shows favortism so how do I throw favortism in her face is beyond me) and that she didn't expect to go places with her steps when their family picked them up, that i'm causing drama, etc well I couldn't handle it anymore, I wrote on a piece of paper that i'm soo tired of living and handed it to my mother on my way to my bedroom and she went in there to talk to me, which she made it worse telling me the only reason why she's still living is because of me and my kids (she has copd and chf and she lives here with me for me to take care of her), so I left the room, doing dishes in tears and hubby gets up and I told him i'm done, he asked with what and I said everything and showed him his sisters reply and came back in the kitchen asking what I was done with and I wouldn't talk so my mom talked to him and I turned around and told him he can have sarah and i'll take the other 2 and leave and he said ok if that's what you want, my mom told him I need to see a councelor and she was trying to get me to open my mouth to take one of her antidepressants but I refused, I won't take prescription unless it's my own and my hubby told me I can go to a councelor but I won't because it's his money and he's told me that they are a waste of money and they don't help. Suicide is on my mind daily since that day but I won't commit, I just want to die in my sleep or something but not by suicide. He did finally talk to his mother, they turned it all around on my brother's girlfriend, they said she told them that we force becky to go over there so she'll buy stuff for her, which we dont. His mother never said if she did or didn't say the things I were told and I feel I can't trust anyone anymore cause all people do is lie and play head games with me. I haven't had friends in 11 years cause when I thought I had made a friend she found out I was with my hubby which was a childhood friend and she told me if she knew I was with him she'd of started coming over sooner and started asking for rides from him and even came at midnight wanting a ride and he jumped out of bed to take her and before he left he was in the mood for sex but when he got back he wasn't anymore. My life just seems so screwed up and I don't know how much more I can take.