Tuesday, February 02, 2010
I am having problems dealing with my father's death, supporting my mom's grief and my ill health. It seems so overwhelming! I can't get past it, can't let it go. elp me please!
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Hi Annie
I am so sorry you are going through this. You have a lot on your plate right now. When did your father die? How is your mother handling things? Tell us what is going on with your health.
It just happens that I just did an interview with author Kay Jamison who has written a book about grief...it is about the experience of losing her husband. It may bring you some solace in that...she says that time does help with grief.
I know this must be so overwhelming. Do you have any supports? Friends? Family? Do you have a therapist?
I am hoping that telling more of your story will help in the healing process and it will also allow us to provide you with better support and information.
Again...I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you came here to reach out. Please keep sharing with us. We are here to listen.
Thanks for the response. It helps to know that someone else is listening. Sometimes I feel so alone in my troubles.
My dad has been gone for 9 months now, but it still feels like it was just yesterday. I wasn't ready to let him go, not now! We had grown apart for a number of years because of some stupid misunderstandings, and we were just getting to know each other again. I felt like god was punishing for my miserable foolishness.
My mom is up in age and has never had to worry about finances or money. Dad took care of everything. For the last year he lived, the family finances were pretty much handled awkardly. Dad was slowly developing demensia and therefore was not thinking straight. When he passed it was a nightmare figuring it all out. We are still dealing with odds and ends. Mom gets confused about everything. Both my husband and myself try to help her all we can, but it gets real tough to handle.
I have type 2 diabetes, hypertension, rhematoid arthritis, fibro myalsia, heart disease, and charcot foot. I have been hospitalized for many months and undergone many proceedures and tests. I take a variety of medications and go to endless doctor appointments since I left the hospital. I go every morning for oxygen therapy which is called Hyperbarics for my charcot foot.
I'm overwhelmed by all of it. I'm middleage but I feel like I have lived forever. Although I have not thought of suicide, I have wondered if it would have been better if it would have been me instead of dad. I have a couple of friends and my husband and mom but, nobody seems to really listen to me anymore. They all have their own lives to deal with. I spend alot of time alone, feeling hopeless, missing dad and crying till I fall asleep. Although at night when I need to rest I can't. Life in general seems so meaningless.
Again, thanks for listening and I hope to get some advice or even an ear to bend.
Hello Annie, my name is rosemarie, I go by the name of Rose. I suffer Depression, anxiety, panic phobias, i also have Asthma, high BP, high Cholestrol, had a stroke and i suffer RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS AND OSTEO ARTH. my mobility is becoming bad, im single, live alone and this worries me. i have the Rheum.Arth in the feet and hands, wrists and lately in the neck and the arms. The pain is awful. My sister whom i dont know v well [wasnt brought up with parents] has it too with depression and is on methotrexate as u prob know its a chemo. i want you to know and dont feel theres something wrong with you. Depression goes with R.A. Ive had that from the Docs mouth. Its agood site here, We will be here for you. Reach out in particular about the depression part. you mustnt give up , im nearly 59 and Im not giving up im just over a bad bout of the Blacks [A very bad depression] were hear to help each other. i send you healing and love from Ireland. Take care of yourelf x
Hi Rosemarie, thank you for the words of comfort. I am tied to an electric wheelchair because of my ulcerated feet due to diabetes. Since my arthritis affects the joints in my armsm I can't manage a regular one. Sometimes it is a struggle just to get out of bed. My name is Roxanne, but I prefer Annie. I just had 2 skin grafts put on both my feet so I am hoping it helps. At almost 53 years old I have had kidney failure and also 2 heart blocks which I think is another name for a small stroke.My sadness is crushing and severe. When I was younger and in good health I was a very busy person, I was working all the time. Now I sit here and get swallowed up by my depression. Now I find even doing things with my hands more difficult because my fingers lock up from the arthritis.
I hope you are okay living alone. I have no children so my husband retired early to take care of me. I feel for the pain you deal with and believe me I understand the loss of mobility. refering to depression as being black is so spot on. Just knowing and hearing from another is what I need right now. Thanks for the words of encouragment.
peace and love from California, USA...
dear Annie, I never realised that Diabetes caused so much 'trouble' many people still think of Diabetes as a small complaint, Ithink, much like Rheumatoid Arhritis, it doesnt quite kill you [well it eventually does when it gets into lungs and heart and eyes but it takes your life ! People here Cancer and they are concerned for you, Arthritis or Diabetes and its not a big deal.. not over here anyway where we are very educated on health care. All the adverts about being overweight etc., My friend works in a hospital for chronic/elderly. there are many people in 40s and 50s stuck in the hospital with the same as you, in wheelchairs. He says it should be highlighted more ! Are you on the Diabetes site ? Im borderline Type 2. ~~ Im so sorry to hear of all the complications , heart,arthritis, and being in so much pain and the loss of mobiility. I can type still as the laptop is so flat, i cant put on Denim Jeans [the button] or cut veg, getting out of a car, im like an old lady. Annie, its very normal to be depressed. youre grieving the loss of your health, you mobility, you independence.~ Not having a partner and i say who'd want me? even though Im considered v attractive. Im in pain much of the time and am fast losing the use of hands, feet are really bad and walking is agony. Grief Annie, have you grieved for the loss of your mobility? The only thing you can do is just this minute, whilst very depressed ~ Write your feelings or speak your feelings into a tape. typing them into a journal, just for you, is good. Secondly, eat as well as you can. Get a handle on Depression. By that i mean learn all you can about it. Try and keep yourself looking as well as you can for YOU and our HUSBAND. This isnt trite, its important, put on some scent, youre still a woman and a wife. Watch some quality TV. write down all the things you can still do... Im not saying this is acure, its what a therapist said to me regarding the Rheumatoid arthritis. Ive lost friends annie coz i could no longer go out and about. People can be cruel ~ you learn who your friends are quickly. im happy you have a good partner, God bless him. write anytime Annie
our timezones are v different. I dream of living in California, the weather, etc.,
Take care of yourself today, Live TODAY as best you can, xx
Hello Rose! Writing to you has lifted my spirits. At last someone else knows what is happening, and for that I am grateful Rose. I have taken diabetes education classes, I learned so much. I do try to keep my blood sugars under control. For the past few months I managed to lose alot of weight which really helped in more ways than ever. Part of the reason I was in the hospital was because I had 3 different infections. Now at home I have a intervenous IV that goes into a pickline in my arm. I must take this antibiotic drip twice a day. The infection is down to one, but the worrisome part about it is that the medicine does not agree with my body, so as a result I suffer frequent bouts of nausa and vomiting. But the doctor says I must take this antibiotic. It is called Taggasil and it packs a punch. This past friday the doctor placed Derma Grafts on both my feet trying to cover and speed the healing of my ulcers.
You are right about my grief and depression. I miss gardening, going for a walk in the park, driving the car,going shopping, going out to eat and playing minature golf with my hubby. I also grieve the loss of my dad so much. My grief and depression feels like a big heavy blanket that I can't crawl out of. I also have lost touch with friends, I have one best friend who I talk to sometimes. I have known her for over 20 years but she has alot on her mind also. She is a cancer surviver and has her good and bad days. She works at a hospital as a staffing manager, and because of the bad economy they are downsizing all departments. Many people will be lais off.
I did take your advice and took time to "fix" myself a bit. Some makeup and a little cologne. Not only did it feel nice and nornal, I think my hubby appreciated it too. Thank you for letting me talk to you, I hope to hear from you soon. Take good care of you xx...
Hi Annie, Sorry to hear the Antibiotics are making u feel so ill. I had to take very strong ones some years ago in hospital, they wiped me out, wanted to die ! I was so so sick. They did the job though. Your Body and Spirit have taken a bad bashing and now youve got to treat yourself like Golddust ! the reason I mentioned the perfume and make up etc was, youre in a relationship. I dont have one at the moment but Im still a woman. I find whats good for Soul is good for Body. I always put on some foundation [we dont have any sun here so skin needs a lift. Some bronzer for blusher and mascara and some nice pinky-brown lipstick. Its one of those that makes your lips look abit plumper. I just feel BETTER when I do this. The scent is for me. But, men are so visual and its good to keep the Romance and attraction alive, esp when hes being there. I find it so so hard now to wash my hair, unfortunately its got thin. I still manage to wash it and blow dry it myself every 2nd day.For my Depression, its good. I put some blonde color in Nice n Easy Extra light blonde and that covers the grey/White. I cut my fringe myself. I feel its so important to keep up the spirits.Mind has such an effect on our body. Annie are you on an antidepressant? I just find it helps so much and as well has an anti-inflamatory effect over the whole body. Because it helps Dopamine, it helps pain. I still have Pots of Flowers, containers, you should somehow try to maybe have a number of these where you can pick from a cataglogue or go to a centre with you partner and pick bulbs or seeds. Its good for the soul. Youre lucky to have a man who loves you. Ive been hurt alot and am sort of afraid to venture out again. Its so hard out there on that scene. Who'd want me with the R.A. thats what i say. But there are good men. I just dont know where they hang out lol. Its freezing here and I wont be going out today as have to wait in for delivery. I went out yesterday. My feet are so bad. People stare at me with a stick because I look younger than 59. Im so stiff and yet my head is young. Delighted to hear from you Annie, today watch something on tv thats enlightening and makes you feel uplifted. I dont believe in sitting in front of the TV all day. However, sometimes Oprah [yes,we get your stations over here] or Dr. Oz have good things on about people with disabilities or things that make us feel better. Thats our Job now, to try and keep ourselves as well as possible, Love from a very bitterly cold Ireland.
I just read that you also lost someone that you loved deeply. I cried while I read this because it was reminded me of getting the cold shoulder. It really hurt when my uncle(my dads older brother) couldn't have bothered to come to the funeral. All the time my dad was sick he couldn't spare the time to call him or stop by. His children live close by so even though he lives in Arizona he would come here quite regulaly to visit his kids and grandkids. Of all the friends and buddies my dad had, none called or came by until the funeral, I WANTED TO SAY IT'S TOO FLIPPIN LATE NOW! What's the point now? Now nobody cares that my mom is lonely and would like these people to acknowledge her existance. I try to help and be with her all I can but I'm only one person with my own problems. And, of course, who wants to come around the cripple? I am not invited nor am I told of any family gatherings or some baby or wedding shower. I guess I'm the leper, don't go around her it might be catching. I might be crippled in body and mind but I'm still a human being with feelings and thoughts and not some weirdo. All they see is my wheelchair, my leg brace and special shoes, so all of a sudden I'm to be ignored because this is not "normal". I have been sick all day, so I guess I digress. Take good care of you Rose, I need your input. Love...
Hi Annie, I'm not trying to make you feel better or use cliches, but your Dads brother was the loser. He obviously couldnt /wouldnt face it. He's the Loser, he's the weak one. not your Dad who endured it and your poor mom and yourself and partner. He certainly isnt teaching his kids much in the way of how to act/re act when a loved one or family becomes very ill. YEs, very bad example to his kids indeed. It's amazing the amount of people who cant face Alzeimers, Cancer etc because they think more of the embarrassment theyre going to feel, then seeing the person. they stay away, like you say Annie is it contagious ? Ive had the exact same thing. Was in Psychiatric with awful anxiety wasnt 'mad' if Iwas I wouldnt have cared. Not one of them came to visit. Why? Because its not a nice place to come visit. Yet all these relations were out at charity bashes and Balls and being seen to be good human being. Annie, I was NEVER asked ONCE in all my years suffering 'Are you ok?' 'It must be dreadful, how do you manage'? Never, it was the Elephant in the Kitchen that nobody wants to talk about,just like your poor Dad and Mom. Friends have gone slowly but surely, I used to be great for going out, now this lady has problems walking a long distance, swollen legs, cant do up boots or proper shoes. Im not asked to their houses. Im a 'Leper' like you say. 'Odd' This may sound shallow Annie, but thats why I say to you, look after YOU and your partner, I put on make up each day and I have my hair cut in a bob. I put color in it too as its gone grey, its so grey now I went a light blonde and it has a honey tint Nice n Easy Extra Light Blonde and then a few days later I put in Nice n Easy Light honey Blonde as a toner for 5 mins. I get a very light golden blonde and it costs me 12$ whereas the hairdresser would cost 150$ approx in your money, I under stand your in the wheelchair but look after your looks. I think youve got to really begin to say 'Those that matter dont mind, and those that mind , dont matter. So much of my energy has gone on hurt, anger, at my relations and friends but particularly like you, blood relations ..It hurts Annie but youve got to let them go. they have shown their true colours and theyre not capable of being there. It sucks. ITs awful. they pass my door but I live in a poor persons house and Ive come down in the world thru my illness. Its clean and happy looking with flowers, they never call in as they pass by daily. At christmas we play happy family and exchange gifts and i go out for a meal with them. i dread it. i get depressed. They just dont think, cant 'go the mile' Annie my shrink told me [im saying this for you, to help you] that unless I let go of my relations, the anger, the hurt, the sadness, the feeling of having been 'the loser' that i will never be fully mentally or physically well. Id o believe all this effects us physically and mentally. Dont let them do that to you. Your Dads in a place where his spirit knows better. Hes beyond hurt now. these people actually need prayer, theyre spiritually bereft and emotionally empoverished. Youre rich in love and have an abundance of caring in your spirit. Rejoice for that alone !! If you were like the others, you'd put your mother in a home and forget her. Thank God youve a heart, a soul, are kind and good and decent and have a similar partner. Miracles happen, ask for one regarding your health. Please DONT waste energy neededfor your mental/physical health on that crew !! take care Rosemarie
I do think that my relatives don't belong in my life. I asked mom today if anybody had called her or come by to check on her and see what's up. Well you guessed it, not one could spare the time I suppose. My dad was a better person than that, I'm just glad he is not here to see it. I feel bad to say this but I hate all of them and never want to see them again! I will try harder to be there for mom. I invited her over Saturday so I could fix dinner for her and give her some company. I would NEVER put her in a home because I had to stay in one for 2 weeks. It was for observation and to make sure I took my meds correctly. I was saddened by all the older people that thier families had ditched them into because they could not be bothered. I understand some had major health problems, but nobody ever came to visit them. It was a very sad place. I would cry every night because I couldn't handle the sadness of it all. Tomorrow I must go to the hospital to the wound care center to have the doctor clean my foot ulcers and place more Derma Grafts on my feet. I think it's working but it looks like I will always have a large divit in my heel instead of being smooth. At least I won't have to have my feet amputated. The doctor told me it came awful close to that outcome. I live in a double-wide mobil home in a very nice park. I think that was another nail in my coffin because I didn't have a big 'NORMAL" house. But it's nice and neat, I have 2 gardners who take real good care of the property. Since I have spent so much time in the hospital, I haven't had alot of time or energy to decorate the inside. My mom says she would help me with this. I also color my hair to hide the greys, it's like a extra light ash blonde by Loreal-les blondessimes. Although I need another haircut. I was going to go short like a pixie cut so I could take care of it better. Although you may not mean to, your thoughts do give me better things to think about and it makes mr feel better. Talk to you later, very tired. Take care of U. Love Roxanne
M'orning [its 9.25] as I write you this and cold. Delighted to hear from you. Glad to hear you have a gardener or 2 to take care of outside. They're very expensive here and only for the very rich. Cant do it myself anymore. ~ What you said about homes is so true. When I was in that awful hospital years ago, there were some elderly people not really psyciatric at all just dumped, it would break your heart ! they never had a visitor. no doubt they got them to sign over their houses to them legally and then put them into 'care' . They received no stimulation 'cept for a blaring T.V. and being strapped into chairs, no hugs, no social interaction, inaproppriate food for their age and false teeth etc., ~ I know what its like to live in a poorer type house and Its v v small. There are 3 more beside me. So its for 'lower class' people. The neighbours in the large houses beside ours are friendly as they are opposite [its a main road] but keep a distance too. Ive learnt what its like to live on the 'wrong side of the tracks'. Funny thing is many of the people in the very large houses, although rich, are tacky and come from very rough backgrounds. Dont want to sound a snob.Im not. But my family are exactly the same. i know if ihad a beautiful home in the right address or apt, they would come to visit. I dont think either of us are going to heal emotionally until we lose our relations. They are toxic to us and only hurt us. this isnt good for the soul, body or mind. They wont change so Iguess we have to. Glad you put some colour in your hair. Thats a nice color, I know it. I need the warm in the blonde as my skintone can look washed out in our climate. If I lived in California, it would be Ash blonde for sure. Your place sounds nice. I looked at some of your real estate and those mobiles can be lovely, comfy and you dont have a huge mortgage to worry about. nowadays thats a blessing in the Recession. Dont worry what others think, concentrate on your Mother, your partner, those you love, yourself and getting well. My home email address is warriorrose4@gmail.com incase you ever want to email me privately, no probs if you dont, Im putting it out there. I know our times are different. Have you any sun at present? I love your climate. Ive dreamt of living in California, there's a little place that I visit on the internet, forgot the name ! its got all these Holly Hobbit type houses and its a real place where people live. Santa Barbara is supposed to be lovely too - Oh I would so love the sun. Take care Rosemarie
ps the greatest 'kick' you can give those horrible relatives and people who dont care is to be Dignified and HAPPY now no money can buy that. xx