So it's Tuesday, March 30, 2010. I've been sick for over a month with a cough that I thought was a cold. I'm now wondering if it's allergies and a return of athsma, which I haven't dealt with in 3 or 4 years. I have gained an amazing amount of weight.
I came back to the USA from Costa Rica in Janurary after learning that my father died - I found out a week after he passed, when I saw a posting on FaceBook.
My family had an emergency telephone number to reach me in Costa Rica.
After the service at Arlington Cemetary for my father, I was encouraged to leave my brother's home. I was not encouraged to stay in contact with the family. One of my sisters never said one word, not even a hello in reply to my own hello to her. Another sister pulled her hand back as if to hit me, the first time I saw her (it had been 20 years since I had seen her). My mother spent hours on the telephone with a woman she calls her daughter, I don't know this woman or her children, which my mother calls grandchildren and has made quilts for. Another sister (there are 6 of us) spent quite a bit of energy apologizing to me about some letter she wrote years ago, I don't know what she's talking about, she also walks around gingerly like a scared puppy feeling guilty about her past.
I spent a couple weeks with an old girlfriend, who's husband, now a minister, watched me to see if he could understand the reasons why my family would treat me or talk about me the way that they do. After a few days, he talked with me only to say that he has never experienced what he has heard my family say about me and that our family confuses him. My girlfriend just doesn't care what my family says, she was always glad to bump into my dad at COSTCO and share lunch or something, he was always smiling and cracking jokes with her. My Mom, she never understood and didn't spend energy on trying to. I moved on to visit my ex live in boyfriend/best friend (it's been a complicated 19 years) in NYC. I arrived late at night, to him being VERY sick, angry at his current girlfriend and unprepared for my pre-arranged visit. He wouldn't let me call an ambulance to take him to the hospital. The next day after a short talk, I decided to visit my nephew in Maine and revisit this situation after his medical condition improved. I left in a snow storm, rode the 8 or 9 hours on the bus and arrived to find that the ex was in the hospital. I decided not to go back to NYC, though I really wanted to, thinking it would be more loving and responsible not to add to my ex's stress coming to help and not having much money. He texted me the next day, that he cried when I left and that he felt the same sadness and emotion as he had the day that he had put our beloved dog to sleep years ago. (I'm not sure exactly what that means even now) Our relationship is more distant and strained even today. (wow, that makes me so sad, I'm having tears now)
Hello Simplyme!
I feel like I have just been on a whirlwind adventure with you. You have a lot going on and it seems a very complex family history. You have enough life experiences to write a book...or ten books!
My question to you is...Where do you want to go from here? What is next for you in your life?
I am really glad you are here. You give so much to our site...it is much appreciated.
feel like I have just been on a whirlwind adventure with you. You have a lot going on and it seems a very complex family history. You have enough life experiences to write a book...or ten books!
My question to you is...Where do you want to go from here? What is next for you in your life?
I am really glad you are here. You give so much to our site...it is much appreciated.
Simply my adventures! lol - I've been secretly thing about writing a book or books for years.
Where do I want to go from here? -- UP! Better! I want to react differently to abuse. I want to stay okay in the midst of abuse, to no longer have my thinking become confused or my mind feel dazed by events beyond my control. I have made great progress, I'm reminding myself, as I realize that I am coming around to making myself a new project plan within 3 months time instead of the last time's 1 year time frame. Yet I wonder why I still feel like that isn't progress at all, that the only progress is not letting any of this phase me at all? Why am I not able to let the water roll off the perverbial ducks back? or Why am I unable to accept a pat on the back even from myself? Where do I want to go from here? Many years now, I've had 5 goals - to Live Simply, Have Outstanding Relationships, Be Healthy, Travel Often and Live Debt Free. I am doing most of those things well, I struggle with Living Healthy everyday and with Consistant Relationships though I have Outstanding ones. I already Travel Often, Live Debt Free and have downsized to a very Simple and minamalistic Lifestyle. Where do I want to go from here? I want to continue to Live a Simple Minamalistic Lifestyle, to Travel Lite and Often and to Live Debt Free. I am now challenging myself to create a Consistant Support system connecting in an amazingly outstanding way with those people who chose to celebrate me not people who tolerate me. I am also challenging myself to create days filled with more health - my ideas are to start by making 3 - 5 healthier choices each week and to drink water (both issues of mine). I challenge myself to add more social support as I continue Traveling Often (not sure how yet - a friend for walks as I get ready for next trip). And lastly I challenge myself to continue living Debt Free while Receiving as often as I give and no longer give beyond my ability or to the point of negatively affecting my own needs (okay this is a biggie).
What is next for me in MY LIFE? Allow myself to have MY OWN LIFE and to live it openly without apology. Spend more time in warm weather at the beach. Begin researching and writing that book or those books - find some support and guidance to help me focus those ideas into book form.
Mer.... I have a question for you. How did you learn to be so positive? You are so empathetic, supportive and encouraging here on this site. I so very much appreciate this and I'd love to be more positive. I'm wondering how you learned to be this way. And are you able to be this positive with yourself? What is your support system like and how did you develop it? :)