Hi,

I have been very negative the last few days....the only thing I can see is that the weather changed from sunny to cloudy and raining...this usually effects me...many of us...

I just keep thinking about the same things and last night...I was up all night, crying...and trying to breathe...and just so upset....

So, here is what has been going through my head all night...back and forth...

every once in a while, I will have such a night or day and it seems endless ...

the other thing that happens is a song will get stuck in my head and the same words will go over and over and over until I think I will get sick...from hearing the same thing in my mind...for days, every minute, the same repetition..it stopped though...

I have not been able to go outside as much lately...that is one reason for all this...I know..just because I am tired, feel unwell,  and it is cloudy...etc.

Well,here goes....some of the negative track going on in my head the last few days...maybe weeks...

I really hope it isn't too long...I have no idea how long it really is..or how jumbled... my mind is so exhausted..

  Since I heard that the one guy my boyfriend works with (there are 4 in the small office)...gave his two weeks notice...I have been afraid and worried about his getting closer to the one woman in the office who I have felt threatened by on and off ....and I have mentioned before...

why?? well, I guess she hung around this guy who gave his two weeks notice ...and now I am thinking that eventually....my boyfriend and her may begin to start talking more...maybe he will drive her somewhere...whatever...on and on...

I know he has told me, she is just a work friend...and that she gossips, is very negative, smokes pot, and is angry a lot, and etc etc and he "doesn't dislike her", and that he doesn't "dislike anyone he works with"....he just "works with them"  when I have asked if he likes her....but I worry...why?

well, one reason is simply because I feel very vulnerable right now...sick...and feeling bad, and unable to seek work myself....I guess I am feeling bad about myself for all this...and my health is just not getting back right now...to where I can work...yet...and I don't know if it will....and I feel very upset...and vulnerable by this...

why??  my mind does this...I guess I feel depressed...but...anyway, I opted not to say anything to my boyfriend about my worry about this guy quitting and his becoming closer to her....which on the other hand, I just don't think she is someone I would like, or he.....she was quite unkind to me when I was there in the office and seems to show little compassion for others, and just is a miserable, back stabbing (he said that I think) kind of person......and then coincidentally?  ....he stopped calling me for the last two weeks?!! maybe called back a few times...but we usually talk every night and he calls many more times!