Daily Bread

Blue for my state of mind, I guess. 

Controlling what I can and doing the best I can with what I have are philosophies I try to following.  I have been 'unemployed' now for a few years, before that, I lost several jobs within months due to my inability to concentrate because of the stressors of life and my disease.  My unrealistic expectations want a white knight to happen along and rescue me, the fair maiden.  My reality is that I have to buck up and continually fight 'the system' along with my disease.  I have to fight to not show my cynicism and fight to get better, not bitter.  I have to be a role model and I have to provide for my family, abide by my faith and yes, even try to earn a living or have a career.  Some days it's just too much, but I force myself to do the next thing...whatever it is.  Acknowledging losses has been a particular pattern in my life that I have to exercise or the depression will set in, sometimes like an ugly monster popping out from behind a bush on halloween.  Processing my thoughts and starting over are crucial elements for me as I adjust my sails to the wind.  Knowing who I am (a child of God created with meaning and purpose) helps me, knowing that my needs are able to be met and my wants sometimes attainable.  These thoughts help me to get back on track and sometimes even stay on my charted course (which I must regularly document and update).  I'm not sure where this posting is going except to say that I often "refuse" to cry and then it builds and builds until it eeeks out.  Afterwards I feel so much relief that I can truly start with a fresh perspective.  Isolation is my #1 enemy.  I must fight that enemy daily, not retreating to a comfort zone, but forcing myself to reach out and touch someone, anyone, a stranger, a friend, a client, a family member.  Who knows, just someone who's energy I can borrow to approach another day, sometimes the energy simply has to come from my dog who loves me unconditionally.  ...and so life continues, one day at a time.