ghosts from the past while dealing with depression

I do hope today was better for you and that you can gradually find some peace in all of this.

I just found out that my brain was damaged by the chronic neglect I went through. Here's what I've found out. I'm off the hook now for being defective and crazy - now I know why I am this way - read on. I hope you'll let yourself off the hook too. And if you do, you'll be able to stop the continuance of it.

I'm doing really well on my combo of Wellbutrin and Buspar (both generic). The following is a description of the metamorphosis I underwent Easter Sunday. Caution - If you have been struggling with relationships, anxiety, depression, this wll probably help you, but first it may really piss you off, so be aware, and have a trusted friend or therapist on hand so you can absorb this information safely.

I googled "emotional damage" on Easter Sunday, and discovered the primary reason why I started having panic attacks at age 12. It was the result of my parents ignoring me and never supporting me or showing affection caused actual organic brain damage. I have never had the ability to trust enough to accept and enjoy emotional intimacy. I'm really pissed that it took 57 years for me to find out, but it's a big relief, I can let myself off the hook for being "crazy and wierd", and accept that my panic when offered friendship and intimacy is a typical reaction given the injury to my brain chemistry. Quite the revelation. I'm looking at my entire being in a new way.Here's a link to the article I found on Scholastic: http://teacher.scholastic.com/professional/bruceperry/bonding.htm. I've found many other articles since then.

I'm still very angry that I've been pursuing recovery from being "defective" - after 38 years of therapy (not every year, but most of the time), 25 years in AA, 13 years trying to find medication to help, and a constant feeling that I'm abnormal, I find out that I have an organic problem - like diabetes, or asbergers. But at the same time, I've let myself off the hook for being wierd, and can see myself as a good person with an area of behavior that's different from most people - one that I can work on realistically now, because I'm not afraid of it. I talked about it with a couple of friends, and they didn't get freaked out and back off.

Here's what I emailed them yesterday, after we talked in the office breakroom:
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"If I seemed agitated talking about my parents, it's because I learned last week that their neglect actually damaged my brain's ability to process emotions - starting about age 12, I had panic attacks if emotional intimacy was offered. I have no recollection of my parents ever showing me affection, or each other, for that matter. They only touched me if I was sick, and they had to because I had a temperature.

So after 38 years in various types of therapy, and 13 years trying to find an antidepressant that worked enough to make me feel somewhat "normal," (and take away the panic/anxiety around people), I find out that my anxiety is actually organic - my brain learned about emotions backwards in a way, so instead of welcoming people who like me, it scares me - and if it's too much, I literally have an anxiety attack.

Since I was 12, I thought that this anxiety was because I was defective - that my feelings were "wrong". So even though it's a relief to find out that I had actual physical damage, it also pisses me off that I've spent all this time trying to fix the wrong thing - or using the wrong methods. And, thinking of myself as "crazy" because my feelings seem to backfire on me.

This is not news for anyone who works with abused children, but after someone gets to be an adult, no one addresses the problem - it's like now that we're "grownups" the symptoms should exist anymore. Not.

(Both my friends emailed me back with very supportive comments, thank god).

....  It's quite a relief to feel safe telling you all, too... I've known this about myself for a long time, but I was ashamed and embarrassed, rather than how I am now - It's the Facts, Ma'am :)"
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"One day at a time, keep on trudging the road of happy destiny."

Here's my favorite thought:

"In the end, what is most important is the integrity of your own mind."