This is going to be really hard for me to get through. I don't know why I'm posting it other than to get it out of my system. I'm not sure anyone will read it, or that anyone will care.
A year ago this past week, I lost my grandfather and my uncle, two days apart. I cannot begin to explain the hurt that runs through me.
A large part of me blames myself for my grandfather's death. My aunt and I found him lying on the floor, and I performed CPR on him until the paramedics arrived. I can't help but think that there was more I could have done. That maybe I should have checked on him earlier, or had more knowledge of what to do. Never in a million years did I think that he would never wake up again. I just knew that I had to try until help came. Then everything would be alright. I felt it; I didn't think God would take two people from my family so close together. I was wrong.
There hasn't been a day yet where I don't have to remind myself that they're both gone. You don't realize how much one person can affect so many people's lives until they're gone.
The next few weeks (especially with Christmas coming) are going to be exceptionally hard for me to deal with. I'm asking for support. I'm asking for understanding.
This isn't the first person close to me that I've lost. I lost my one and only best friend in a car accident in 03. Since then, it just seems like my life gets worse by the day. Someone else dies, or gets sick, and my life gets more lonely and miserable. I've done everything that I can think to try and feel better, but motivation is a serious factor. The oly thing keeping me from harming myself right now is that I'm too tired to get up, too tired to move out of the bed. I don't know how I'm going to go to work tomorrow. I hate my job, and the people there are very alienating. I wish I could just run away, or disappear for a while. No one talks to me, so no one would miss me. I just need time away from all this. Not like in another hospital, but away from the stress of my life. Before I break, and believe me, it's coming.
I sit and think a lot about the things I should have done the things that I didn't do. Dose anyone thing less of me for this? I don't let go as easy as everyone else. I miss my dad the most right now because he dad at home. My mother call me to come down and do CPR on him but I didn't answer the phone. My dad call me at 11:30 at night to come down and eat some spaghetti with him and bring the kids. They were a sleep so I didn't. On the phone my dad told me that he knew he wouldn't least the weekend. The doctor gave him the bad news the day before. I asked my dad if he knew he was dieing and he said up. He did not want anyone to try and save him because he didn't want to be on machines the rest of his life. This was his chose and he asked me not come down and use CPR. So I didn't, I was the only one he told about what the doctor said. About 3 years later I told my mom what he said to me. She was a little upset at me. It is hard to know what to do when you are put in place like this. We bought the farm from my mom and than my husband decided he wanted a divorce. I lost the farm and my only true love of my life. God has given me new hope and a reason to live again in my children and not to forget my friends here. There is always good friends and a place to talk to others with the same problems. God bless you and don't give up we care as well for you.
