In Crisis

I am currently seeing a therapist for the issues I am going through and we have made some breakthroughs.  One is that I don't make decisions of any sort.  I just put everything down and leave it hence I never end up moving forward or back.  The second is that I have a terrible self image, I hate my physical self.  So Friday night I made a concrete decision which was to better my physical self- see working on both things at the same time.  I joined a gym for $10/month.  Then Sat am went to work out.  I feel so out of shape.  Well I ended up riding a stationary bicycle 10 miles in under 1/2 hour.  I felt so good about myself and so proud.  I came home and got online with my husband, who coincidentally is in Iraq.  I told him of my accomplishment and he just started to scream at me about how it was a waste of money and basically how useless I am.  I told him how much he hurt me and he just continued to berrate me.  I just wish that he could see the first step to me working on our relationship is for me to improve myself.  I don't know how much more of his roller coaster ride I can take.

Sounds like you are starting to gain control of your life which you should be very proud. Try to widen your support structure and develop strong bonds with those around you. Try and speak to your therapist about ways to wake up your husband to the way he is treating you. As in these cases we hear all the time, it gets worse before it gets better. Just dont let it stop you from improving the person you are.

Pat

Yes he is my partner of 9 years come July, but I don't think he has ever really been here or understood me.  In the first two years of our marriage we spent, I mean really spent, only about 6 month to a year together.  He chose to do a deployment to Kuwait when our first son was only three months old.  Then when he came home he worked worked worked.  He'd leave before we were awake and got home after we were in bed.  I don't even care to have him touch me anymore.  But somehow through all of that we managed to make two more sons.  Unfortunately they aren't much of a support other than they have been the reason I keep on living.  Otherwise I would be long gone by now.  There are and aren't really any people I can talk to hence my decision to join a support group.  My mom lives right down the driveway but she just says really in a sarcastic tone when I try to talk about it.  I only have one friend but he has physical disabilities that keep him from being much of a supportive friend.  Umm other than that we start to get into muddy waters again.  I rescued an old friend from a bad situation back in Oct/Nov and since then we have formed an attachment for each other, slowly over time.  I hesitate to say we have fallen in love, but definately fallen in to something.  He doesn't make me feel alone even when he's here and I have been hesitant to do anything, again my inability to make decisions.  Hesitant because of the kids, social norms, morality and ethicality.  Dave has dropped the divorce bomb on me like three times throughout our marriage and I think it is his way of controlling me.  "Do things my way or I'll leave you."  And yes we've been to couples counseling and it was terrible.  I want to change or at least find what it is that will make me happy, not to lie to myself, which was her answer to the problem.  I was supposed to hug or kiss Dave everyday and I was supposed say to myself "this is good, I like this, this is what I need," but how can I say that to myself if it doesn't feel right?  She said eventually I would start to believe it.  Great now I'm brainwashing myself, no thanks. 

Oh yes talking it out seems to be helping so much.  I've even started keeping a journal.  I think I've been ready for action for sometime now just unable to make myself take action.  The only conflicts I really have is the love of my husband because he is the father of my boys and the financial ability to stay afloat.  I just started to see a counselor and she seems to be drawing me out of myself quite well.

Oh Rena I hate that you are in the same situation as me.  It isn't fair to be put in the situation that we seem to find our selves, but for me the way my husband has treated me this time was a real wake up call.  He has been quietly controlling for years and I just didn't realize it.  He tried to say yesterday, "lets just forget the argument and  put it behind us."  I know he can just go on but there is no way I will go on living that way.  Between talking it out here and being on the verge of a very bad place I do believe I have made the decision to move on.  If any of you all like comedy this has been my mantra over the past few days - here's your sign.  Good luck Rena and if you ever want to talk let me know.

Dear HappyMom,

I really do think that you are a very responsible person and know what the answer is for you and the children.

Go slow and be careful. Make sure you document everything that you do and your conversations with the father of your sons.

I don't know how so many of us women have gotten ourselves into the situations we have. I don't like to say too much because of being divorced myself.

I will suggest that life is really too short. So, please get on with your life know matter what road you decide to go down. I wish you a very scenic journey. I bet with your attitutude you will have a tremendous amount of friends.

Like the Divine Miss M says...stay in touch. I really do believe an exciting life awaits you.

Marlene