Yes he is my partner of 9 years come July, but I don't think he has ever really been here or understood me.  In the first two years of our marriage we spent, I mean really spent, only about 6 month to a year together.  He chose to do a deployment to Kuwait when our first son was only three months old.  Then when he came home he worked worked worked.  He'd leave before we were awake and got home after we were in bed.  I don't even care to have him touch me anymore.  But somehow through all of that we managed to make two more sons.  Unfortunately they aren't much of a support other than they have been the reason I keep on living.  Otherwise I would be long gone by now.  There are and aren't really any people I can talk to hence my decision to join a support group.  My mom lives right down the driveway but she just says really in a sarcastic tone when I try to talk about it.  I only have one friend but he has physical disabilities that keep him from being much of a supportive friend.  Umm other than that we start to get into muddy waters again.  I rescued an old friend from a bad situation back in Oct/Nov and since then we have formed an attachment for each other, slowly over time.  I hesitate to say we have fallen in love, but definately fallen in to something.  He doesn't make me feel alone even when he's here and I have been hesitant to do anything, again my inability to make decisions.  Hesitant because of the kids, social norms, morality and ethicality.  Dave has dropped the divorce bomb on me like three times throughout our marriage and I think it is his way of controlling me.  "Do things my way or I'll leave you."  And yes we've been to couples counseling and it was terrible.  I want to change or at least find what it is that will make me happy, not to lie to myself, which was her answer to the problem.  I was supposed to hug or kiss Dave everyday and I was supposed say to myself "this is good, I like this, this is what I need," but how can I say that to myself if it doesn't feel right?  She said eventually I would start to believe it.  Great now I'm brainwashing myself, no thanks. 

Oh Rena I hate that you are in the same situation as me.  It isn't fair to be put in the situation that we seem to find our selves, but for me the way my husband has treated me this time was a real wake up call.  He has been quietly controlling for years and I just didn't realize it.  He tried to say yesterday, "lets just forget the argument and  put it behind us."  I know he can just go on but there is no way I will go on living that way.  Between talking it out here and being on the verge of a very bad place I do believe I have made the decision to move on.  If any of you all like comedy this has been my mantra over the past few days - here's your sign.  Good luck Rena and if you ever want to talk let me know.