I've hit rock bottom

Dear crafty52,

The most important thing I can suggest to you is to see a psychologist or psychiatrist.  Most areas of the country have community mental health centers where individuals can get treatment for free if they have no insurance or income.  I encourage you to research this option as it is a very good one.  Also, I can hear in your post that you enjoy painting and flower arrangement.  Even if you can't sell these things, it is important to have hobbies.  I encourage you to do these activities that you enjoy for yourself, not others.  Finally, if you are feeling suicidal, I would go to the ER where you can get help.  It sounds scary and people often think that once there, they can never leave, but this is far from the truth.  I hope this advice is helpful.

Best of Luck,

Holly

Hello

I really hope this proves useful to you in some way.

My mother has suffered from severe depression most of her life. Sadly, in her case, it was never diagnosed/recognized and she still refuses to acknowledge that it's a problem. We never understood the issue, which must have been awful for her. She often isolated herself and engineered situations which would allow her to say, "You never loved me anyway" etc. "Well, I hate to be a burden", which ironically, as you would know, is a desperate cry to be loved, appreciated, respected & valued  As we all wish to be. As a child, though, it's difficult to catch the undertone. I wish someone could have spotted it to be able to recount the following:

What I've noticed is that my mother seems to cling to the depression itself as if it were a comfort food. As humans, we generally gravitate towards the things that are not necessarily the things we desire most, and not even the things that are healthiest for us, but the things that we know. I tend to think that emotions are as repetitive as any habit or pattern we create as humans. Once in a depression, I acknowledge that it's difficult and feels impossible to pull yourself out. But you first need the desire. As far as being a burden goes, the value we place on ourselves is always subjective. I'm not sure how, (and Im sorry for the lack of recommendations) you need to recognize your own worth in the first instance. Believe it. Create it, even. You said you painted. Think of the things you love in a painting and allow yourself to become inspired by it. Focus on the joy, and reject those comfortable feelings of self-loathing. Reject them because they don't need to be there. They're probably there for the same reason that stray cats come back for a second and third bowl of milk..  I'm not suggesting that feelings of sadness, grief or loss should be ignored or rejected. I'm suggesting that where one can recognise the difference between a reactionary emotion that has a place and the presence of unchecked negativity, that it's counter-productive to nurture the latter. You are not a burden. You are a person of value. Your life has the potential to be wonderfully fulfilling if you so choose. Please make the step and decide. I promise you that it's only a matter of shedding comfortable albeit well-treaded patterns and inviting into your life the things that provoke and even reinforce self-love.

Love & Strength.

Rachel

Things are never that bad that there is no solution.  Been there done that.  A book I read which helped me so much is called The Power Of Positive Thinking by Norman Peale.  Fantastic book!!  Well worth every penny.  My husband sounds exactly the same as yours, he doesnt understand and tells me to pull myself together.  When I felt my lowest I picked up that book and read it over and over and also this book has alot to do with god and his help.  I have hit rock bottom and now nearly at the top but not quite. If this book doesnt see to help I suggest going to see your GP. 

I too have felt this before and unless YOU do something to change it it will be on going!Because it's true unless you've felt that physical pain that starts in the chest and eats your soul,that takes every happy thought in your brain and smashes it to pieces, you couldn't possibly understand the pain.so what i suggest you try is let loose all your emotions regularly!honestly bottling them up hurts way more...i believe you've gotta breakdown to be built back up,as for your husband let him see you breakdown let him see for his own eyes the real pain you feel.Just remember your NOT alone there is many ppl out there that feel as alone as you,and WE are all together in fighting this pain. For some it's a re-ocurring sickness and depression is a sickness it's not something you can help from getting it makes you phyically weak,tired,and causes body pain not to mention emotional pain...please i beg of you be strong and when you come through this you'll appreciate more the good and important things of life.cuz the sweet ain't as sweet without the bitter! this has been so true for me i hope this can be of some help.GOD BLESS YOU