Hi I feel so alone and empty and so useless to myself and everyone around me. I have no one I can talk to that understands. I think they think I'm just lazy. And now I am getting where I can't can't leave the house. I haven't really cleaned the house in years. I just got to where I don't care. I'm just so empty and alone. I am married but he doesn't understand. I think he think I am just lazy. And pretty much tells me that. That I just have to pick myself up and go on. But when I do something it is never good enough . He is a hard worker and just can't understand me. And I realize why he feels this way. But nevr has a kind word for me. I love God and have prayed and prayed for his guidance. Can anyone help me. I am on all kinds of medication. But can't affor a physciatrist. I think of suicide constantly, so I will no longer be a burden to my friends or loved ones. I used to be a good painter. But it got where no one wanted what I painted. So that was another blow to my self esteem. I'm still a pretty good florist. But can't leave the house to get a job to work in a florist job. I can do them at home. But no one to come and see them. Please hlep me . I need help so badly
I've hit rock bottom
Hello
I really hope this proves useful to you in some way.
My mother has suffered from severe depression most of her life. Sadly, in her case, it was never diagnosed/recognized and she still refuses to acknowledge that it's a problem. We never understood the issue, which must have been awful for her. She often isolated herself and engineered situations which would allow her to say, "You never loved me anyway" etc. "Well, I hate to be a burden", which ironically, as you would know, is a desperate cry to be loved, appreciated, respected & valued As we all wish to be. As a child, though, it's difficult to catch the undertone. I wish someone could have spotted it to be able to recount the following:
What I've noticed is that my mother seems to cling to the depression itself as if it were a comfort food. As humans, we generally gravitate towards the things that are not necessarily the things we desire most, and not even the things that are healthiest for us, but the things that we know. I tend to think that emotions are as repetitive as any habit or pattern we create as humans. Once in a depression, I acknowledge that it's difficult and feels impossible to pull yourself out. But you first need the desire. As far as being a burden goes, the value we place on ourselves is always subjective. I'm not sure how, (and Im sorry for the lack of recommendations) you need to recognize your own worth in the first instance. Believe it. Create it, even. You said you painted. Think of the things you love in a painting and allow yourself to become inspired by it. Focus on the joy, and reject those comfortable feelings of self-loathing. Reject them because they don't need to be there. They're probably there for the same reason that stray cats come back for a second and third bowl of milk.. I'm not suggesting that feelings of sadness, grief or loss should be ignored or rejected. I'm suggesting that where one can recognise the difference between a reactionary emotion that has a place and the presence of unchecked negativity, that it's counter-productive to nurture the latter. You are not a burden. You are a person of value. Your life has the potential to be wonderfully fulfilling if you so choose. Please make the step and decide. I promise you that it's only a matter of shedding comfortable albeit well-treaded patterns and inviting into your life the things that provoke and even reinforce self-love.
Love & Strength.
Rachel
Thank you, Rachel, for your insight. I like how you state that we need to believe in your worth, and create it if you need to. If you make the difference to even one person, make it your goal to be there for that person and truly focus on them. Don't feel like you own up to the status of those around you? You don't need to care about how positively or negatively they think of you. Take that power away from them so you can have enough to live your life. It's not easy to just reject tons of negative thoughts of your own at once, "I'm not good enough, no one loves me, I'll never amount to anything, I have no value". Those thoughts are rotting away your soul, and may someday take your life if you don't take a stand against it. You are alive today, so there is at least a small part of living, breathing, healthy parts to your being. Make the choice one step at a time to assess the reality. If you are diagnosed with or suspect you have depression, you must admit that parts of your brain or chemicals in your body are not entirely in place, and what you think is real and what is actual fact will often and/or always be conflicting. Reorient your brain to reality.
If you say you believe in God, you may be familiar with Jeremiah 29:11 if you are Christian that says "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". God (to me) is the true God that created the world and all its wonders AND created you and me. He knows everything down to the number of hairs on your head, and listens to the constant streaming of your thoughts. You may ask, "so THIS is what God had planned for my life?" If you are in pain today because of the negative thoughts mentioned above, I would say no, that is NOT the plan He has for you, there is a better plan. Unfortunately, sin entered this world and Satan is a real, present, and hungry being. You can CHOOSE to recognize that your purpose and value is more than you're allowing it to be in this second, and you have the option of being a happier person if you want to work on it one baby step at a time. Decide that it is not a good idea to look in the past for your regrets -it's where those evil thoughts have the most power. Again, take back that power (because it's YOURS and God's). The only time you should look back is to tell a loved one you are sorry for mistakes you have made, or to pray that you never make those mistakes again. If you are feeling down because of your status, think of who it truly affects. Is it a bully in high school that you wanted to look better than for ten-year reunion? Not enough friends in your social network? What physical, life-shattering changes does it really make? Don't let it take your power; you need that strength to survive! It's human and normal to constantly look at your life and determine if it's "worthy". If everyone had as high of standards as you, we would all fall short. Be thankful of grace, and remember that it's ok to fall short every single day. It is not ok to beat yourself up about it.
My apologies if this offends anyone. This was more a journaling for myself. I was diagnosed with severe depression two years ago, and it runs in half of my immediate family. I've been in the basement sulking for nearly two weeks on a recent job loss, and am ready for that to change. I will have to return to a less "noble" job, and perhaps even claim unemployment if things don't look up, but I refuse to let it consume and claim one more day of my life. Time to re-train the brain.
Things are never that bad that there is no solution. Been there done that. A book I read which helped me so much is called The Power Of Positive Thinking by Norman Peale. Fantastic book!! Well worth every penny. My husband sounds exactly the same as yours, he doesnt understand and tells me to pull myself together. When I felt my lowest I picked up that book and read it over and over and also this book has alot to do with god and his help. I have hit rock bottom and now nearly at the top but not quite. If this book doesnt see to help I suggest going to see your GP.
I too have felt this before and unless YOU do something to change it it will be on going!Because it's true unless you've felt that physical pain that starts in the chest and eats your soul,that takes every happy thought in your brain and smashes it to pieces, you couldn't possibly understand the pain.so what i suggest you try is let loose all your emotions regularly!honestly bottling them up hurts way more...i believe you've gotta breakdown to be built back up,as for your husband let him see you breakdown let him see for his own eyes the real pain you feel.Just remember your NOT alone there is many ppl out there that feel as alone as you,and WE are all together in fighting this pain. For some it's a re-ocurring sickness and depression is a sickness it's not something you can help from getting it makes you phyically weak,tired,and causes body pain not to mention emotional pain...please i beg of you be strong and when you come through this you'll appreciate more the good and important things of life.cuz the sweet ain't as sweet without the bitter! this has been so true for me i hope this can be of some help.GOD BLESS YOU
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Dear crafty52,
The most important thing I can suggest to you is to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. Most areas of the country have community mental health centers where individuals can get treatment for free if they have no insurance or income. I encourage you to research this option as it is a very good one. Also, I can hear in your post that you enjoy painting and flower arrangement. Even if you can't sell these things, it is important to have hobbies. I encourage you to do these activities that you enjoy for yourself, not others. Finally, if you are feeling suicidal, I would go to the ER where you can get help. It sounds scary and people often think that once there, they can never leave, but this is far from the truth. I hope this advice is helpful.
Best of Luck,
Holly