My Story Part II: Diagnosis and Understanding

The one misnomer I have been told about PTSD is that it is not curable. I learned this early in therapy, and considered myself doomed to be at the mercy of the PTSD symptoms—particularly, the triggers. What I have continued to learn is that although there may not be a guaranteed cure, there is hope for the PTSD not to run my life. I wish I had been told earlier that recovery was possible.

With or without treatment, triggers can still throw me off my footing so fast. In a single moment of being triggered, all I know and have learned can be undone—like blowing down a house of cards. It is a very helpless feeling. I can be emotionally balanced with the depression and anxiety, physically strong and productive, and I can still be triggered; when triggered, I immediately begin to pull back and disassociate. I am staring at all that is occurring around me, very unsure of what to do. I am always terribly frightened and am unable to react the way I would prefer. When I disassociate, I feel as if I am behind a glass wall: I am clear and cognizant, I am just unable to emotionally engage and there are tears streaming down my face or I am simply a blank stare (sometimes both). I am waiting for safety to come and feel that sense of relief. When I disassociate, I physically feel paralyzed and all goes into slow motion.

Sometimes a trigger will set off an anxiety attack, other times a trigger will leave me frozen where I stand. Once triggered, I experience flashbacks to earlier traumas. My anxiety is off the charts and I can not cope. The depression is overwhelming, and intensive therapy is required to bring me to stabilization.

With increased wellness and specialized therapy, my ability continues to improve to prevent complete disassociation when triggered. If I can prevent complete disassociation from occurring by becoming more consciously aware of when it is happening, I will not spiral up or down with crashing speed if I immediately put into practice different techniques to keep me mindfully present. I am still in practice on this issue, but I am improving.