Depression and Positive Thinking
I am finding that I have entered a new stage of my life where I am not experiencing fear. Perhaps more accurately, I am noticing that fear could be involved in my decisions, but I am not reacting based in fear.
Within all the chaos that is currently surrounding me, I find that I am calm and clear. I am very tired and emotionally taxed with various decisions and situations--particularly the suicide of one of my very best friends.
I think that for me, the tipping point that showed itself to me with the suicide is that life came to a sudden halt, and all emotion became focused on that one event. I acknowledge that I am still in a place of shock regarding the suicide. In the early weeks I could not stop crying. For the next two weeks I did not cry at all. In the past two days, I have cried twice. Crying is not the only form my sadness takes. I have also been impatient with absurdity and lack of decency by other people.
What is resulting is becoming clear to me in that the world and its business on a moral and ethical level is increasing in clarity, i.e., right versus wrong. (I do agree with what has been said by others that the Universe [or God] will continue to try to get your attention regarding a certain life issue by bringing the same issue to you over and over and over until you understand the lesson and respond differently.)
My life issue hitting me over and over the last year and a half has been all about accountability. Previously, when another was not accountable for their actions, I was stymied. I was stymied because I did not understand the idea of not being accountable. I am someone who chooses to be accountable for their decisions and actions. If I have unintentionally created upset (I do not deliberately set out to create contentiousness), I am the first to talk to that person to ask for forgiveness and explain the situation to facilitate understanding. (I know that the rest of the world--particularly in business--does not always respond in this manner.) I do not lie, I do not cheat, I do not try to get away with breaking the law. I pay all taxes. My small contracting business is registered in the state and with the Federal Government as I work my way off disability status (which creates more paperwork and issues than if I just simply lied!). When friends need me, I show up. I have a reputation for being considered dependable.
I am not saying I am perfect; I am saying that I am accountable and a person of my word.
What has occurred over and over lately is the lack of accountability by others. And finally, yes, it has my attention.
And this then brings me to my newly discovered lack of fear. Again, decisions to be made that could very easily be dictated by fear are continuing to present themselves with increasing speed. If someone is being a bully, irresponsible, or not accountable for their actions that result in damage or pain, I find I am standing up clearly, plainly and calmly in each situation without any hesitation. This lack of hesitation is surprising even to me, but at the same time I am feeling very comfortable in my skin. I am not afraid of what another with think of me. It is not up to me to please everybody and have everyone like me. This is new for me, and feels, to me, that I am utilizing my backbone.
I recently served a man with a subpoena for a friend of mine. He has a history of predatory behavior, and normally for me this would send me running in the opposite direction. Instead, I walked up to the door, preformed the service, and walked calmly away. Good glory! There perhaps should be more amazement on my part, but instead all I am thinking is what is the best and right thing to do in this situation and how do I best act upon it. I am finally behaving in a manner that is not run by my past. This is a very big deal, and at the same time, it feels right. Why in the world do I need to be concerned with what others think of me? This is the question I have been trying to answer for the majority of my life. And now it is clear.
What matters is what I think of me. If I am acting in response to my own integrity and am standing in integrity, then why should another's opinion trump my own? In the past I have allowed others opinions to stop me quick in my tracks and I did not respond in the way I thought best. Now, my opinion carries weight and merit. I am responding likewise.
All feedback received thus far is "way to go" or gratitude when standing for another. One thing I may do is stand for what is right, what is good, what is fair, what is decent. Standing in integrity for all the right reasons will enable me to make good on my promise to myself: no regrets.
I wish to goodness that I understood the fullness of this lesson prior to the suicide. However, I credit my new approach to Betty. So much reminds me of her and what she would do. Through knowing her, I have been increasingly respondent in this manner. With her death, this is what I think about. It has accelerated my response in this manner.
I wish I could share this experience with her. She would be proud of me. I miss her terribly and a big chunk of my heart passed on with her. In all the continuing confusion and despair that has resulted from her decision, this is one manner in which I am responding. I am finding strength in my sadness, but I would have rather continued to move forward with friendship, encouragement, support and belief spoken and shared together. She was such a part of me, my soul, my spirit, the person I knew I could be. As I continue to transform, I want to share this with her.
My last honor to Betty will be taking on the responsibility of spreading her cremated remains. She would be horrified to know the amount of autopsy being performed, tests, and reports that are occurring with her body. I know her spirit is not longer temporal; I still do not know how to fully let go of a person who meant the world to me.