Mental Health and College: Treatment vs. Self-Medication

I was a walking dichotomy: serious and obsessed honor student indulging in hard drinking at least one night per week and slowly killing myself by smoking. And none of the escape tactics mattered. Only the grades mattered, and how I got them did not faze me.

Sadly, the last semester of senior year I was still extremely suicidal. (None of my "escape" tactics worked long-term.) If I did not achieve a certain grade status upon graduation, then that would be it for me. I did not have a plan for suicide, but I knew it would be my answer. When I actually achieved the grades I desired, I could have cared less. Once I achieved what I thought I desired, I was lost all over again. If I was not going to die, then what? I did not know how to live and I was so exhausted.

Graduation day came and went, and again, I could have cared less. My obsession with grades is a clear example of co-dependency: once I achieved the cumulative average I desired, I thought I would feel better. I was wrong. Once I achieved it, all was forgotten and I was on to the next thing to achieve to make me feel better about myself. My co-dependency lasted for years until I became educated not to continue to repeat the patterns.

This is what college was like for me: total and complete stress and chaos. Ignorance was my foundation, and this need not be your experience. I share all this as information to perhaps promote thought and/or discussion.

See also by Deborah Gray:

How to Minimize Your Chances of Becoming Depressed in College