A Slip On The Road of Recovery

I know the road of recovery is not a straight shot road. I do consider myself in recovery--not recovered--as the process of recovery requires conscious awareness, medication and therapy compliance, and taking the time to practice self-care. Set-backs will occur sometimes, regardless of just how diligent I try to be. For me, there are no guarantees for the depression, anxiety and PTSD, just the willingness and commitment to be healthy. And for great chunks of time, I am doing great!

I am not filled with "gloom and doom" of my mental health diagnoses, but rather do my best to understand what it will require of me to not let these illnesses consume and/or dictate my life.

Currently, I am simply in one of those times where the emotional toll of experiencing life unfolding around me is chipping away at my own coping skills. I am a bit tired, and feeling a bit thwarted, by the resurgence of old symptoms.

I have been working closely with my therapist, but this therapist does not live with me 24/7. It is up to me to comply with adjustments, getting more sleep, watching the stress levels, and when to just go out and take a walk. And sometimes I don't want to go out for a walk. Sometimes I just cry it out instead. This is okay too, as it releases the pressure cooker going on in my head.

Nevertheless, a resurgence of old belief systems does require for me to check-in with my therapist. It means being ever so more closely watchful of what I am thinking, telling myself, and obtaining the support I require. I do not always like sharing the truth with my therapist, but I know this is the only way to move through such times to receive the guidance and care required to make these moments as temporary as possible. (Knowing a set-back is only temporary is what keeps my hope for healthy and productive living alive.)

I do not want to back slide, I want to keep moving forward! However, given my current state of exhaustion (physical and emotional) this does set up me for increased vulnerability for negative self-talk.

And all this leads me to where I am currently standing. The resurgence of the old belief symptoms that are showing up for me is feeling stupid. I know rationally that I am an intelligent woman, but I can so easily slide back into trusting the wrong people. Yes, some people can be deceptive and manipulative and this may not always be recognized right away. That is not where my feelings of stupid come into play. For me, it is when I begin to bypass the "red flags" and rationalize them away. I allow my desire to give others the benefit of the doubt over my own intuition.

This behavior pattern of mine--not trusting what I believe to be true as well as my feelings about a particular subject or person--began early. I would be told that my feelings and perceptions were off, and then was told the "correct" interpretation instead. This happened often enough that I discarded any gut instincts I had because I was always told they were wrong. This belief system stayed with me all the way into my 30s. And when I am vulnerable, I can slide back again and allow my desire to give others the benefit of the doubt over my own intuition. And I will do this over and over and over and not be fully aware of it.