A Slip On The Road of Recovery

Not being in full conscious awareness of each detail of my behavior is still disconcerting, still a frightening thought for me. Sometimes I need another to point it out. I do not like that I can still experience blind spots when it comes to my well-being. It happens, and it may not be as serious as it has been in the past, but it still exists. Sometimes I am so embarrassed by my "trust" of the wrong person that I feel shame. And this spirals me right back to feeling stupid for not recognizing all that is occurring around and within me.

Right now, I am watching my self-talk. If I hear myself saying, "You are so stupid to have not seen that!" I need to pull my full body weight into the present. Not an easy thing to do. Trusting another is not a bad thing; it is when the trust in front of me has been betrayed over and over and I keep going, apologizing for misunderstandings. Good glory! Getting "caught" in an old pattern or belief system is rough. Yes, I know that once my awareness catches up, I will be okay and will be able to rectify the situation at hand. It is the rectifying where my humility comes into play, my acute notice of my past, and I how I may fall into patterns that are not good so easily. The good part of this is that I have support systems in place (family, friends and professionals) to tell me what I am not noticing.

Each time a blind spot hits again, it gets a little easier to handle it, set it right, and pursue healthy movement forward. Quite frankly, I do not like my blind spots, but they still exist. My saving grace is the support I surround myself with.

I still consider myself in recovery. If I were not in recovery, I would not see this slip into old patterns and beliefs as a temporary issue to be addressed. It is not a collapsing of all I have created up to this point for health. I just got off at an unhealthy exit, and need to get back on the road for health and well-being again.

It is a reminder of how my past may still influence my present, and that I do not like. I want to be in control of my illnesses as best as I am able, and sometimes things like this show up. I need to not berate myself, but see it for what it is, and continue forward. As time passes, I do become stronger, more aware, and more conscious. But some things will slide right in without my noticing. I don't like it, but because there is still a proclivity for this, this is why I am still within the care of professionals. I will be over this "feeling stupid' sooner rather than later, and this is only due to the support I have in place. Thank goodness.

Recovery in mental illness is not an easy thing to accomplish. Doing the very best you know how, with the support of professionals (as well as others) is a definite step in the right direction. I adamantly refuse to allow a slip or a blind spot to send me spiraling backward, and this is my testament to being in recovery. My mental illnesses are not all that I am--they just show up sometimes.