The fundamental aspect of living, for me, is the knowledge that the state of being of peacefulness exists within me. Peacefulness is my center, my grounding, the state that serves me best. The ability to live fully and well is the direct result of experiencing peacefulness: I am calm, I can breathe freely, I can think and reason clearly, and I am grounded in the knowledge that I am capable to take on the challenges that show up. I also no longer need to be so serious about the small stuff, and I will now laugh loud and long and even snort on occasion.
Sometimes, particularly when in the full storm of a resurgence of the PTSD, I feel that I may never move beyond that time of feeling engulfed by the intensity of my emotions. I feel that I may not escape this time; and that this time I will not be able to climb out and escape. I now know this is the PTSD talking, not me. It is the illness, not me. I need intensive intervention in times of a severe PTSD resurgence to remember this very important fact, but the time to recapture the sense of it being temporary is becoming shorter as I grow older. Thank goodness! I do not like losing the feeling that I am capable, but it happens. And sometimes it takes a long time to remember that feeling and begin to live it out again.
Knowing that I may need the strong pull of support and guidance from time to time can be an overwhelming thought. It is also an overwhelming thought that I have the ability to live peacefully and happily. The ideas are equally powerful; it is simply the illness that creates the doubt. If I may remember that, I have access to the tools necessary for me to live out the majority of my future with the peacefulness and happiness I have so come to enjoy.
