Is just okay good enough?

By Jamie Thursday, June 02, 2011

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Sometimes those of us with depression are willing to accept a life that is just okay, instead of aiming for living a life that is something more. Just recently I was doing exactly that.

For the last several years I have been okay. I've been emotionally stable and steady, without any real highs or lows. You could say that I've been pretty numb emotionally, but sometimes when you suffer with depression that numbness can be a good thing.

Recently I decided that feeling numb, that feeling just okay, wasn't good enough, and I dared to hope for something more.

If you've been following my blog, you'll know that I believed I could experience more than an okay life with numbed emotions. I thought I could experience a life free from some of the side effects of Paxil, such as weight gain. So I went to my doctor and choose to switch up my antidepressants.

It started off okay. I had fairly extreme withdrawal symptoms, but mentally I felt good. I kept telling myself that soon the physical withdrawal symptoms would get better, and that I would start feeling better than I had in a while.

When my Paxil dose was low enough (5mg a day), I started Wellbutrin and experienced a whole new set of side effects. Then things got worse emotionally.

This past weekend I've been very emotional and even experienced some suicidal thought. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal, but I'm starting to go downhill. I can see it and it scares me. Nothing scares me more than the depths of depression.

The other night I cried myself to sleep. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin thanks to the side effects from the new medication. I wondered why feeling okay before wasn't good enough. I would certainly trade what I'm feeling right now to feel just okay.

But I decided that okay wasn't good enough. I let myself hope for something better, for something that may or may not exist.

Now, even though it's very difficult, I need to follow the path I have chosen. I need to get stabilized on this new medication and be willing to make changes if it doesn't work.

To be honest, this is hard work. Not that I've started, I honestly wish that I didn't dream for a better tomorrow. I now wish that okay had been good enough.

But if okay is all we can hope for, what is the point?

Comments (6) | Add comment

LyraStorm

6/ 2/11 10:44pm

Hi Jamie,

I absolutely think striving for more than just okay is a good idea. Perhaps this new medication isn't for you, hopefully you'll find one that works soon, but just going through life on a flat plane of existence... for me that is like enduring life instead of just living it.

I, too, struggle with the rise out of just ok. When you fight so hard against depression okay is definitely an improvement - but I don't believe you feel truly alive, and so there is a part of you inside that says 'what is the point'. There is for me anyway. Thus I strive for things that will make me happy, more than just ok.

I truly believe that in time, if you continue searching for it, you will get more than ok. Though perhaps you need to look in places other than just the medication? Not being on anything myself I am no expert on what is the best thing to do drug-wise - however I know that I look for things in my own life that I enjoy and try to capitalise on that so I can feel more than just ok.

I wish you the best of luck and let us know how things go. Do you think you will stick with this new medication, for example, if it is giving you such bad side-effects and if you feel worse depression-wise? When do you see your doctor again to discuss it? Thinking of you.

aml0017

6/ 3/11 10:14am

I can totally relate to this. I struggle to live my life rather than just settle for hanging on. However, I've come to learn that just okay is actually pretty darn good. I think everyone should always strive to live the best life they can, even if they don't always succeed. I think it is the drive and the purpose that makes a life. As long as you are doing that, you're good. I used to constantly compare my life to other peoples' ("happy" people), until I realized they are just ok too. I don't know if this makes sense or not, it is hard for me to explain.

I applaud you for taking the risk of changing your meds. I chose to completely stop the meds a couple years ago. I have mild depression that never gets very severe so I just thought it was better for me to just get through it myself. I got worse at first then I got better. I hope you find the drug combo that works for you. It is hard to be depressed after a long period of being ok. I haven't been depressed for the last couple years either so that makes this current episode worse for me.

pamela

6/ 3/11 2:22pm

I got off Paxil too because of the weight gain and now I'm on Wellbutrin. I experienced some wicked side effects with it - crying and suicidal thoughts. I've been on it for 3 months or more and I'm calmer. I get angry over little things, but that just may be me.. I take an anxiety pill too which has helped alot..

I think the same as you as far as wanting more outta life, go for it. More people should be like this,, maybe the world would be a better place.

Merely Me, Health Guide

6/ 4/11 11:08am

Hello Jamie and welcome to the site

I wandered over to take a look at your blog...I see you have some great links on there...especially Dr. Deb and Susan. They are some of my favorite mental health bloggers. I will be straight with you...we usually don't allow people to use this site to market their blogs or websites because you run into the whole issue of spam and other issues...particularly fairness. Generally it is fine to put your link to your blog in your profile. If you are here to reach out and become part of the community of course we love that!

And now to comment on your post...

I hope you are feeling a bit better this weekend. I think many of our members have been through a similar experience...I know I have. It would be nice to get out of survival mode and really start living. This is where I think therapy can help as well as making life changes to go from being "just okay" to feeling satisfied and enjoying your life.

John Folk-Williams, a writer for this site, has written a lot about the recovery process and he too, describes the wish to go beyond feeling okay. In most of his posts he talks about how recovery should be the goal of any type of therapy or treatment for mood disorders.

I have always felt that the key for me was to learn how to manage and cope with my depression because it is recurring for me. There are times when survival is my goal. Should we reach beyond this survival state? Yes absolutely. But I am not going to beat myself up if I don't achieve this on a day to day basis.

Looking forward to hearing more from you. It might be good to read other member's posts...comment and...get involved with this community if this is your goal. The support from others can really help.

Donna-1

6/ 4/11 1:09pm

MM and aml0017, I am with you! And Jamie, it is great that you are reaching out for something better for yourself. So many years, I yearned for "just okay." I thought I would never be just okay again. Just be free from the plummeting and occasional hypomanic fireworks. And I tried a lot of different options, different meds, ECT, individual therapy, group therapy, different psychistrists, self-help books, etc. I didn't know anything about depression when it "all started" or got "bad enough" to warrant a visit to the family doc. So I didn't get in on any holistic or alternative med options when they might have really been interventions and done some good. To me, once you are over your head in medications and their side effects, the "natural" approach is out the window. Because you are no longer just dealing with the mood disturbance, but with weight gain, addiction to anxiolyltics, insomnia or hypersomnia, depersonalization, etc., that I think can sometimes happen because of meds as well as being a reason for the meds in the first place. It can all get so confusing. I wish I had doctors who did more than prescribe medication. I wish I had some who were concerned with the personality and life that goes with the physical brain and its components. Know what I mean?

But if you find the rare days of "just okay" are somehow enhanced and made "better than just okay" by medication or any other treatment options, like working hard at cognitive-behavioral therapy, like visiting a spa, like doing mood-enhancement workbooks, dancing in your bedroom...WHATEVER..I say GO FOR IT!!!!!!

Jamie

6/ 4/11 10:19pm

Thank you all for your comments. I've been really struggling and wondering if I made the right decision. This is such a lengthily and difficult process (funny how you forget that type of thing)

LyraStorm - I have tried going without medication in the past, and each time I became suicidal very quickly. Unfortunately I have severe clinical depression. With two small children, I can't even consider not being on medication at this point. Although it is something I often wish I could do.

aml0017 - Thanks. It's so difficult right now and I just wish there was an easier way.

pamela - I'm so glad to hear that the side effects calm down after a while with Wellbutrin. I had read that and decided that I would give it three months and if I didn't feel better then I would try something else. My doctor doesn't seem very knowledgeable on this, so she hasn't been much of a help (to be perfectly honest) I'm finding the most help through all of this from message boards, blog comments and my twitter friends. It's amazing how strangers that share an illness can be so supportive, when family and friends may not necessarily understand.

Merely Me - I totally didn't mean to be spammy let me know what I can do. My intention was never to come across as a jerk. Just thought this would be another place to reach out for support. I have been lurking when I have time - although with kids ages 7 and 5 my time is limited.

Donna-1 - I'm dreaming of one of those days right now :-)

Jamie

Is just okay good enough?

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