I just realized my wife has been suffering from depression since the day I met her.
At the base of her depression is severe anger for an event in her childhood that was never acknowledged. The simplest disappointments in life are a catalyst for a severe anger outburst. She needs to deal with the disappointment by attacking the person closest to her. I do not participate or acknowledge the bad things that have happened so it will turn into personal insults against me and my family. Terrible things are stated. I have lost my tolerance for the attacks and now my words are used against me. I have asked that she see someone. She refuses stating she does not want to hurt anyone but this is tearing her apart as the years go by. She has stated lately that it is over between us. She speaks about everything bad happens to her. You cannot comfort her with hope. An example of a bad event is a new camera is delivered but it is defective. True, the vendor was not very helpful or cooperative in rectifying the situation but it is not the basis for "my life is horrible and no good things happen to me. Everything is difficult. I want do quit. You give me no sympathy". We fight that I cannot agree with her. The other problem is we have three young boys under the age of four. It is affecting them. She screams at the top of her lungs and they imitate her at times. She is a intelligent person with a lot of willpower but this is ripping her apart. It is like a tea kettle ready to explode at the slightest indication of a negative thing to occur. There have been some crappy things that have occurred but this is not a healthy way to deal with them. I am at my wits end especially since she considers me as part of the problem. I do not know what to do.
Hi there. I am so sorry that this is going on, I totally understand both sides of the picture. I was in her spot years ago and it finally got so painful that I realized I had to get help or end it all and we had two little boys at the time. I also blamed my husband but it took therapy to see that it was largely displaced anger. I eventually started taking antidepressants. One thing you could do is go talk to a therapist yourself - you could use the support and might get some ideas of how to get your wife to either come with you or find a couples therapist, if she won't go individually. I wasn't quite sure what you were saying about not acknowledging what happened to her - is that what she's telling you? Since you know or believe you know where her anger is coming from, I would guess that you might have mentioned it to her, but just doing that won't make it go away. Beneath that anger there is most likely a ton of pain and this is how she avoids feeling it. If you see a therapist yourself, you could also voice your concerns about the effect this is having on your children. I also grew up in a household where everything was taken out on the kids and I am still trying to heal from it today - it takes a horrible toll. I think it is commendable that you want her to get help instead of just walking away, but right now she's looking at life through the dark glasses and doesn't see it as help, just another thing that's trying to ruin her life.
Some people would say you could give her an ultimatum - either get help or leave. But you may not be able, emotionally, to do that, so you have to work with what you've got. This site has information on getting help or if you have a family doctor, maybe you could get some referrals. Don't try to weather this alone, it sounds too big and there are several lives being affected by it. You can always write here again for support and I'd like to hear how you're doing. Keep being as supportive as you can be - some day she will remember it, believe me. Don't give up hope that this can be addressed, as long as you have hope you will keep searching until you get what you need for her and for yourself and family. Please let me know how it goes, I really do empathize with you.
I have mention many times she needs to deal with the situation that happened to her as a child. She stated that no one in her family acknowledged her experience (her mother) though she felt like she was screaming within that it happened. She cannot deal with people who chew gum because she associates the time after the event with her mother chewing gum and she was not able to communicate to her what happened. Her father was an alcoholic who had limited visits with her as a child for which she has stated he was another failure because he was not around to protect her. She is very intelligent and has the will power of a bull but I believe this unresolved experience is killing her. She escaped to her grandmother's house as a child to the point her mother would tell her she had to come home. Her grandmother is no longer living so she has lost that comfort zone. When I stated I now know she is depressed, I have always known there was a problem but now it seems to have moved to a new level. She has stated she has changed and she is not taking anyone's BS anymore. She has told me during outbursts that our relationship is over. This is new. We have been together for 23 years, 19 of those married. We have had difficult time having children which is one of the negative experiences we had to encounter. She also now states she can no longer function, forgets things, wants to give up, states she is cursed, more negative things happen to her than everyone else (she gets upset with me if I point out the things we have or how worse it could be), everyone lets her down including God, no one sympathizes with her, and has a huge distrust that people will do the right thing. As an example, her birthday was this past Saturday. She is into photography so I got her an expensive camera bundled with accessories (she chose it) When she went to use the camera, it was not working. She immediately went into a tirade of how she is cursed and how difficult things are and how I do not sympathize that these things are true. We are actually not speaking right now. I tried to resolve the situation with the vendor but she always puts you into a corner where no matter what you do is not good enough. You are trapped with no options to make it good. She has stated the camera will represent one more failure in her life.
I posted to this board because I am confused. I am questioning myself. Do I provide enough support and comfort? I know that I am not the most comforting person in the world but is what she is saying true? My general viewpoint is I am grateful for what I have and aware of what other people are dealing with. When I say those things to try to put perspective on the issue, it throws her into frenzy. Is the manner I am handling this wrong?
I really appreciate your advice and will let you know how things work out.
It does seem like you can't do anything right, doesn't it! I would guess nobody could right now. I was wondering if things got worse after you had children because postpartum depression could be a factor here, it can go on for a long time, especially if one is already struggling with it. I hope you will seriously consider seeing a therapist for yourself; a good one should have some constructive ideas about how to handle this. You have to have support so you don't go carrying around a lot of resentment toward her, which you are abound to have when she is shutting you out and blaming you for everything. Not being a professional, I'm just making a guess, but she sounds like she is in a major depression - feeling like everyone is out to get you is one symptom. She is lucky to have you because it seems like you really want to understand and to make things easier for her. Just remember, it's an illness, it's really not about anything you've done or not done. You're doing the best you can, so try to take care of yourself so you don't get dragged down into it. Your kids need you now more than ever. I don't know her job situation, of course, but they might provide for paid medical leaves, which would give her a break from work and would require that she see a doctor to get the diagnosis and documentation. I was able to take a leave twice and it relieved a lot of pressure and let me spend more time getting help.
I hope things will soon get better and yes, please let us know what develops.