I miss my old depression support forum. I had to leave because things behind the scenes, shockingly to those of us paying attention, were not kosher--not at all. Some day I hope to tell the story--because it is quite a tale! But I did not realize how stabilizing it was there. I knew how everything worked and I knew all the people pretty much. So that is bothering me.

There is also the intense worry over getting a job. I am really a professional but that route seems closed right now and I have been doing customer service just to pay the bills. But what used to take 3 weeks to get a job is now running on 6 months and I am downright scared. That kind of scared where it feels cold around your heart. I went to a temp agency and this guy to make it short was such a rude negative abusive twit I should have walked out on him. It is true my work history lately has been spotty but he just kept rubbing it in. He was awful. When I left I started crying. But I did decide to revamp my resume--hopefully that will help.

And, particularly when I am down, I think about my dog Beau. Beau was a black lab, golden retriever mix. He looked like a black golden retriever with a lab head. He died June 10 2005. I have not recovered from his loss and I don't expect that I ever will. This dog was the love of my life. Never have I loved anything or anyone so deeply and so much--and it was mutual. I thought his dying would be the hard part. No it is living without him that is the hell. I miss him. I miss him every day of my life. Except for a handful of days in the last 2 years I have cried for my Beau.

I have heard of those who believe that animals often reincarnate to their owners. I hope that is true with Beau. One of the things that I hate the most is the thought of living for 30 years or more without him. Longing for him as the decades slowly march on.