Mixed up no good jumbled up mess.

By Lazy Bunny Wednesday, January 28, 2009

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I was diagnosed with depression by a back mountain doctor while going to college in North Carolina. I didn't trust the counceler at my school because she leaked information about another student so I became a study subject for a grad student. It wasn't so bad. The back mountain doctor put me on 10mg Lexipro. I really couldn't tell a difference but the grad student could. Anywho, after that semester I just stopped taking the meds.

I haven't had a steady job ever. The longest job I ever held was the four and a half years in the school's costume shop (and that is because they wouldn't let me change my work study). I was 18 credits shy of graduating when I flunked out my last semester.

I consider myself to be a writer and when the mood strikes me I can weave a good yarn but most of the time I am in a funk.

In June 2007 I married the love of my life. He is bi-polar and mixed with my depression, well lets just say sometimes we are volitile. He has to be on meds. It seems they just throw meds at him and if it doesn't work they change it up. Fine for them but I am the one who has to live with the man good meds or bad. I threatened to leave recently and he begged me for two hours not to go. He said that he was seeing the doc and getting new meds and to just hold out one more day. I am just tired. The cycle of his moods drives me insane and makes the depression unbareable.

On top of all of this I have abdominal pain. The GI doc doesn't know what it is but is more than happy to give me medication for my unknown illment. It seems there is always something wrong internally with me. Not too long ago I had my gallbladder removed. The doctors thought I was just pain med seeking when I went to the hospital. I wish I could just take the gallbladder and shove it in their faces for being the pompous beings they are.

I called some doctor's offices today. I figured I would try the depression meds again. I mean, what is one more pill going to hurt, right? Hardly anyone is taking new patients and virtually no one is accepting my insurance. It seems that when I didn't want help it was in abundance and now that I do I have to be put on a waiting list.

The feeling of "what do I do now" comes over me twenty times a day. I wish I could answer it.

My husband says...

Comments (3) | Add comment

tp50

1/28/09 3:21pm

Sorry to hear your problems but (I know it's a lie) but if you tell them it's an emergency maybe they can get you in and get you on medication. Just a thought. Oh yes, try to make it with your husband he doesn't want to be sick no more then you do. Help each other that is what marriage is about. Sickness and Health.

May God Bless you Both.

tp50

Marlene227

1/29/09 3:46am

You are mixed up that is for sure. I am not saying that in anegative way. It is just how I perceive it after reading your two post.

I have alot of difficulty with depression. I don't like it. Not just because of what is does to me but like Merry Me writes what it does to people around me. I sometimes get caught up in is it my depression or is it me who gives everyone their thoughts of me.

How did you and your husband come to the day in your life(s) that marriage was to be the next step in your life. When I hear of your husband not taking his meds it takes me to my own times when I forget and my thoughts go crazy. My oldest daughter hasn't quite got the message that she will need to be on her meds for some time and more inportantly that she does decide what days she will or will not take her meds.

It really frightens me because there have been many people who really hurt others and or do something that society has not deemed it to be the norm. And, it basically is not remembering or wanting to take their meds and very sad for the ones who have not any type finances or support system.

Merry Me, I am glad that you chose writing. Like you said you really wanted to help other's in their pain. I will say that your writings are most helpful in calming things down and giving hope that one may get better.

I deal with chronic migraines. Have had them since a small child. So, I have been familiar with the belief system for some time.

Merry have you ever been diagnosed ADD? I have and I was shocked especially when my husband made sure I was aware of all my short comings. I really have not been able to comprehend that yet. It is very difficult I will say.

Well girls or gals, don't mean to affend, I will need to come back to this site more often.

Wishing all less complicating days.

Marlene =^!^=

Lazy Bunny

1/29/09 10:54am

It was like Robert was the only person in the world who I couldn't stand to be without. We both fell hard. To this day I can't imagine life without him. Everyone has the concept of soul mates, well, he is or is the only one that has ever come close to that concept. You see, I am a really affectionate person but here lately (the last few months) he has noticed that I am not as affectionate as I normally am. I have a hard time at veiwing myself so I trust him completely with his observation. I have also been called OCD at times for my need to clean. It seems (more so last month than now) that I look around and the house has fallen around me and that makes me more lathargic knowing the shear amount that needs to be done to get it right again. What's the phrase... "I'm just not like my old self these days."

I have been keeping a journal, that has helped tremendously the last few days.

Mixed up no good jumbled up mess.

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