Tired: A Matter of Acquiescence or Despair?

By chipur Tuesday, February 16, 2010

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"Tired." Just pause for a moment and ponder the word. Actually, it's a very deep state of mind and heart, isn't it? I mean, we all know what it's like to be tired and ready for bed after a long day. However, I'm presenting the word within the context of being emotionally, mentally, and physically overwhelmed and without direction.

Have you been there?

So often a client has repeated the words, "I'm just so tired," in the midst of a visceral cry. And just as frequently a torrential cry begins when I suggest in an empathic tone, "You're tired, aren't you." In fact, knowing the power of the word, I've used it to generate a cathartic cry when I sensed a client was ready to let go.

This concept of "tired" is nothing new, going back centuries. Now, I'm not a Christian, but these words from Jesus Christ out of the book of Matthew have always moved me. And I'm sure it's because I've been more than sufficiently tired to deeply feel their comfort.

Come to Me, all who are weak and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.

I want to share something very personal. I assessed a patient on the intensive care unit several weeks ago. She was admitted the day before through the E.R. after a suicide attempt; which left her unresponsive, intubated, and all too close to death. Here's a portion of the letter she left at the scene.

I just have one question. Why is life so hard? Why must we hurt so much? If I should leave this world today it wouldn't be too fast or soon enough. I'm tired of all the pain I cause others, and all that is thrown my way. I'm just tired of trying to please others. My life has been nothing but heartache, sacrifice for others, and then getting slapped in the face. I won't miss any of that crap and I'll no longer have to ask anyone for anything. In other words I'll want no more, I'll hurt no more, I'll cry no more! Doesn't that sound like the vacation of a lifetime? Really though, I'm just fed up, tired and I just want relief. That's all I'm asking for; the pain, hurt, suffering to stop; go away or end. Hell even a dog gets tired as well as anything or anyone. I'm stressed daily, yeah I'm a strong woman, yet still I'm human.

Let me ask you a question. Do you get a lump in your throat when you consider the word "tired?" What if someone close to you took your hand and observed in a gentle tone, "You're just so tired, aren't you?" Would you open up like a rain cloud?

Hmmm. Tired. The gateway to a healthy acquiescence or the depths of despair.

How is it with your life?

Stop by and see us at chipur.

Comments (12) | Add comment

Donna-1

2/16/10 9:55pm

Thought-provoking post. I am tired of taking care of my mother right now. I am in the middle of becoming her parent, and she is in the middle of becoming my child. But neither of us are comfortable with the fact our roles are changing. And our lives are changing to accommodate these roles. The fact that I really do love her does not mean I love helping her get dressed, fixing tea just the way she likes it, watching the same old episodes of Matlock on TV. I am physically, mentally and emotionally worn out. And tired. And tired of being tired. The sad thing is, it appears this is probably the first of many crises to come. And I am the primary caregiver. I hear from others my age (early 50's) that this is just the way it goes. We too shall have our turn at being childlike and needing care. I understand that is the way life is. But understanding does not take the bone-deep tiredness away. I sleep but I do not rest. I take my meds but I grow depressed. I see a therapist and she says I should put Mother in a nursing home; that does not ring true to me. Those I expected to help are staying further away than usual.

It is almost 9pm and I'm tired. Time to go to bed. My sister is relieving me tonight, but I am going back tomorrow. One night of sleep in my own nest does not relieve the hurting in my spirit. If I drank, I would get drunk. I went on an eating binge yesterday and that didn't help. Does my being here in my apartment alone ease the sense of loss or make me feel better? No. I am not quite tired of life, but I am weary nonetheless.

What do you suggest? A good cry? My emotions are on hold.

Donna

chipur

2/16/10 11:15pm

Hi Donna...

What an incredibly expressive comment. You know, I wanted to at least acknowledge your chiming in; and given the emotional energy it took for you to share I want to make sure I answer your ending questions adequately. So guess what? My eyes won't stay open any longer. That said, I'll write first thing in the morning. Promise!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bill

chipur

2/17/10 9:26am

Hi Donna...

As promised, I wanted to get back in touch re your comments from last night. I don't have any easy answers for you. I can't imagine what you must be going through day after day. And I'm not going to be so insensitive or naive to say something silly like, "Well, smile a little more it'll get better." I did a few Google searches on "caregiver stress" and found plenty of results. For example, you may want to check out caregiverstress.com. And there are many more. My personal contact info is available on my profile. Don't hesitate to drop me a line...

Bill

LyraStorm

2/17/10 12:51am

I'm feeling very tired right now. I feel I took on too much. I had a breakdown a little over three years ago now. I haven't been doing much of anything really constructive/obvious to others in my life during that time, just learning techniques to deal with depression and building myself up again... Now I'm doing an acting course (which although it is part-time takes a long time to get to and from so feels like long days and it can be confronting cause the technique they teach is about being true to your own feelings in order to act, not pretending so I have to take down some of my walls), my friend had her wedding and I was a bridesmaid (which included a hen's night, an evening with her family the weekend before the wedding, dress fittings, etc as well as the big day itself), fitting in catching up with another friend of mine, helping my younger brother out by going to a play he needs to write about for a school project... lots of stuff and it might not seem like much to 'normal' people but I am SO tired and want to give up...

So yeah I get tired. My sleep isn't brilliant but that is definitely not the tired I mean. I just want it all to end... or at least to step back into that world where I did 'nothing' (as seen by others anyway). No expectations, no pressure, no responsibilities... I was coping. Now I'm so, SO tired and I want it all to end. Too much. Too tired. I certainly understand your post - rang very true to me (including the suicide letter - I got that too, despite the selfishness which I also understand)

chipur

2/17/10 9:37am

Hi Lyra...

Thanks for your comments. I took a few hits, shall we say, with my suicide comment. I guess the one thing I neglected to do was indicate my use of the word "selfish" wasn't meant within the context of passing judgment. I in no way dismiss the beyond belief desperation and pain that induces such thoughts and action. Indeed, I see it and deal with it every work day. I was resonding to the prevous commenter's observation that the word "I" was used frequently by the writer of the suicide letter. And, yes, I shared portions of a very private letter (anonymously, by the way) in the forum; however, it was a risk I weighed and decided to move forward with.

Thanks again for your comment, and feel free to drop me a line anytime.

Bill

Donna-1

2/17/10 10:36am

Lyra, your comment, "I just want it all to end... or at least to step back into that world where I did 'nothing' (as seen by others anyway). No expectations, no pressure, no responsibilities... I was coping." That's what I want, too. To take a big step back to where I was a few months ago. Before I decided to help my mother teach, before my mom fell and broke her hip, before I became her primary caregiver. Back to my own apartment and the quiet days of gazing out the glass doors to my patio. Doing only what I chose to do every day. Staying up late or going to bed at 7pm. Getting up at 5am or 8am. Taking naps every day. Whatever my body wanted and/or needed to do. I want the lack of responsibility. I want the lack of a schedule. And of course, I would like to get rid of the stress and pressure to perform. And it's not selfish -- it is taking care of myself.

Several times, I went to the psych ward at the hospital just so I wouldn't have to make any decisions for a week or two. Of course, I didn't tell THEM that. I didn't even let myself in on the secret till years later. But I know now how much stress is too much. And right now I am overloaded. And it appears it will be that way until the end of April. Can I last that long?

Donna

LyraStorm

2/18/10 12:23am

Hi Donna,

Personally I'd find it very hard to 'last' until the end of April if I was thinking about all of that. It sounds cliche but I try very hard to take each day as it comes otherwise I get overwhelmed - it's nice to look for that light at the end of the tunnel but if we focus on it too much it just seems impossibly far away and we want to just throw ourselves down and give up... I keep saying we, I mean I - that's how I feel, how presumptious of me to think you'd feel the same. My apologies.

Anyway I just wanted you to know that I think you're doing really well. Especially since I poked my head out of my 'safe place' feeling like I wasn't doing enough for my own sake and you've taken on more to be supportive to your mother - mine were selfish reasons so I have no one to blame but me, in your case you were completely self-less. I hope you give yourself due credit for that.

Please do hang in there and try to take things each little bit at a time and find those moments were you can still look after yourself despite how much is going on. I'm thinking of you

Donna-1

2/18/10 6:35am

I will have some time off from 10am this morning until 3pm tomorrow afternoon -- my aunt is coming over to be with Mom. They always have a good time together.

And what I am doing isn't really "totally selfless" but a part of it is wanting my mother's approval and love. I feel guilty if I am not offering her at least 95% of my time and energy while she is recuperating. It would be really good if she were to find someone else to assist in teaching for the next 2 months, but I know that won't happen as long as I keep showing up. She let me stay with her for years while I was recovering from major depression and schizophrenia, so in a sense, it is "my turn" to help her. Fortunately, my brother finally went to see her last night for a couple of hours (after I asked him to do so.) I guess I should leave him alone and leave things to his own conscience. But it is not fair for my sister and me to bear all the burden while he and his wife vacation and fill up their social calendar so that no time is left to see Mom.

Oh well, I am writing a book here. Didn't mean to. It just helps to talk about it. I'm thinking about writing a sharepost that expresses hope and gratitude for recovery and the things I do to feel better...instead of harping on what is going wrong right now.

Donna

Tired: A Matter of Acquiescence or Despair?

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