My daughter has no friends

5/10/08 1:15pm

i am 14 and i can relate very well to your daughters story even thou she is much older than me. i have awful time making friends who stay friends. i try, i am nice evreyone says i am one of the sweetest girls they know but my friends just dont stay freinds. they start to ingore me or spred nasty rumors that arent true. i hurt for your daughter because i know what this is like. when i was in 3rd grade my best friend turned her back on me and told evreyone that if they talked to me they would be in trouble. and in 6th grade i had one singature in my year book (from my teacher). after being hurt so much i am afraid to be close to aneyone. and if i get to close to pull away. this is awful and i know what it is like. i too am depresed and just started meds last night they may help me feel better but they wont MAKE me have friends. i undertand this but unforutetly i cant help cause i have no idea how to.... =(

rlritt

5/11/08 3:10pm

Marta,

I think that it's great that you love drama and acting. My daughter took up music and went to a Performing Arts high school. She did make better friends there than anywhere, because a lot of artistic people have quirkiy and passsionate personalities. "Normal" people find this hard to take. I also think that part of my daughter's problem is that she was more mature than people her age. Not necessarily emotionally but her interests were more mature and so other kids didn't relate well to her.

In some ways this is still her problem. She seems to be more level-headed and sensible than other 18 year olds, so she is sometimes is at odds with her friends, and I think this makes them uncomfortable.

Basically, things get better as you get older.

Getting back to your love of drama and acting. You would be amazed at how many actors have had problems as young people. I think suffering can bring depth and understanding to a person's acting.

I have a friend that went to high school with Harrison Ford. Believe it or not, he was not popular. He was considered rather dull and quiet. It is great that you can act and enjoy it. While my daughter is talented, she hates performing. So I commend you for being able to get in from of an audience.

My advice would be to put a lot of energy into your acting and also do research into the lives of some actors who you admire. And remember, the most popular kids in high school usually have "peaked" and don't do much after high school

And remember, your mother loves you. It may not mean much now, but I'm sure she is suffering right along with you.

meg

4/10/10 10:49pm

My daughter is 14 and has a horrible time keeping friends. I do not know why. It pains me to see her weekend after weekend alone. She is loving and sweet. She is taking art classes with older people, and they are all so kind and down to earth that at least she has that talent to comfort her. This is only a season. things will get better. I beleive that we all go through different trials and experiences in order to have empathy for others who are going through the same thing. I am just greatful, she is not rebellious, on drugs, or pregnant.

Once high school comes around, and college, things will get much better, I am sure.. You will be able to choose your life and friends.

dani

7/ 7/10 8:08am

I really understand where all of these comments are coming from, i am 15 and ive been at a privet girls school since i was 11. This was the biggest mistake my parents could have ever made. I feel so out of place because i am different to them and i havnt properly fit in because so many of the girls are complete bitches and the thought of speneding my lunch time picking on people and how they dress ect doesnt apeal to me. It was when i hit 14 that not having many friends really got me down and i tried taking my life several times. I then decided to join this youth oranisation, sea cadets, im not saying that it will change everyones life but due to the fact that i had so much in common with everyone i really enjoyed and have made some really great friends. To any of you mothers or girls who feel your child is getting depressed due to friendship trouble, the moral of my story is that it is so much easier to be friends with people who you share common interests with so go join guiding, scouts or cadets, or even an art class, if your into reading see if your library has a book club the right people for all of us are out there, youve just got to find them.

rlritt

7/ 7/10 8:38am

Hi, Dani,

Thanks for your comments. I wish you the best of luck at High School. I can see you are mature and have a good attitude.

mom trying to get by

10/27/10 11:15pm

Thank you for your kind and encouraging words tonight. That was all I needed after I put my 13 year old daughter to bed tonight after her sobbing into my shoulder. God Bles...N.

brebre123

2/11/11 9:26pm

i used to have 1 great bestfriend but i said i didnt want to be her freind anymore, because she isnt fair and that makes me feel upset but if i am not her friend i have nobody to talk to in school!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it makes me wanna cry. But i dont want to force myself to be her friend just because i have nobody else.

Tracita

2/22/11 11:22am

My daughter is the same way. She is 17. She has had the same bff for the last 2.5 years. They were inseperable. Apparently, her friend, L.B. is very dominating. Doesn't allow my daughter the time to spend with anyone else without giving attititude and starting fights. Then to top it off, L.B. (the friend) comes out that she is bi-sexual. SHe wants my daughter to entertain the notion. My daughter considers it but doesn't do it. But it then caused more friction as L.B. makes it an "all or nothing deal". Basically she gives my daughter guilt trips and tells her that if she really cared then she would. So they split and distanced each other. Now my daughter is miserable and depressed. She had wrapped herself with this one girl for so long that now all the other relationships she had before L.B. are still there, but nothing like her friendship with L.B.

My daughter is totally lost. I have had the counselor call because friends including L.B. have seen posts from texts saying that she doesn't have anyone and wants to end it all. Apparently they both have helped each other stay "sane" through the years and deal with all the teen intricacies of life. Now my daughter doesn't have that and all she does is sob, cry and try to hold on to this friendship that has done so much harm. She doesn't know how to start over. I tried talking to L.B.'s mom and that was a disaster! She is in such denial and blames my daughter for everything. So as it turns out, she and I are no longer friends. That I am completely fine with. The girls are on the same soccer team and L.B. has the kids avoiding my daughter and is causing the team to suffer. Even the coach has been lecturing them about their attitudes. My daughter goes to school with 4,000 students and hundreds and hundreds of them since Kindergarten. She has almost 1000 facebook friends and acquaintances and is a lovable person. She won't allow us to help her. She doesn't see the forest through the trees. We try to tell her everyday that she is loved and this is temporaory and not to worry about finding and sharpening friends right now. That she really needs to focus on herself and heal right now so she can offer a better person to the next person that comes into her life. Maybe she will not fall into the same dependency she did with L.B. But all I can do is go through this with her. Not eating, not sleeping, considering all options to home school her or move her to another school her senior year. We are trying to get her to a psychiatrist but she insists that she doesn't need anyone else other than a school counselor/teacher and us to talk to. No stranger will help, she says. I just don't get it though... All to avoid this one person in her life that once meant so much to her. She has gotten better at talking to me about it. Accepting hugs and advice. But I feel so lost trying to help her. I have also experienced deep seated heartache as a teen. The love of my life moved away after dating for two years. It killed me. I grieved for several months and I remember not being able to talk to anyone. not my mom or my sisters...no one. I talked to a couple of friends but the grief was insurmountable and beyond comprehension. in my mind, my life came to an end. After I isolated myself and healed....things were better. As it turned out he moved back a year later and at that point I healed so much that I couldn't bring myself to take him back. I was stuck in a wheel of control and mental abuse. I figured I was worth NOTHING when he left. Afterwhich I found out that I was weak and after I repaired myself, I was able to see that I was stuck in his cycle. I never went back.

In short honey....all of us, in one way or another have dealt with this directly or indirectly. Sometimes we deal with it generation after generation. I'm sure I will touch up on this subject again with my grandchild one day as well. Your parents, they have lived it. They do understand. Teen relationships are so important. But they are slightly overemphasized as well. Your heartbreak is fresh, as is my ddaughter's. It doesn't make it "not real" because it is happening to you and noone else understands. Contrary to the belief. I believe WE have ALL been there.

Beth

2/ 3/12 11:10pm

Can you be my daughters friend. She has no friends and very sad as well.

Beth

2/ 3/12 11:12pm

Can your daughter be friend with my daughter?

Daniela

4/20/12 3:21pm

I am very sorry to hear about this situation with your daughter (and son). I know it is heartbreaking and you just want the pain to stop but it seems like it never will.

I can relate as I'm a person who has always had issues making and keeping friends. I have trichotillomania (pull my eyelashes/brows) so obviously I have some issues going on...but on top of that I tend to be volatile at times. I can flip out at things (and no one would ever dream I'd behave like this as I'm normally so nice and sweet). That hasn't always caused the loss of friendships, but after years and years of trying to figure out why I have these patterns in friendships, I figured out a big part of the problem -it was the way I was acting.

Also, I never felt good about myself and people can see that from a mile away. I think for now the best thing to do is to really work on your children and their self esteem and to encourage them to try new activities (and jobs). I turned out just fine with career things and the rest of my life turned out as well. However, I still suffer from problems with friendships at 41...I never received the help I needed. Your daughter is definitely experiencing something if you already have her in therapy and she is on meds. I think I would really explore with her how she acts around her friends (it sounds like she worked on cutting back on complaining, etc. -which indicated to me that she was doing too much of that)...the key is to figure out what is causing this to happen again and again...(((hugs)))

Andy

8/ 3/12 10:29pm

Hi, I am reading your post many years after you placed it and want you to know I have been there. Just remember that for every night there is a morning. Remember and read the Bible and see that Jesus uses the great people who were the ones that weren't expected in foolish men's eyes to do anything great all.

He wants the ones you never thought were supposed to do anything. He was always hiding you as a special secret not to be corrupted or ruined by the world. The least will be the greatest in the Kingdom of God. He is with you always holding your hand so, remember he wants to shine his love through you to other people no matter how they may treat you or think of you so, they are given a fair chance and can come to the understand of true love and compassion towards their fellow man. There will never be accounting for the fools who were raised by fools (their parents) referring to the young men and women during the High School years who were not shown how to give compassion and love to their brothers and sisters gladly but, their worthless vanity chased status and appearence and obsessed constantly with the thought of what people think about them to this day. Those will never find peace. Pray for them that they might find peace as you will if you choose him. He always accepts and never rejects and whispers he loves you to your soul no matter what Satan may try to throw your way using willing people who have no regard for their fellow brothers and sisters. Stay positive and if you are having a hard day look up to the sky and see Jesus the one who died for you and me so, that we may live and spend eternity in paradise with him. Pray before your day starts and everyday will be a good day no matter what may come or go.

sara

9/ 9/12 2:50pm

could you please tell me how old is your daughter ? I have 15yrs teen daughter she is also lonely with no friend to hang up, really break my heart so much :(

PLEASE REPLAY ME.

sara

9/ 9/12 2:52pm

could you please tell me how old is your daughter ? I have 15yrs teen daughter she is also lonely with no friend to hang up, really break my heart so much :(

PLEASE REPLAY ME> THANKS

sara

9/ 9/12 2:55pm

could you please tell me how old is your daughter ? where do you live ? I have 15yrs teen daughter she is also lonely with no friend to hang up, really break my heart so much :(

PLEASE REPLAY ME> THANKS

Stacy

11/30/12 1:19pm

My daughter is 13 and has no siblings or friends either. Where do you live? My daughter has a rotten attitude at home, but around authoritative figures, she's acts fine. My daughter is afraid to answer the phone unless it is 1 friend that she has. If it is grandparents or anything, she won't answer. I just discovered last night that she is afraid to order her own food at a fast food restaurant. I had to fix her chicken nuggets last night to take on a field trip. She's scared to order her own food. What is going on with her. She screams at us all the time. She says we aren't her real parents, that she was adopted. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown myself. I feel like a failure in life.

Joyce Richter

5/20/08 11:56am

I do understand what you are going through. My son has the same problems and he has since high school, part of the reason was we moved and his father left us both in 1999. Although my son denies his feelings for his father, I know he misses him greatly. He says he can't bond with other males because of this. I have made him go to therapy, but he really doesn't want to go, so it doesn't last long. He was on paxil and has since been switched to cymbalta. I am hoping this will help. He is in an excelled program for animation in a art institute and has a girlfriend. He still finds it hard to make friends easily. I don't have any answers at this point, I just wanted to share with you, sometimes it makes us feel better if we know we are not alone. Depression runs in my family as my dad suffered with it as well as me and now my son. It seems like a curse, but sometimes the best thing we can do is to surrender to our condition and forgive ourselves for what ever it is that makes us feel inadequte to begin with. In doing this our attitude changes and karma is restored and we are open to new friends and the vibrations we send out into the world are good ones not bad ones, in doing so it makes other people want to be around us more. If this helps than I am happy, hang in there and keep trying, what ever works for you is best. Take care.

Anonymous

5/23/08 2:09pm

I can relate because my 16 year old daughter has absolutely no friends. She was bullied and picked on from kindergarten until high school by every child in her class and in the school. Nobody ever wanted to be her friend. It got so hard for her I finally had to pull her out of public school and homeschool her. The only problem with that is she is even lonelier because she's in the house everyday with no friends to talk to.

Its so hard to watch her suffer. I wish your daughter and my daughter could talk and become friends. If you need someone to talk to for support, email me at monicawest@comcast.net.

This is not a joke, and I'm not some crazy person.

On my life, I know what you're going through.

rlritt

5/23/08 9:58pm

Thanks. I really appreciate your response. It is very hard to watch a child suffer. My daughter has started therapy. She went before when she was in junior high and didn't like it. When she was older she went back but didn't get a lot out of it.

Recently I found a woman who she had gone to before. She is a social worker and went to the same high school as my daughter. Melissa didn't like her at all when she was in jr. high, but now she has seen her twice and feels like she can get some guidance.

The problem with a couple of the therapists she went to, is that they listen but do not give any advice or guidance. So she never knows what she needs to do.

If it's any help, if possible you might try a private school. She may meet people who didn't know her when she was younger. Sometimes, whe a child becomes the "outcast" people always see her like that. I was unpopular in 7th and 8th grade, but I went to a high school where I didn't know anyone, and was able to start fresh.

My daughter graduated high school last night. Two weeks ago she started to take anti-depressants. I've noticed a slight difference. She seemed pretty happy last night.

You might try to find a good Psychiatrist to see if antidepressants help.

my son also has social problems. He doesn't seem to mind. He is also seeing a really good therapist. He is helping him with his motivation problems, but in terms of his issue with friends he says he is happy so he isn't too worried.

Sharon

2/ 4/09 2:09am

Monica - So sorry to hear about what was done to your daughter. That must have been tough watching her suffer. School is a battlefield, no matter who you are.

How is your daughter now? My daughter is 16 also, we kept her back a grade because she just wasn't advancing socially or academically on par with the other kids. We relocated and enrolled her in a bright shiny new school, and thought the extra year would help, but she had the same difficulty all over again. Left out, picked on for being "short", never invited to birthday parties, then she got anxious and started mirroring the non-academic girls by wearing eye makeup and trying to dress "cool".

Her attempts to fit in were obvious and she just looked out of focus and uncomfortable and I finally had it with this insecurity thing and told her about life, for real. Not a made up lala "you're beautiful on the inside and one day you'll be a princess" sort of talk, but a real 'this is what it is' plain talk.

I told her we're all given a certain amount of "cool" in our lives. Don't spend your cool in school, when it's gone it's gone, save it for when you can actually enjoy it. For now, be a nerd, climb trees, watch baby movies, do what you like, if you make a friend great, if not who cares, you can hang with me. You'll never remember the kids you went to school with anyhow, and if you came back in 40 years they'd still be here walking the same streets married to each other and wondering where their lives went.

Some people aren't going to get you, some people will. Most people will disappoint you, and everyone lies. All kids in school are petrified of being discovered as secret nerds or losers- it's dumb. And by the way, the girls that don't have fathers are dressing to get attention from men. You have a dad, now take off the eyeliner and get your hair out of your eyes and pull your pants up and your shirt down.

Surprisingly, she responded to this pretty well. Granted, this may not be a good tactic for every daughter, but it worked gangbusters for us.

Anonymous

10/13/09 6:14pm

im 16 am homeschooled. .. ive had some friend problems but im not gonna lie.. not that badly. i moved across the country and am now homeschooled to. for me it was being the new kid at school that was the problem because not that many people were nice to me. once again im homeschooled and i reccomend that your daughter use online sites or something... we also have a foreign exchange student from Germany because its just me and my mom and OMG it helps me cope so much. I advise that your daughter picks up a hobby and stick to it. or if its winter try to get her to go skiing every few days or something. I dont go skiing 2much cuz of my permit but it helps and its wayy fun :D

worriedmum

3/23/10 3:40am

Hi i have read all of your comments and this is the first time i have come across other people who are all experiencing the same thing. My daughter is only 13 and has been bullied since year 5. It got so bad and upsetting to see her go through this that i took her out of school and is now home educated. This has helped tremendously with her education but not with her social life. She finds it hard to talk to other children because she says that they all seem to be the same. She is a sensitive girl and she has been told by a counceller that because she is not loud or doesnt stand up to people that its her fault she became a victim of the bullies. I thought that this comment was disgusting and later found out that this so called councellor hadnt a clue about how my daughter felt and told her that she was never bullied as a child so she doesnt know how it feels. . I have also tried to find youth groups for her but there is nothing . She is getting more isolated and depressed by the day and i am struggling to help her. If anyone knows of any youth groups for teens in the lincolnshire area then please could you post any details. Thankyou .

Ihave a group running on facebook called educate the bullies/dont punish the victims. i would be very gratefull for new members or any advice you post.

Pammy

3/24/10 12:13pm

Found this thread by accident...but so glad I did.

Sharon...wow, well said - I loved what you wrote and I am going to say that to my daughter this very day. Many, many thanks!!

concerned

2/ 3/11 4:26pm

Hi I have a 15 year old son, who has literally no friends at school, he talks to a few girls, once in a while but not daily. He is very smart and nice. He has said that sometimes when he talks to people at school they just look at him and walk away, I find this hard to believe, but on the other hand why would he lie. I tried to get him to go to therapy but he will not go, so I am not going to force him. Tried talking him into joining clubs at school and he did, and he stopped, did not like them. Do you have any advice. And I wish the best for your daughter.

Kateoff

9/29/11 12:13pm

I am going to do this, Ive tried everything else. Everything you say is true, every single word.

My daughter is possibly young for her age, but it also seems that the others are too grown up. In the UK seconday school is 5 years long,and my daughter has got through three and a half terms (i've been having a private countdown) but from now on we're going to get things straight - chances are a socially awkward girl isn't suddenly going to become cool and popular so she needs to get her head down, work hard and get herself a good career. No more worrying that she can't apply makeup properly. She still twelve for goodness sake.

Thank you, all of you. It helps to know we're not alone.

Aussieduckieeeee

6/13/08 11:27pm

Hey!!

I'm a 15 year old girl from Australia....your daughter seems a little bit like me (except the pretty part, haha) When I was in PREP, i'm not sure if we use the same grades, but a bit like grade 2, i think, one of my teachers told my mother in a parent teacher meeting that i was stupid and would never achieve anything in life. I didn't have many friends. I dont remember how i felt about it. Once I came home crying because a boy had called me a smartie pants and I didnt know what it meant...lol. In grade 3 (3 years later), i made a really great friend called Bec, and she was pretty awesome. She got me talking to some of her other friends, and we did heaps together. She bred guineapigs...so i got a few guineapigs lol and now i still have some. I got her into horses- i loved horses but didn't have one of my own. Now she owns 5 horses and rides in the State games team!! In grade 5 we sided together in a verbal fight with 2 nasty girls named Dory and Jess. Once Jess tried to strangle me (just so you know, i look back on all of this and laugh now...you'll see why...) and the fight went on for 2 years. Bec and I started hanging out with the "cool" kids who played basketball every recess and lunch. Soon I grew tired of it and went off, while Bec stayed and played. I found some new friends, and surprisingly, guess who they were?! Jess and a girl named Bianca. We hung around for a few months and one day we saw the cool kids bullying Dory. Bianca and Jess wanted to walk away but I went up and told her she could come and play with us. So she did!! By this time, it was grade 6. We hung out for that year and did heaps of stuff together and we supported each other when we were sad...then Bianca went to a different high school. Dory, Jess, and I went to the same high school. Dory, Jess, and I are still best friends (we picked up a few other along the way as well) We stayed in contact with Bianca for 2 years but then lost it. She's now a prefect and won an essay competition and is going on a trip to 3 countries!! Oh, as for Bek, she has some great friends, and we all hang out sometimes after school at the bus. I'm really thankful for all my friends. There are some people at my school who don't have many friends....i try to be nice to them. Like Michael...he likes me i think....lol....i cant say i feel the same way but i do try to say hello all the time and he seems really happy when i'm friendly towards him.

I think I have the friends I do because of my confidence- and because I found the right crowd. I recon it's quite different over here in Australia, though (i'm presuming you're American...) and in grade 10 everyone really gets over themselves. It's so rewarding, everyone is friends and always talks to each other and it's really nice. We also have awesome teachers, who are really understanding and supportive (except the one who gave us this essay...RRR) and I guess just being myself...another thing that helps is when suddenly something SHINES!! It sounds corny, but this year i've found a talent for singing...apparently i'm really good, and some people from the "cool bands" talk to me and congratulate me. I started playing guitar this year (like your daughter) and i guess that's helped...

Maybe your daughter is afraid to be different. I'm REALLY different and people like me for it!! I'm definitely not perfect, though. Far from it.

I also have friends that I haven't met. Has your daughter tried internet friendships?? I joined a site: www.interpals.net last year just because i like to talk to people and make friends. I have made heaps of awesome friends, a lot of them that were idiots but it was worth facing them to meet some of the awesome friends i have. There is, of course, the issue of stalking and stuff, but i know the responsibility and not to give out personal details and stuff, and it's actually awesome.

Hmm well this comment was practically useless...lol...oh well.

If you want any specific advice, please email me on Aussieduckie@gmail.com I MIGHT be able to help!!

All the best,

Kimberly xD

rlritt

6/14/08 10:19pm

Hi AussieDuckie,

Thank you so much for your advice. We are American and maybe it is a little easier there for young people to make friends. My daughter never really had any friends in grammar schools every year she had fewer and fewer friends.

In high school she had friends for awhile and then they stopped talking to her. She has a few friends that she has had for a couple of years, but she still has problems.

She has started taking antidepressants and this has helped her alot.

Thanks again.

Aussieduckieeeeee

6/14/08 10:40pm

Yeah it seems like it. (the America-Australia contrast)

You know, she'll probably leave home and have an awesome proffession and marry a great guy and be really successfull!! You see that a lot!!

I think it would be really interesting to study the way people of different countries make friends...I have to do a project of my choice soon....Hmmmm I could choose that I recon that would be interesting!!

Thank you for your reply, again, all the best, and i'll pray for your daughter =)

Kimberly .x.

Michelle

6/23/08 5:47am

My daughter is almost 17 and while she says she has friends in school and they text and communicate on myspace, she pretty much is always home. She does have a boyfriend and he seems nice enough, but they never go out.

I have dealt with depression in my life and I think she is depressed, but she wont' go to therapy (I tried through the school and she refused to sign the papers).

I go to therapy. I try to be strong and be there for her, but sometimes it's hard. I feel frustrated and upset sometimes. Sometimes she is just so "mean" but I know it's her pain (we had to leave her father when she was 9)...so I know her wounds, yet I have no idea how to help her heal except just be there for her and try to not let my issues get in the way.

I feel for all of you in pain...it's really tough...there really is no greater pain than seeing our children hurting!!

Anonymous

6/26/08 6:15pm

Michelle,

That sounds exactly like my daughter who just turned 16. She says that she has friends, but no one ever calls the house, or invites her to go hang out and all she ever does is goof around on the computer. She seems to have no confidence in herself whatsoever and when I finally approached her about why she did not try harder to get a summer job, I found out that she was scared.

I feel so discouraged because I want her to be happy and confident and I feel guilty because I think I'm to blame (I'm a single Mom).

I try to talk to her and actually have a conversation, but she just clams up and won't ever say anything. It is really difficult to try and get to the heart of the problem, when she won't talk to me.

I've suggested seeing a counselor and she is adament that she doesn't "need help". All of this just started when she went into high school; prior to that she was outdoing and got involved in school activities, etc. I really wish she'd go talk with someone - I'm very worried about her!

Jo

6/30/08 3:59am

Hi there - my daughter is 14 and she sounds a lot like your two daughters. I've been anguished about this for weeks. I had problems in the past with making friends and still do to some extent. It really worries me that she seems to not have any best friends. She plays select soccer and seems to have no problems at practices and games with socializing but now that summer is here nobody really calls her or comes over to hang out. She complains to us that since she has to babysit her younger brother and sister, doesn't have a chance to "hang out" with friends but I told her to let me know if there's something in particular she wants to do with friends and we will work something out. She complains all the time about anything and everything. It really drives me crazy. She says that she prefers her boy friends (not romantic) to her girl friends because girls can be catty but I really don't want her to hang out with a bunch of boys. She spends most of her days while we are at work on the computer or watching tv. At least in the evenings she has soccer practice every other day. I can't help but compare her to what her other team mates are doing this summer. I feel so bad for her but she really hasn't said anything to me about not having any close friends. I feel racked with guilt because I worry that my problems with depression has affected her.

Samantha

10/13/09 6:21pm

its not about wounds its about being able to trust. my mom did the same to me but we moved across the country so it sucks even more. you should just give her distance or go out and do stuff like corn maze skiing get a foreign exchange student idk. thats what we did! Rofl. anyway you're both in two totally different mind sets probably because i totally know me and my mom are. good luck.

i was really depreseed when i first moved out here and have made really close friends only to find out how untrustworthy they are. but i dont let it get to me and neither should she if she realizes whats really going on. if ur daughter depends on everyone else liking her thats basically whats dragging her down because i dont do that and i never will; i know a lot of teen girls are like that :)

i hope that helps sorry if im offensive in anyway im just trying to help!! <3

jsb79

11/10/09 9:17pm

Its sounds like to me that you don't need to worry as much. Your daughter seems to have friends and people to support her. She needs to thankful for the friends she has become some people have no friends. I wish her the best.

Pammy

3/24/10 12:54pm

Try 'writing' to your daughter. My 16 yr old has this cute 'mailbox' she got with candy in it when she was little. Now we use that mailbox to communicate. Whenever I put a letter in it, I 'raise the flag' on the side and she knows she has mail.

After she reads it she either writes back or comes to talk to me. I try not to push...sometimes I just leave little love notes or funny stories or I address things from the previous day. I also let her know if she has been hurtful so she knows that what she does affects others too.

This has worked great for us for many years now and it gives her the opportunity to read, digest and then decide what she wants to say and when. She doesn't feel pigeonholed or pushed and that, I think, has helped her to open up more.

Hope this helps.

SAME HERE

11/22/11 1:15pm

Hello all - I cry just reading everyone's stories. My daughter is 15, she is conventionally pretty, naturally intelligent and yet has very low self esteem, sees herself as "ugly" and "stupid" and I DO NOT KNOW WHY. I have 3 children, her (older) brother and sister both have good confidence levels and have a number of friends. My 15 year old daughter has the same problem as others here with making friends - or more acurately, not making friends. She tells me that she is not being bullied (although I am suspicious that is not true) - she is not willing to talk about it beyond that -- is very defensive when I try to discuss it or offer her advise. She has just started therapy - forced on her because she threatened to hurt herself in school and was reported --- although she denies this, claiming she has no idea what she said that was construed as intent to do self-harm. The therapist is very much a specialist in this field, but I

see little improvement after 3 sessions. I am very very sad for my daughter and am hoping to find any way whatsoever that I can help her.

ira

12/29/11 12:13am

I will like to start a meeting area for all this girls and boys who doesn't have no friends. I'm in the same situation like anybody else. I have a 15 year old daughter very beautiful and tall who plays softball and volleyball that doesn't have no friends. Today is December 28, 2011 she is home in vacation and she has not gone out at all. I live in California Orange county please respond to me by posting I will give more information about my self and my daughter.

I think meeting at Starbucks for the first time will be a great opportunity for all of these girls and Boys it is so sad and it brakes my heart.

Please respond

Beth

2/ 3/12 11:22pm

Hello Ira,

I am from Oceanside I am looking for a friend for my daughter she has nobody in school and very depressed. It is sad to see my daughter sad for so long now. Maybe we can meet.

Beth

2/ 3/12 11:23pm

Hello Ira,

I am from Oceanside I am looking for a friend for my daughter she has nobody in school and very depressed. It is sad to see my daughter sad for so long now. Maybe we can meet.

Beth

ira

2/ 3/12 11:35pm

Beth can we meet in Laguna Beach lets no tell the girls anything! Let me know when.

J&J

2/12/12 4:09am

Hi Ira, we are also in south orange county and feel everyone's pain for their kids! Our daughter did the same thing over the holiday break and tonight was very distraught over friends not reaching out to her to do anything over the weekend! Maybe being that your also in O.C. our kids may have a friend connection. Our email is janette.loreto@gmail.com hope to hear from you.

J&J

2/12/12 4:20am

Hi Beth, I did see that you and Ira and your daughters might be meeting up we are in South O.C. and our daughter is 15 so maybe if you have not met up yet we could all do so at one time.

ira

2/12/12 11:54am

Ladies how can we meet?

Angela

7/ 2/08 1:37am

I can totally relate to your daugher's experience. I am 24 years old now and your daughter's history is so much like mine that it's scary. It sounds like she is a beautiful young woman with a great sensitivity for other human beings. You and her should be so proud as sometimes this is so rare. The only reason why I was pretty popular in elementary school was because my mom became friends with the mothers of my school friends to be. I was probably the most creative out of the bunch and expressive and always wanting people to get along...I didn't like any drama or fights. Highschool and Middle school were devastating for me as my friends turned their back on me and I didn't understand why...here I was always so willing to be myself, be nice and not gossip. I too joined outside clubs like Girl Guides and i've also taken up the guitar 2 years ago. My prom night made me cry...here I was dateless and clueless because the small cliquey group of friends that I had considered fun being mocking what people wore that night, and what pathetic lives they would lead in 10. Who needs that negativity???? You can remind her that her mom and dad care for her as does her brother but she'll still need outside validation to keep her chin up...as I feel too. She musn't give up her outside activities...I bet she gets along with her teachers more than her peers or vice versa because they know how mature she is for her age. She needs classy friends...and she WILL find them. I have no doubt that she will find a best friend one day. Just tell her to read books by Wayne Dyer like "The Power of Intention" it is my survival book. There are billions of girls going through the exact same thing. Even me. How do I deal with it? I am very close to my family and I use my creativity to help the world. She's only 18 now..she has SO MUCH ahead of her. Just think short term goals and baby steps...friends don't happen over night. My dad was 55 and he had no friends...but he was the most amazing man ever. I have a lot of aqquaintances but no friendship proposals..no one these days asks "Do you want to be my friend?" it would be an easier place if they did. Count her blessings though because she could be worse off. This is only temporary...and she is her best friend!!! Cheers!!!

linda

9/23/11 7:35am

Hi, I have just read you comment and would like tell you about my daughter who is now 31. She is so gifted, was extremely clever at school but never really had any friends. She quit school at 14 because of bullying. She has a beautiful voice, plays piano and her art teacher was amazed at her drawing skills and she writes poems which can make you cry and also some that make you laugh. But she is sooooo sad. She never believes in herself or her talents. She has suffered tremendously thoughout her life and is still doing so....How do I get her to believe in herself and change her life around. She is home schooling her little boy of 5 and she is doing fantastic but I think this is mainly because she doesn't want him to go through what she did. She is the most caring person I've ever known and takes on everyone else's problems. HOW DO I HELP HER!!

capri

7/22/08 7:35am

Hi, I think it's good that you are looking out for her. Because this is something I never had and never will. I understand what your daughter is going through. I am 18 and suffer from depression. I think high school is not as good as it seems, it's full of immature groups who gossip, do things to fit in etc.. The good thing is that she is out of it. And I too had friends who stabbed me behind the backs, since then I had difficulties maintaining friendship. It always comes and goes. It's weird because I quitted MySpace for the same ridiculous reasons. But she must realized, she has got a lot ahead of her. A much brighter future. Hopefully she'll find a group of friends that will like her for herself and are much maturer for their age. The high school friendship is very overrated, many people nowadays don't stick close to their friends from high school after high school. I don't think your daughter is doing anything wrong, she should keep doing what she's doing, keep being herself, I know it can be hard to find decent friends, but they are out there, I met a few along the way, but my depression has pushed me away from them and I just keep trying. Try to work over the mistakes I did. So should she. Those fake friends she made, did not deserve her. Apart from the whole facebook, myspace thing. Has she tried going on Experience Project? It is a bit like facebook, but design for people who wants to be anonymous and to share problems like her and me. I've made many friends there. I think going on there has made my life abit more positive. ^_^ Well, I hope I helped you!

rlritt

7/22/08 10:14pm

Thanks for your comments. My daughter is not seeing any of her friends from high school at all. She doesn't seem to be too unhappy. She is seeing a great counselor. She also working a few evenings a week.

I think she is looking forward to the future. She realizes that her problems with her high school friends are not just her fault.

Take care.

Jes

8/ 4/08 5:08pm

As I sit at home and read this I can't help but go back to my childhood. I'm now a very sucessful and pretty happy 27 year old woman. I went to a very small elementary school and there were only about 8 girls in my class. In 4th grade, for whatever reason all of them decided that they didn't want to be my friend any more. This was so painful for me. I hated going to school. I was a great student and carried a 4.0 all the way through high school. But I hated every minute I had to be there. Then in 7th grade I made great friends with my neighbor girl. We did everything together. That was until 10th grade when she compeletly stabbbed me in the back. I had a couple of other friends that I got to be close with, but they always seemed to fall by the way side. All the while when I was in high school my mom was in and out of my life and my dad was never very good at connecting with me. I really don't have any of the same friends I had in high school. Although I have recently reconnected with a couple of them and it feels great and those girls know me better than anyone else. All I can say is it will get easier. You just have to keep plugging along. All I know is that kids can be cruel and mean and heartless. But eventually she will find some good friends. That's not to say that I still don't have a struggle at times, because some people are friends for awhile and then fall by the way side, but it's all part of life.

Anonymous

8/31/08 2:39am

my child has the same issues and it breaks my heart as well.

Anonymous

8/31/08 11:43pm

I am 20 know......but I will share my story.

I had no friends in elementry school. In sixth grade I had to deal with a nasty divorce (it was really bad). I went on to middle school without having a mom in the household. My parents were seperated. I had no friends in middle school.I got laughed at because I was flat chested.........i didn't know how to shave my legs or arm pitts. This whole entire time I had horses and 4-H. It was Windy, my horse, who was my true best friend. You see my grandparents own a horse ranch which is where I hung out all the time. And I escaped into books also. All through out my life I had to deal with an abusive and physical stepdad. I didn't know my real dad. When I was in 8th grade I got touched inappropriatly by him. I told my mom and it went to court. They found him not guilty. My mom was living in another state so she won custody of me of course. I lost Windy though. I couldn't see her anymore or be in 4-H. I had to start middle school somewhere new. Than we switched districts and I was the new 9th grade freshman. Still had no friends. After I finished 10th grade, some inccident happened and I switched high schools. In the same district. I still couldn't make friends. I got into depression after 9th grade. It last all throughout high school. It hurt so much to know I will never have memories with friends. Late night sneak outs or anything. I had no one for prom. It hurts a lot not having any friends. But once you learn to live it with it, its hard to be friends with people.

My plans are to go into the Air Force Reserves. Go to K-State. Be on the Equestrian team and join a sorority. Then they have to put up with me or be my friend. I know I won't make friends. B/c if I couldn't at FHSU than its going to be the same. But atleast I will be involved in horses again. Honestly, if you can't make friends or don't have any OWN a pet!!!!!!!! its the best thing!

MO

10/15/08 9:03am

How are things going at this time? I hope you are seeing a change for the better in your daughter's friendship problems. I have a very similar story and can relate to your

sadness and frustration as you do not know what to do!!!!!! It is overhwelming and

continuous on a day to day basis.

I do care and I am hoping we can continue to communicate. Maybe we can trade ideas? I am grasping as you are

God Bless !

Hurting for my daughter

10/26/08 8:40pm

My daughter is in the same situation. I have tried to help since she was 5 (she's 13 now). I saddens her deeply. She says that the kids just ignore her, so I don't even think she tries anymore. Sometimes I too think that it is my and my husband's fault. I keep thinking "when is she going to come out of this"! When she was little, she really wasn't interested in other kids and she was very aggressive. So the kids stayed away from her and thought she was weird. Now, she has zero confidence even though she is a very bright, attractive young lady. I would love to start a support group for parents like us. My sister's friend's daughter is also in the same situation (though she's 3 years older than my daughter), and we thought there must be others out there as well. She believes that people are just too embarrassed to talk about it. There is nothing as heartbreaking as seeing your child's childhood slip away unhappily! I think that for the rest of my life I'll think "what could I have done differently"?

Sharon

11/29/08 2:06am

To the mother of the 13 year-old, I SO know how you're feeling. My daughter was aggressive, so the other kids just ignored her and unsympathetic teachers couldn't stand her and were quite vocal about it. When someone would adopt her as a friend, she'd ignore them and miss the play entirely, they'd eventually go away.

We all want our children to be happy...that's the measure of our success as parents, but our children can sense our discomfort with their social status and this puts more burden on them and their withdrawal can increase. Your need for your daughter to hit those social marks is coming from your own insecurities, and trickling down into her life and causing a bit of a mess...stop it, back up and let her be a weird, interesting person...she'll figure it out. She's got to go thru this to come out the other side as a stronger her.

Our daughters will never live the wonderful fairy tale life you and I may have wanted for ourselves, they can't be our kind of "perfect". Their job is to establish their ideal and aim for that. Our job is to enjoy knowing them and steer them clear of potholes. :) Best, -Sharon

pam Resetar

1/11/09 8:11pm

Thank you for your poignant response on this subject. I'm having problems dealing with my 13 year old daughter and her lack of friends. I will now focus on your advice which I believe is right on the money.

Anonymous

2/ 4/09 1:31am

Pam - Have things improved in your relationship with your daughter since you last posted? Seems we have a similar approach and I'd enjoy keeping in touch. My daughter, Sam was struck by a car when she was 2 1/2 which caused frontal lobe damage which in turn could have affected her impulse control. She was diagnosed with ADHD at 8 y/o and given meds, which had a horrible affect and we promptly stopped treatment after 2 weeks. Needless to say, it's been a rough go. She'll 17 next month, she's been in a new high school for two years and this weekend she's having her first sleep over! I'm not to exhibiting any over-excitement, just a "hey, that sounds like fun", but I'm secretly spilling over. Looking forward to hearing about your progress.

-Sharon

bex

3/19/10 4:55am

hi my daughter sounds the same. she has'nt been to school for two years now she does home school. she great, but she cant make friends she only goes out with me other wise she stays in and reads and writes story all day. she had alot of problems in middle school, what hurts the most is she wants and misses school but she scared to go.

JM

7/14/10 7:42pm

This is so on the money. You are so right. I haven't posted the problems my 16 year old daughter is having, but after reading your advice, I'm just going to follow it and back off. Thanks so much.

Jacqui

11/ 1/08 10:42am

I also feel like I am alone in this world and props to your daughter for continuing to try hard to maintain a healthy life I am 13 and know how it feels to be shunned. I too find it hard to make and keep friends, because I have A.D.H.D and sometimes find myself way to hyper and that is when all of my friends get mad and end up leaving.

Anonymous

1/31/09 7:52pm

I hope things get better for your daughter and I can really relate to her because I had problems making and keeping friends my whole life. The thing that puzzles me is I'm honestly a good person who is a great listener and I make a lot of effort in starting conversations and asking people about themselves, just like your told you're supposed to, to be a good friend.

I don't know, I think some people are destined to just not have many friends or very few friends. If I'm nice, and approchable, and intelligent and interesting, and still can't make friends for the life of me, then I can't help but think that THEY must think I'm not interesting or fun enough to be with. I doubt one person who ever spoke to me or knew me would say I was unpleasant or annoying or mean but perhaps just not interesting enough for them to want to establish a friendship. I'm not saying this is definitely the case with your daughter but I honestly don't know what else it could be for myself.

I stumbled upon this website and read it a lot, and probably will continue to as people seem to be posting their own stories often. Your daughter is not the only one in this kind of situation, unfortunately.

http://leeiwan.wordpress.com/2006/06/23/what-happens-when-we-have-no-friends/

rlritt

1/31/09 9:09pm

Thanks everyone for your comments. My daughter is now a freshman in college. She seems to be making friends. I realize now that she is grown that she doesn't take stuff from peoplee. She gets irritated with a friend if she thinks they are being silly or if she feels she has put her down. I'm surprised because I had always thought that in an effort to make friends she would do anything, but she won't she takes care of herself and if she feels that someone is not treating her right, she stops being that person's friend.

I think she still gets depressed, but she stopped going to her therapist because she felt she wasn't helping. I think that's a good thing, because she felt strong enough to make that decision.

patty

2/ 3/09 10:33am

That sounds exactly like my daughter, she isn't willing to stay friends with anyone if she thinks that they are irritating and has nop patience for smoking or partying she would rather be alone. She is 15and is a good student talks about friends at school but never a phone call, text nothing for quite a few months. She says she isn't depressed ?? I am hoping she will break out in college, not party but to have a friend is a treasure I have sisters and my bst friend from 1 st grade and I am 43 so it is hard for me to understand...

Anonymous

2/ 4/09 2:35am

Isn't this board fantastic. It's such a great sounding board, and everyone is so supportive. We're not alone. Yay!

Onto your friend issue: I have the same issues as you do; we try to attract people by being "nice" and smiling and being approachable and setting the bar a little lower for friends than we would normally. I think we've got the wrong end of the stick on this. Being nice just means you're easy, easy isn't attractive except to abusers and moochers. What are your strengths? Are you sharp tongued, witty, funny, ironic, smart? What are you interested in? Psychology, sports, academics, astrology, religion? Pick a direction in your life, break out of your comfort zone and reach for something just for you, want to lose weight? Start walking. Want to become a blond, paint your toenails blue, get a nose ring? Go for it. And don't think about what anyone will think about you.

Last year, after I lost both my parents and my brothers and sisters are estranged due to a family drama, I was depressed and anxious and biting my nails and trying to smile at the cashier and wave to the neighbors and make eye contact so someone would please adopt me and see how good I was and how much I put up with and how nice I am.

I adore the legal system and one day I mustered the courage to call the court house and offered to volunteer. I was nervous and out of practice talking to anyone, but it felt fantastic when I got off the phone. It still feels fantastic everytime I go there. I go for ME, no one else. It's empowering. Then I took an ivy league course just for ME, and was over the moon when I passed with a B+. Then applied to law school. Baby steps to finding myself, and it feels fantastic.

Trying to attract friends to save us from being alone is a bit like putting the roof on the house when there are no walls. Work on you, challenge yourself, grab life and take a big bite...the world will love your enthusiasm. And be sure to post on your progress!

rlritt

2/ 4/09 9:36am

anonymous,

If you like law, you should consider being an election judge. You get to work the voting polls and they really need people. They are always happy for volunteers. Though they do pay pretty well, also. They often say it is only retired people, but that's not true. I've worked with 17 year olds and people my age. Young and old. The one thing we all have in common is that we are interested in the political process.

Anonymous

7/ 1/09 9:35pm

I thought I was alone. I too, have no real friends, just lots of aquaintances, who seen to like me alot, it just never turns into anything more. My daughter used to have lots of friends, but sometimes she ended it, or sometimes they did. She is now losing her best friend. My husband dosent have any friends either. I dont know what is wrong with us!! we are very intellegent, and like you, try to be a very good friend. I just dont know what to do anymore. I have no family either.

DistressedMom

7/28/09 1:25pm

My husband and I are loners too. And our only child, a 13-year old girl, has problems making friends. This is her last year of middle school. I'm terrified that if she doesnt manage to make friends now, she wont have any friends in high school. So sad..makes me want to cry.

rlritt

7/29/09 8:33am

Our family is similar. We don't have a wide circle of friends. I have a couple of friends who I've known a long time, but don't see very often. I also have a couple of friends in the neighborhood.

My husband has two good friends (one is his brother) who he has known for years. Also, he doesn't see them often.

The thing I've realized is that, if I'm honest about it, I am not really a good friend. I'm toughtful and can be counted on, but I am really a loner. I like doing things by myself. I have a friend in the neighborhood who is single and for a couple of years she was over every week-end Friday evening, on Sat. she'd come over at 10:am. Sundays she come over in the afternoon and stay all evening. I got so sick of her, I started avoiding her calls and being busy a lot. Now we see each other maybe once on the week-end. My husband and son are the same. My son has a girlfriend who he has gone out with only once this summer. I asked him why he doesn't call her, and he just says he doesn't feel like it. He stays home most of the time. He and I go to movies most of the time.

So my point is, as the ancient Hindus say, practice agressive self-acceptance. Not everyone is like the people on TV.

rlritt

7/29/09 8:33am

Our family is similar. We don't have a wide circle of friends. I have a couple of friends who I've known a long time, but don't see very often. I also have a couple of friends in the neighborhood.

My husband has two good friends (one is his brother) who he has known for years. Also, he doesn't see them often.

The thing I've realized is that, if I'm honest about it, I am not really a good friend. I'm toughtful and can be counted on, but I am really a loner. I like doing things by myself. I have a friend in the neighborhood who is single and for a couple of years she was over every week-end Friday evening, on Sat. she'd come over at 10:am. Sundays she come over in the afternoon and stay all evening. I got so sick of her, I started avoiding her calls and being busy a lot. Now we see each other maybe once on the week-end. My husband and son are the same. My son has a girlfriend who he has gone out with only once this summer. I asked him why he doesn't call her, and he just says he doesn't feel like it. He stays home most of the time. He and I go to movies most of the time.

So my point is, as the ancient Hindus say, practice agressive self-acceptance. Not everyone is like the people on TV.

beejay

9/26/09 10:43pm

I feel the same way, I found this website because I googled for help, my 8year old son has ADD and he finds it hard to make friends, he made one friend last year and he clings so desperately to that child it hurts me to see it, especially when he gets brushed off, I worry about him because I don't really have that many friends. I am essentially a loner and I enjoy being by myself, the problem is my son is not like me, he is very needy and between that and the ADD it puts people off. I have tried talking to him about it but it just doesn't seem to register.

Sue

10/ 1/09 6:55pm

As I'm sitting here, reading these posts, with half a box of Kleenex balled up by my keyboard, I'm realizing that there should be a support group for the parent of children who are dealing with this issue. It is comforting to hear the stories of those who have experienced similar problems. Without going into too much detail about my 15 year old daughter's friend issues (pretty much the same story as everyone else), it has been one of the most frustrating and painful experiences for both her and I. My heart aches for her, and she does not want to hear my advise at this time. After being backstabbed, gossiped about and shunned by all of her girlfriends over the last two years, she has developed a distrust of females. Trying to put this in perspective for her has been pointless -- she believe what her experiences have taught her -- girls are mean and not to be trusted. Of course, I realize that once she has moved on to college, her experiences will be more positive. But going through this now, day to day, is a killer. I'm so glad to hear that your daughter is having a more positive experience in college. Best wishes to all.

rlirtt

10/ 3/09 9:15am

Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences. My daughter went to college last year and actually made friends with her dorm mates. Unfortunately, they all transferred. She also wanted to transfer and just went to live in Los Angeles on the advice of one of her room mates. She is registered in a community college and hopes to get into one of the UC colleges next year. She is very far and I miss her.

She has discovered that living off campus in a strange city is not like living on campus. She is lonely. She has joined several clubs and has a room mate but is not making friends easily. She is not very good friends with her room mate. I told her this is because she is reserved and that's OK. But this upset her because she doesn't want to be reserved.

I started thinking about this and remember that when she was a little girl, she wasn't at all reserved. She was very outgoing until she was about 12 years old. The reason for the change I believe, is that sadly she was constantly rejected by the girls she tried to make friends with. Sometimes, I think she tried too hard. Other girls, like a neighbor, made friends with everyone. Her mother used to tell me that she had other girls calling all the time to make play dates. No one called my daughter. By the time she hit junior high, she was shy and reticent about talking to people, fearing they woudl reject her. Now that she is grown--she'll be 20 in two months---she is a reserved young woman who longs for friendship, but still basically fears that she will drive people away if she is too outgoing. I hope she can get past this and learn to be herself. She is a wonderful girl.

Sue

10/ 3/09 10:39am

I also wonder these painful experiences will affect my daughter's female relationships in the future. Some of my most rewarding friendships has been with women. My daughter was such a free spirit, trusting and compassionate. Now she is angry, somewhat bitter and tells me that girls intimidate her. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she will be able to put this behind her in the near future.

Your daughter is still willing to put herself out there, doing things that will increase her opportunities for friendships. That seems to me to be a good sign of her optimism. I hope that the positive experience she had in college with friends will continue for her. I would love to hear updates on her progress.

asteph

9/25/11 2:46am

When I read your 1^st post it sounded just like my 20 year old daughter.

All of her friends pretty much dumped her in her Jr year in high school. She just wasn't quite as crazy as them. She has suffered greatly since then. She is a great artist, and does sign up for classes, but usually drops our due to feeling so out of place, and with drawn.

I read a prayer she wrote last week saying how badly she would like to have friends, but if god would just send her one good friend she would be so thankful. She didn't know how much longer she could hold on with out any friends before she would lose her mind.

I feel so sorry for her. She is trying to get a job, but with showing no self esteem it is really hard for her. She does see a consular, but she doesn't seem to be finding any fixes from him.

If you have any suggestion please let me know.

Donna-1

9/25/11 5:03am

I'm guessing you're going to have to get really creative. If she really is a great artist, help her create her own website gallery. She might even be able to sell her work. A lot of times there is a high school and/or college computer whiz who's looking for just a little money and experience with website design. I know my young nephew is quite accomplished in doing this. Maybe that would give her some pride in her artwork and in herself generally, and provide an outlet for her talents and "something to do." She might draw in a network of other artist friends who have their own galleries, and looking at their work will help to hone her own talents and get a bead on what the public likes. May even lead into a vocation.

Find ways like this where she can shine as an individual and improve her self-esteem. Confident people are more likely to draw friends. I know I went through years when I desperately wanted a friend. I went to a therapist for exactly that reason, expecting her to say "do a,b, and c and you'll have all the friends you want." But it didn't work out like that at all. She seemed far more interested in other topics, I guess, to get at what was the underlying cause. Then she was very frank with me one day and said, "It's perfectly okay if you don't have friends." Somehow that gave me *permission* to pursue my own interests and make my own way in life w/o depending on others to build my self-esteem. Somehow it really boosted my confidence. Because I knew then that I was okay just like I was. I didn't have to reach any artificial standards or have that magic number of friends to qualify as normal. Now, I'm not tempted to buckle to pressure to conform in order to meet someone else's standards. I have my own standards. And gradually, I have developed 2 close friendships. I don't try to force it but just let it develop over time, finding common ground and doing things we both like once in a while.

And I am a very content 53-year old now. It was a relief not to have to compete for the attentions of others. It helped me be more discerning about which men I chose to go out with. I choose my friends instead of waiting for them to choose me. And I turn down friendships that are too much of a drain on my emotions. But that's just me. This may not be at all the help you were looking for. Hopefully you will get other replies that will be helpful.

asteph

9/25/11 12:31pm

Donna, I think the website is a great idea. She has three very good painting done. Being a perfectionist in her painting three is about all she can do in a year, but it is a start for her. Maybe she will consider this.

There are other issues with her as well that doesn't help in her search for friendship. We adopted her from an orphage when she was 4. She has had 17 years to stu on why her birthmother didn't want her. The abandonment issue is Hugh, and she seems to be pron to experience it over and over again.

Brooklyn

9/16/09 9:50pm

everyone tells me you just need to put yourself out there and make some good friends. people don't seem to understand that as hard as i try to branch out people don't give me the time of day. i try to be the best friend i can be, but nothing is reciprocated...life is sooo hard and reading this just hits home. i'm 15 with two stable friends, and only one of them has time for me. i'm sorry for your daughter :(

momsens

9/25/09 1:09pm

Hi there,

as I looked around for some tips how to help my daughter, which also has no best friends, I came along here. I'm from Germany, and because we moved a lot I always lost my best friends. My oldest friend is from ninth grade. And I don't have many, but the ones I have are the best friends and I can count on them. So I wasn't really concerned about my daughter as I looked back on my life. But here in the US making friends is the hardest thing to do. I live here for almost 10 years and I haven't found a friend. But I'm hoping that school changes will change the situation of my daughter and she hopefully will make good friends, that stay with her, because I'm a little worried. She grows sader, over the years. And I'm afraid she will letting in the wrong kind of friends and gets hurt a lot, just so he has friends. I share the thought that time will make it better. So lets hope for our kids.

jsb79

11/10/09 9:07pm

For one thing if she is on welbutrin it is not an SSRI wich affects seretonin in the brain. Also it can take several weeks for the medication to start working. Sometimes it is trial and error in finding the right antidepressant. I know what it feels like to be lonely. Besides my wife I have no true friends and I have trouble communicating with others. I am trying to find the strength to keep going. It is hard but we need to focus on the support system we do have. I wish your daughter the best of luck.

Penny

6/ 4/11 11:45am

My heart bleeds for you and your daughter-my daughter too has had problems with friends-BUT......I would really rethink having your daughter on ANY medications like this. These change your brain chemistry and usually have more side effects than they do good. I would ask God for help and bring her to church/youth groups, etc. Medication is not the answer. For more info on the dangers of these drugs, go to Mercola.com. Dr. Mercola's website is a wealth of info on drugs and nutrition, etc. Extensive info on dangers of these drugs. He is well respected. I will say a prayer for your daughter-just keep showing her how much you love her.

P.

Amelia

11/12/09 8:09pm

I can relate to this because I too am an 18 year old girl who had trouble with "friends". I had a similar experience to your daugher (interest in arts and now attending an art school) I was always thought of as a "nice" girl and I had accuaintences (people to say hi to in the hall) but no friends I really felt close to. It wasn't a problem for a long time because I was focused on school and art, and I had my little brother on my side (also 16) and I confided in my mother to some extent. However, I have a tendency to try to be overly independant (which may be a factor in my social skills :P) and I tried not to let my mom know about my problems too much so she wouldn't feel sad about it. (Having no friends, AND a mom who's disappointed for you is pretty depressing) My advice to you would be to encourage your daughter in the way my mom encouraged me. She encouraged me not to worry about other people's opinion of me and to follow my heart. Pursue my education and my own interests and everything else will fall into place. I still feel lonely and I am having a shaky time with socializing in college but I think that's probably normal. I've never been part of a close group of friends (you know they type that spend most of their time together taking "cute" pictures for Myspace and Facbook? :P) but I don't consider that a loss to be honest. It's kept me out of the foolishness that often comes with middle school/high school social drama and for that I am extremely grateful. Plus I have a great art portfolio to show for it. If you encourage your daughter to join extracurriculars in college I am sure she'll be ok. College is a time to start over. Just be sure she's not letting herself be "everyone's buddy" there's a difference between being liked and being walked on.

tricey

12/27/11 9:51pm

I am 18 years old and I have no friends at all. I find myself crying at times because feel so depressed that i have no one to talk to or hang out with. i have four sisters, so it's not always as lonely. But when i see my sisters going out with their friends, i feel so left out that i have no one to go out with that i get all depressed again. Right now i am going to college, so i hope to have friends there and not aquantices like i did in high school.

Amelia

2/29/12 4:51pm

Hi Tricey, I read your reply to my comment and I wanted to say I have def felt ur pain but you will be moving on to greener pastures soon! You would not believe the tremendous changes I have seen in my social life since leaving gradeschool! In college I've made a plethora of contacts/friends/aquaintances...some have been lasting, others not. Most that I retain are work/project related and all of my friends I keep contact with are artistically inclined in some way. As you get older you learn that friends can come and go and it's best to build a strong relationship with oneself for times where one is in need of support. I'm 20 now almost 21 and I have learned a lot about people and life in the last two years...I have learned that everybody is somebody if you believe it, I've learned that "friends" are far and few between, and I've learned that EVERYONE is afraid of making new friends and everyone wants to meet new people we just dont always know how! Reach out reach out reach out! That's my advice to anyone and everyone reading this thread! Don't waste time feeling sad for yourself when you could be making a connection with that kid in your geometry 101 class who is a great tutor but too painfully shy to speak to a female...in this case and similar cases you are both learning from the friendship. It's best to push your boundaries, prepare for the worst and expect the best, and don't let any form of rejection get you down...there's always another face to talk to in the next seat! So many lonely people on earth and so many ways to connect...FIND THEM!

Good luck to all of you <3

Amelia

2/29/12 4:51pm

Hi Tricey, I read your reply to my comment and I wanted to say I have def felt ur pain but you will be moving on to greener pastures soon! You would not believe the tremendous changes I have seen in my social life since leaving gradeschool! In college I've made a plethora of contacts/friends/aquaintances...some have been lasting, others not. Most that I retain are work/project related and all of my friends I keep contact with are artistically inclined in some way. As you get older you learn that friends can come and go and it's best to build a strong relationship with oneself for times where one is in need of support. I'm 20 now almost 21 and I have learned a lot about people and life in the last two years...I have learned that everybody is somebody if you believe it, I've learned that "friends" are far and few between, and I've learned that EVERYONE is afraid of making new friends and everyone wants to meet new people we just dont always know how! Reach out reach out reach out! That's my advice to anyone and everyone reading this thread! Don't waste time feeling sad for yourself when you could be making a connection with that kid in your geometry 101 class who is a great tutor but too painfully shy to speak to a female...in this case and similar cases you are both learning from the friendship. It's best to push your boundaries, prepare for the worst and expect the best, and don't let any form of rejection get you down...there's always another face to talk to in the next seat! So many lonely people on earth and so many ways to connect...FIND THEM!

Good luck to all of you <3

pat k

2/11/10 2:17am

I have a 16 year old boy who is in a private school for kids with learning and behavior problems (my son has learning problems). The only friends he has are the ones that are there and when he comes home for visits he is absolutely miserable and depressed. He does not want to socialize with the family and states that he has no friends here. He states the boarding school he goes to, most of the kids are juveniles and he is adapting to their ways. I don't know what to do. He is presently on abilify but the only thing I notice are side effects and not any help with the depression. I suggested he hang out with his 12 year old brother but he things that is uncool. He gets mad at me and says the only thing I want to do is take him out for dinner or to a movie. Unfortunately I am a single mom and have suggested people he can hang out with that are close to his age but he refuses. Any advice? Please help. Thank you.

rlritt

3/23/10 9:13am

My daughter is now 20. Her first year at college was good. She had roommates she liked. However, one of them was from California and she told my daughter to move to Los Angeles and go to school. So sophmore year she moved to LA and goes to school. Unfortunately she is not in a dorm. She doesn't see her friend very often because she lives in Pasadena and works and goes to school.

My daughter is a good girl though. She won't stay friends with people who she says do bad things or who are supeficial and uninteresting. However, she can't find a part time job and she goes to a school where all the students commute. I thougtht she would have improved her ability to make friends when she was grown but that doesn't seem to be the case.

She has applied to two schools that do have dorms and regular campuses. Hopefully that will help.

xcx

6/ 6/10 4:52pm

heyy:) sorry you guys are feeling so bad:( I've been having troubles too but I think I'm gonna sort it:)

I joined a filming group for the summer holidays and that kinda boost my confidence but I felt crap at school because I was really quiet and awkward and no one would talk to me and my friends had basically ditched me so I was hanging around with people I knew didn't want me there. I know this sounds horrible lmao but the thing is I've realised I just wasn't prepared for school. I wasn't raised in a social environment so I didn't learn how to make friends easily. I'm starting college next year and I've finished secondary and I've decided that no matter what I'm not gonna let anyone see the quiet side of me that was in school.

Everyone is gonna be new so everyone will be wanting to make friends and no one will know that I was so awkward in school because they don't know me. You've basically just gotta fake being confident and sociable because it's always easy to pretend..and soon enough you'll grow into that outgoing personality that you've built.

I'm going to join alot of clubs and I'm taking subjects that I enjoy so I won't feel bored or anything. I've also decided that I'm not gonna constantly hang round with the same people - I'll split my time with everyone - so I can make more friends and not seem clingy.

I would definitely recommend a change like this where everyone is in the same boat if your child really wants to make friends because no one will know how she was before so she can start again.

and I know it sounds a cliche, but sometimes a change in appearance can give you a boost because you really are becoming a new you.

also, surround them constantly with people when they're young and they'll build social confidence easily. And maybe counselling or therapy that will provide advise and teach social skills is a good idea if you're struggling. And lots of clubs and youth groups:)

I know parents probably don't wanna hear this but sometimes your kids can miss out on learning social skills when they're young so they struggle in school etc and sometimes there's nothing you can do but stick it out until an opportunity for a fresh start comes along - and it will eventually. kids will always see someone based on their first impression so if your child has been quiet for a long time, a change will be wierd and unwelcomed.

basically just get them in a new environment where they can start their life again and help them build that confident personality that people will be attracted to.

I know I won't be friends with people from school again so I've accepted that and I'm soo excited for a new start and new people; I just need to keep working on being sociable and confident even if it feels wierd to start with because eventually it'll be the thing that helps me through.

eeeeh i'm sorry this is so long hahaa i hope its kinda helped put things into perspective.

good luck! xxxxxxx

Ann

6/10/10 10:32am

Wow. I stumbled upon this site and have been sitting here (at work!) reading these comments, thinking "oh my God, that's my daughter!". She is 15, and recently her two best friends (one lives next door) have turned on her. These are girls who she's been so close to - sleepovers, going to the mall, the pool, just hanging out. I was so happy for her because she's had a hard time her entire life making and keeping friends. The pain these girls are causing her (and me) right now is unbearable. That is why I started trolling the internet for help. Rachel (my daughter) has been nothing but good to these girls, supporting them, standing up for them when they've been put down by others, etc., and to have this happen is just heartbreaking. They completely ignore her now and it almost happened overnight. She swears she doesn't know what happened. I know there has to be something that took place for them to stab her in the back, and not knowing what that something is is difficult. She has lost so many friends over the years - nobody ever seems to stick around. Rachel was diagnosed with ADD in 2nd grade and has been on Adderall. She is beautiful, funny, and witty around the house, but I see her turn inward when we are out in public or at school. She wears the latest clothes and puts forth a great appearance, gets looks from boys (who don't know her) when we are out. But she cannot be herself around others. She said she's tried, and it "doesn't work". Her grades are not the best, but she does have around a B average. It kills me that she's going to think back on her high school years with painful memories. I have great memories of high shcool, as does her dad. We weren't extremely popular, but we both had friends and were involved in sports, etc. Rachel is involved in nothing. I cannot get her to do anything outside of her regular classes. She is so socially awkward. So when she got these two friends, I breathed a huge sigh of relief that maybe she would now get involved in things, go to parties, etc. with them. Now that is not going to happen. I cry myself to sleep at night thinking about this. It's the first thing I think about when i wake up. I want to take her to see someone, but I'm afraid that will make it all worse. She's been to therapy before, and hated it. She spends most of her time at home on the computer. This can be scary, as she once got involved in a chat room where they discussed things like cutting and drugs, etc. I immediatley stopped her from going there. She developed a cyber-friendship with a guy. Scared the crap out of me. I made her stop communicating with him. But that's what happens when you can't make "real" friends. Her sister is 12 and has a million friends and is always doing things with them. She's very popular at school. I'm sure this makes Rachel feel bad. The pain of your child not being liked is incredible. I am wondering if an anit-depressant would help. I hate to put her on more meds. She's already taking meds for ADD and acne. I am at my wits end. We talk and talk and talk about things. We are very close. But that doesn't seem to be helping her. Sometimes I wonder if I am too involved in her life, that I just need to back off and let nature take its course. Any help would be appreciated!

rlritt

7/15/10 9:27am

Hi, Ann,

I really understand how bad you feel. My daughter is 20 now. She loved her first year of college in a dorm, but several of her roommates moved back home their 2nd year so she decided to go to school in Los Angeles where one of her friends moved. The bad thing was that she lives in Santa Monica and her friend lives in Pasadena so they don't see each other that much. She had to get in an apartment because the college she went to didn't have a dorm. She finally found a roommate but they weren't good friends. She has had a hard time making friends.

I talked her into transferring again this fall to a 4 yr college in Los Angeles with dorms but I'm not sure if she will get in the dorm. I am worried about it, but she seems to think it's fine. I wish she had stayed at her first school and stayed in the dorm. She was really happy.

Since she is 20 now, I don't have much to say about her social life. She tells me not to worry. The good thing is that for some reason--knock on wood--she seems very sensible. When she does make friends she doesn't change who she is to fit in. When she had a few friends last winter, she stopped hanging around them because she said they were too superficial.

She also doesn't seem boy crazy. She had a boyfriend in high school and broke up with him because he didn't treat her well. She meets boys but won't go out with them just to go out.

I guess that I have to start trusting that she knows what she's doing. I know she feels she has social problems and that the whole family has social problems, but that is because we are introverted. I have a lot of friends but don't spend much time with them. My son doesn't have a lot of friends but seems perfectly happy about it.

The only thing I can say to help you is to try to teach your daughter to be confident. It may not get her more friends, but if she can feel good about herself she will have a successful life and make real friends.

I tried putting my daughter on anti depressants but she didn't like them. She does take adderal for ADD and it helps her to study.

I do understand your sadness, because I can still cry when I think of my daughter when she was younger reading books about how to make friends and joining clubs and doing other activities in order to meet people, but not succeeding. I put her in a private high school and that helped for a while, but towards the end she had problems with those friends too.

You just have to love her and tell her that she is a great girl and let her know you will always be there. The one thing you have to come to terms with is that it is her life and you have done the best you can, but you can't live it for her.

Best of luck.....Lauren

Ann

7/19/10 12:40pm

Lauren,

Thanks for your reply. Things have gotten better. Her friends sent me a private message thru Facebook telling me all of the things Rachel had been up to because they are concerned about her. I was incredibly grateful for this, because some of it I did not know. She apparently became infatuated (brainwashed) by some guy she met online and had been communicating with him for over a year. This guy is a complete loser (drugs, tried suicide, bad home life) and I am convinced he is not "real" and that he is an online predator. Her friends said she would constantly blow them off to stay home and talk to this guy, and they got so frustrated with her that they stopped doing stuff with her. Then Rachel would turn around and get upset when they started ignoring her. She tried piercing herself (nose, lip). All of this is scary, scary stuff, and we've been to a therapist and we've done ALOT of talking. I have completely taken over monitoring her phone and computer use to where I can see exactly who she's texting and where she goes online. She has a blog which I look at, and it's rather depressing but is getting better. I can see a bit of a light there. This is one incident in a long line of poor decisions Rachel has made with her friendships, and I can only hope that she now realizes what it takes to have and keep friends. She fully realizes that she does not know how to talk to people and is so afraid of saying the wrong thing or something stupid. She's been burned in the past, and it has affected her greatly. Her self-esteem is low, but I see improvement. So this is, in a nutshell, the progress she's making. Her two friends who emailed me are slowly returning to her life (one speaks to her alot and one a little). We've started attending church again which has help greatly. Thanks for your concern and I hope all is well with your daughter!

Aubrey (aml0017)

2/21/11 1:04pm

I feel for your daughter. I had a lot of friends going up to high school but when I was 15 or so I just felt disconnected from them. I was in the "popular group" and it seemed like I had a lot of friends but I didn't really. It never went past talking during class or lunch. By my senior year I just spent my lunch periods in the library. I didn't know how to relate to people or be myself around others, so I did feel people looked me over. However, I realize now at 30 that I did retreat from them also. I didn't know it at the time but I was depressed. It is hard to expect teenagers to understand this and be accepting of it. All I can say is please continue to support your daughter as you have been, and make sure she knows she is always loved and wanted by her family even if she isn't at school. I didn't have that at home either so I didn't have a chance when I went to college. Please don't make her feel (however unintentional) that she is less because she doesn't have these friends.

Tami

8/ 1/10 9:48pm

I cannot believe that I just read the story of my daughters life. She is 16 years old and has gone through exactly the same thing.

It breaks my heart because she so desperately would like someone to care as much about her as she does them. I have done the same things, put her in sports, language, private school all to no avail.

She went to make plans with someone she thought was her friend and was told once again that she was too busy to hang out with her. My daughter just cried.

She is very well rounded, educated, likes to have fun and yes has read books also. I do not think it is just my daughter's inability to maintain friendships. She calls herself a transitional friend. When she brings someone new into the group eventually that person becomes the friend everyone wants and again my daughter gets left out.

I find it to be disheartening at the least, I am concerned that as she gets older she may put herself in a relationship that could be unhealthy, just so she is not alone.

Her father and I both had great friends in school and continue to have friends. Her brother has always made friends.

Anyone with a great insight please enlighten. I can't stand to see her so terribly sad.

rlritt

8/ 2/10 9:23am

Tami,

I know how you feel. My daughter is now 20. She has been living on her own in Los Angeles for a year while going to school. For many months she only had one friend who was busy a lot but she joined clubs and went to school. I insiste she go to a 4yr university and stay in the dorm. She agreed. However, she did get in to the school---she starts Sept. but she refuses to stay in the dorm. Now she has some friends and wants to live in their neighborhood. I was against it but her dad said it was her life. She is very resentful of me worrying about her.

However, that being said, she had NOT gotten into bad relationships so far. She has even dropped her a few of the friends she made when she realized they were into bad or weird stuff. I think that she is very level headed and I do appreciate that. One of the problems is that she is very sensitive and emotional. So she sees an insult where there is none so a lot of her problems seem worse than they are.

I wish you the best of luck with your daughter. All you can really do is let her know that you love her. At least she can go out into the world knowing she is loved.

Tami

8/ 2/10 11:41am

I want to thank you for replying. The best thing is knowing that there are others out there who have gone through or are going through the same thing.

I had my daughter read the comments posted on this site. She didn't really comment but again knowing that she is not alone will help her.

From the posts I read it seems this is a terrible trend.

Your daughter will find her place in this world. The hardest thing we do as parents is let our children fall and get hurt. She is young and has her whole life still in front of her.

For us, I will keep reinforcing the fact that life is what we make of it. We can only control ourselves in any given situation, the rest is what it is.

It is hard and I know I have cried myself to sleep many nights because she has been hurt by the carelessness of others.

Your post has probably done more good than anything. Again thank you.

Best of luck to you and your daughter.

lene

8/30/10 12:50am

Hello Lauren,

I have been reading all the comments on this post and am somewhat suprised at how much we have in common. I too have a 20 year old in college. Her story is very similar to your daughters. She is now in her 2nd year at a new school in a new apartment with a new aquaintence of a roomate. I googled " Why my daughter can't make or keep friends" because I had just gotten off the phone with her and my heart breaks when she tells me another story of "Friends" letting her down, and I had to tell her they just aren't her true friends. Bottom line... young girls and boys can be mean and horrible creatures. Selfish and inconsiderate. If we are lucky to have a few good friends left by the end of our child hood we should cherish them, because they are rare. I think that in today's society... this problem had become evidently more pronounced. We wish people would teach their children to be compassionate and caring about others feelings. "treat some one the way you would like to be treated" but this is an old fashioned idea. More and more people are out for themselves today.

Well parents... if not for anything else, it seems that most of the people on these posts have similar children... caring and sensitive kids that are unique, individule and more mature than the rest. Be proud that your kids have character and tell them to be proud of themselves. Good friends will come. I barely remember my high school friends anymore.... and althought I remember those who were mean to me... I thank them for making me stronger and wanting to show them I was better, because of this I am a more sucessfull adult.

Tell your kids to keep trying and be proud. Love your family and cherish the rare good friend that WILL finally come along.

Thanks again,

Goood Luck!

rlritt

8/30/10 9:15am

Greetings,

Thanks for you comments. My daughter has now made some new friends, and she is very excited about them. She tells me not to worry. One of her new friends seems to be very nice from what she tells me. She is also staying with her for a couple of weeks until she moves into her new apartment. Her new roommates seem pretty stable and I hope she likes them as well.

We just took my son to college yesterday. He and I are very close. We do a lot together which was great for me. He had a few friends and is not shy, but he is somewhat introverted and preferred to spend time at home when he was not at school or work. I know he is very excited about going away to a Big 10 school.

I am very sad however. I was driivng around last night and remembering everytime I drove him to school, and drove him to gymnastics. We went to the movies a lot and usually stopped afterwards to pick up hotdogs and hamburgers at a local place. I cherish these mundane memories and can't believe the time went by so fast.

I remember reading to him every night when he was in grammar school. It seems like just yesterday.

I know I'm not alone. There were many moms and dads dropping their kids off yesterday. But it still feels so sad.

I know that I don't want my son to stay home. I want him to make friends and have a rich life, but I can't believe how much I want to do the small every day things like making his lunch, or driving him to school or watching tv with him. I know it is something I have to live through. Life is a series of letting go.

SDFG765

9/22/10 12:19pm

I have the same problem as your daughter. I'm 18 and last year my family decided to move to France. I didn't speak the language but the idea of living in Paris was so exciting and I thought that I would make many friends and study art and so on..So i said "sure, why not".

Then, things went all bad.

I couldn't find an art high school, the teachers were so hard on me because I didn't speak french,although I tried, the classmates didn't welcome me very well...they thought I was dumb and shy...

In my hometown I used to be very popular and I had so many friends...People loved me and I can't see why these new people hate me so much...

I started blaming myself, so I became very sad and lost myself, I forgot who I was. I gained weight and didn't leave home for the weekend.

Now things are slightly better, I'm planning go see a doctor and I started dieting...meditating for inner peace...etc etc

However, I admire you for being so concerned about your daughter. I wish my parents cared so much about me. All my mother does is saying that I'm good for nothing and that it's my fault that people don't like me...and that I have no plans for the future like other students do, but I honestly lack motivation...

I sometimes think that i'm cursed.

I hope your daughter will be ok...Having a calm, indifferent attitude helps a little bit.

- S

roero

11/ 7/10 12:43pm

hi hh,

i just wanted to tell u to not b to hard on ur self ....i moved to a small town after living in a big city for 45 years...it was the same country, but still a shock...it took many years to adjust and i sometimes still miss the hustle and bustle of the big city...there is nothing wrong with u.it is not ur fault..if u made friends easily b/f moving...its not u...u will b fine...as for what ur mom says to u she probably feels guilty for up rooting u...my 14 daughter does not make friends easily..she had a lot of mean girl experiences...that will affect even the most confident girls...u will b ok as will my daughter..childhood is only a small portion of ur life...it will get better only if u don't blame ur self

concernedmom

11/ 6/10 11:21am

I have a 16 year old that has trouble making friends. She just does not seem to fit in anywhere, but she is a good kid and her teachers all like her. I recently read some articles about Asperger's Syndrome, and I see some similarities between this and my daughter. I know its scary to put a label to it, but if it helps her to learn behavioral cues to fit in throughout her life, then its worth it. Aspergers is on the autism scale, its not autism, but there are some behavioral similarities such as high intelligence coupled with an inability to read social cues and interact with peers on an appropriate level. I plan to have my daughter evaluated for this, not to label her, but to get the correct treatment, which is behavioral teaching rather than meds. Hope this helps someone else, because I have seen my daughter suffer long enough, and this won't go away with time or age.

Vivien

11/16/10 6:52pm

I know what it's like for her, people sometimes just want to hate you to boost up their own self esteem. I just can't believe how heartless some people can be out there. I have been to many schools, and at least in half of them, people have shunned me, hated me, etc. Lots of people judge everyone by their first impression of the person, and sometimes, the judging can be very cold hearted and biased. It's so stupid.

Maybe this seems a little weird, but can I ask to be her friend on facebook? (I know I'm a stranger and all and I'm also not even an adult XD)

I just thought that maybe she would like an online friend :)

always a mom

1/11/11 2:52pm

Oh my goodness. You have all described my daughter through elementary and high school. She is now almost 30, and these same social issues plague her. As hearbreaking as elementary and high schhool were, I now have hearbreak and an inability to help, other than to listen. Any advice? Anyone else 30, single, and at peace with her social situation?

Kyle

2/12/11 3:58am

Basically I started out having 0 friends. I was born with Encompresis and it ruled my life until I was about 13. I couldn't make friends it was like everyone hated me for being born. When I could control it I actually made friends. Bad ones for the most part. The "friends" I once had never changed. They all wanted to be "rebellious" forever. I thought that was really foolish of them so we drifted apart. I still have 1 great friend from that time, though. He and I actually grew up while the rest of them stayed 16. They started hating him and threatening him. They never did me any wrong but I'm glad to be through with them. They can sit around and do drugs and drink all they like but when their world comes crashing down on them me and my 1 great friend will be just fine.

Sure, I'm all alone on the weekends because my friend is putting his life back together. However, that's what makes him special to me becaus he IS trying and he IS succeeding. It may be small steps but it's better than waiting in the quicksand to reach the bottom. We're both from the same chapter of the same book on ill fate.

We need strong friends and I've always thought that fate was better than calculation. I crossed paths with him by mistake but it was always my favorite accident. Later on I found out that our little chain of friends were never loyal to begin with. They made me out to look like a shut-in to him and made him out to look like a flunking druggie to me. Had we not met for the first time in neutral space we may both have been all alone up to this point.

Some people we are SO much better without and others we absolutely NEED in order to keep ourselves sane. You can have 100 contacts in your cell phone but if it weren't for that who of those 100 would you even remember? Take your time.

chinni

2/12/11 12:46pm

this is a helpful thread and my daughter is 19 and she is has trouble making friends. She is and introvert and she tries to fit herself into groups with similar interests but cannot initiate any converation. She feels no one wants to listen to her and/or ignore her when she talks. She feels fake doing that. She likes to be with them but they do not call her for everything, and when she initiates not everyone responds. She asks me, mom why I am like this? when she says that my heart aches. She is a great kid with good grades as she is pursuing career in medicine, she is beautiful good at heart girl. I tell her baby, they are not worth of your friendship and tell her to join some activities to keep her busy and she might find someone with similar interest there. Kids are immature at this age and world is cruel, there is no real true friendship in the world anyone. I always advice her to be strong at mind/heart and am always there for her to boost her confidence.

Kyle

2/12/11 4:48pm

I've never tried to fit myself into a group with similar interests but my interests are always changing so I guess it makes sense. People keep telling me just to let life flow naturally and don't plan anything. I'm always changing never staying in the same place too long. I miss my opportunities to connect with people and that's devastating to me but I can't help it. It's like I'm afraid to be close but long for it. It's very strange I've been this way since I was 15 and now I'm 20 and single with only family and my 1 friend.

sadmom

4/ 8/11 4:10pm

After reading many of these threads, yours hit home the most. My daughter is 18 and in University. I also enrolled her in sports, church youth groups,even cadets! Throughout elementary school she was isolated by her peers that had one very nasty ringleader. Every time she would befriend someone this particular individual would tell them to stay away from my daughter because she was geeky or nerdy.

My daughter is very intelligent, funny ,artistic and kind. She developed a self esteme issue that has never resolved. A few friends were made over the years, but never maintained because my daughter will never initiate contact. She is afraid of rejection. We had her go to a psycologist who tried cognitive behavior therapy. For example: phone someone everyday and make plans to go out. This is very difficult for someone who is socially fearful. If my daughter isn't at her part time job (where she doesn't have a friend either) or at University ,she is at home, usually in her room. Everyday my heart breaks for her as I feel this will never change and she is missing out on the best years of her life. If I try and discuss this with her and be encouraging, or make suggestions, I am met with hostility and replys like " I'm just fine, leave me alone!" At this point I don't know what to do as she is an adult. Good to know there are others with similar issues, I feel for them also.

chinni

4/ 9/11 4:56pm

Thanks for responding. My daughter is almost done with her 2nd year in college and she has become strong now and understands her personality very well now. She keeps herself busy and now she does have one friend who she hangs out with when she is free. Please keep the channel between yourself and your daughter open and let her know that you are always there for her. She continues to have the fear of rejection like your daughter and does not initiate stuff with her class or any groups but I guess she is getting better. I adviced her to take some publish speaking courses to get better at it. Please do not lose hope and continue to stay with her as a friend, mother and gaurdian, that is what they need from us.

rlritt

4/19/11 12:14pm

I know what you are going through. It is very difficult to watch you daughter go through this. My daughter is better now that she has been away from home at college, although her friends come and go, she does at least have a few people she can hang out with.

As a mother it breaks your heart, but I don't think there is anything you can do about it. I know my daughter gets mad at me when I ask her what she's doing on the week-end. She says she's content.

I am glad that she doesn't have to have a boyfriend all the time. She is very pretty, but is very particular who she goes out with. She has had two boyfriends, and I was amazed that she didn't go crazy over them

I know when I was her age I always had to have a boyfriend and sometimes I stayed in really bad relationships because I didn't want to be alone. She isn't like that at all. (so far) That's something to be grateful for.

I guess at some point we have to let go.

sue

2/12/11 3:20pm

I'm a 15 year old girl and a high school freshman (9th). I'm not sure whether I'm depressed or not, though both my mom and dad think I am. My family life isn't the problem - I have very supportive parents and two brothers that both love me, though I would never actually talk to them about what I'm experiencing.

What's difficult about what I'm going through is that I do have friends. At school, I'm very sociable, and people seemingly enjoy talking and hanging out with me. In the past, I've had some very close friends, and we would often do things together. At the end of 8th grade, however, I had a falling out with one of my bestfriends, and got into a huge fight with the other one. The one I got into a fight with, he chose the girl that I had a falling out with. In addition to that, the other two girls sort of in our "group" started to drift away from me, though I'm still moderatly friends with both of them.

Now, about 8 months later, I still have nothing to do on weekends, and I find myself more and more around the house, instead of out. People talk to me in school, yet none of them really want to hang out after school. I tried being pro active for a period of time - I called up a bunch of people asking them to do things with me. Mostly, they were busy, but the few times that people accepted, we seemed to have a fun time. After a while, though, I realized that nobody was ever going to call me up, so recently, I've given up. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so close, yet it still seems that nobodies interested. I don't want to keep asking people to hang out that clearly don't want to, but at the same time, I hate spending endless weekends alone in my home.

As for your daughter - she may just need to loosen up a bit. I know that sounds ridiculous, having her change her personality to get friends, but being more sociable and letting go some rigidness may help her branch out to new groups of people who she may have never met before.

Kyle

2/12/11 4:38pm

My niece seems to be the same. She has a lot of friends at school but on the weekends she's never doing anything. I'm happy she's staying smart about social life not doing drugs or drinking but at the same time sort of sad that she's not out with a few good friends on the weekend. We're very close so we're always helping eachother out to the best of our abilities. She's my true friend I really feel blessed to know her.

dc165

2/18/11 8:59pm

I'm 19 years old, and I don't know how to maintain friends too.

Tell your daughter she is very lucky to have you as her mother, because no one in my family cares if I make friends or not. Since elementary school I perfected my poker face. I mean no one can tell if I am depressed, every since I could remember I am always alone and hate it. I am just like her smart, never drugs, or anything to make my family worry. I'm just depressed cause no one seem to notice me. The best thing you can do for her is to remind her how lucky she is to have you, because there is someone who notice her.

rlritt

2/18/11 11:38pm

Well stay hopeful. Now that she is 21 she does have a few friends that she's made at school. The good thing for me is that even though she is going to school out of town, she comes home every time she has a break.

One thing that I think is really important for you is to find something that you are passionate about and become an expert at it. They say that if you love what you do, you will like the people you work with.

Ann

2/21/11 10:32am

I read these posts and think "this is my child". I've written here before. In many ways reading these makes me feel less alone. My daugher (16) is beautiful, funny, witty...at home. But get her out in among other people and kids her age, and she absolutely shrinks and looks like she just wants to bury herself in a hole. It is the strangest thing to me. I don't get it. I've talked to her about it over and over until I can't discuss it with her anymore. She feels I don't accept her for the way she is, but I didn't raise my child to be rude. She will avoid eye contact or talking to people, even people she knows. She comes across as disrespectful, unfriendly, and downright arrogant sometimes. She does have one friend that she hangs out with (thank GOD!) whom she's known since 1st grade. Other than that, she has very superficial relationships. She's not even close with her extended family (aunts/uncles/cousins). I've told her numerous times that you get more flies with honey.....she just doesn't get it. I don't know if she's just painfully shy, or there's more than that going on. She does have ADD (diagnosed at age 8) and is on Adderall (only on days she goes to school). Her therapist back in 2nd grade said some of her behaviors make her think there might be slight Asperger's going on, but at that time, she said she wasn't going to even put that in her file because she would just be on the cusp - a very high functioning Aspergers. But now, I am wondering if it is full blown Aspergers. Her grades are not the greatest and she has always struggled (B- to C average). She has gotten involved in a couple of online relationships which I put a stop to, but I know she still communicates with complete strangers. She says she's more comfortable with that kind of communication that in the real world - red flag!! Again, we've talked and talked about it, even seen a therapist about it. But I know it hasn't stopped. I've taken things away from her to keep her from doing it. I've nosed through her room, her backpack, etc. to see if she's doing anything else dangerous. Her taste in music is the dark, underground, metal crap that I never thought any child of mine would be into. I've let that go...it's the least of worries right now. She's had kids at school bully her-calling her a loser, ugly, etc.-which of course, she's not, but she's taken it all to heart. But she puts up a weak front, and mean kids will pounce on that. She has absolutely no self-confidence. She has no real passion. She's not involved in any extra-cirricular activities. I've tried to push her to do something, and she won't. I can't even imagine her holding a job because she won't talk to people. She won't even go to McDonald's drive-thru w/o someone being with her. It's all so heartbreaking. She says she's not depressed and she certainly doesn't act it around the house. We have a stable middle-class situation and home-2 parents, 1 sister, nice home, etc. She gets along pretty well w/her sister (who is the polar opposite - very active, lots of friends, etc.). She's never had a boyfriend, which is upsetting to her when girls at school all around her have boyfriends. I'm afraid she will lower her standards and just take whatever she can get, the first loser who comes along and sees a girl with low self-esteem. It's all so upsetting, thinking of her future. I am going to look into the Aspergers more and probably set her up with a therapist. Sorry to vent, but maybe Aspergers is the issue for many on here. I don't know. Just a thought.

Tracita

2/22/11 2:05pm

I would probably say that the assessment of Asperger's is probably what your seeing in your daughter.

i have a 19 year old "highly functioning" Autistic son.

Let me tell you..there is no sugar coating. I have learned to NEVER ask the question "Does this make me look fat" because I will surely get the answer I didn't want to hear. Something about the spectrum disorder almost makes it difficult for them to lie about anything. So if they verbalize their emotion, you best be prepared for whatever you get.

I believe she is truly being "herself" and not really factoring in the human emotion that we try to second guess. To us her response may be cold and rude...to her, she answered a question. There isn't really a gray area. It's simply her interpretation.

It is unfortunate that people may view her as being callus. However, you must know in your heart that there really isn't anything you can do to change this. My suggestion is when she does say something inapporpriate to your view, justify your side with "You really should have labeled that differently" and provide your response. Maybe repeatative responses of what you would say will then become something she may consider in an effort to be "more accepting" responses. Maybe in time, she will pick that up, vs the straight shoot from the hip responses she would typically get. It's really the only thing you can do as we are all creatures of habit.

good luck to you, both.

Tracita

2/22/11 2:05pm

I would probably say that the assessment of Asperger's is probably what your seeing in your daughter.

i have a 19 year old "highly functioning" Autistic son.

Let me tell you..there is no sugar coating. I have learned to NEVER ask the question "Does this make me look fat" because I will surely get the answer I didn't want to hear. Something about the spectrum disorder almost makes it difficult for them to lie about anything. So if they verbalize their emotion, you best be prepared for whatever you get.

I believe she is truly being "herself" and not really factoring in the human emotion that we try to second guess. To us her response may be cold and rude...to her, she answered a question. There isn't really a gray area. It's simply her interpretation.

It is unfortunate that people may view her as being callus. However, you must know in your heart that there really isn't anything you can do to change this. My suggestion is when she does say something inapporpriate to your view, justify your side with "You really should have labeled that differently" and provide your response. Maybe repeatative responses of what you would say will then become something she may consider in an effort to be "more accepting" responses. Maybe in time, she will pick that up, vs the straight shoot from the hip responses she would typically get. It's really the only thing you can do as we are all creatures of habit.

good luck to you, both.

kellyb

3/18/11 11:01pm

My daughter is now 14 and has the same problems and has had this since she was in 2nd grade. She is unable to make and keep friends. She is a cute girl, very smart and very mature for her age. She is also a foot taller than other kids her age and always has been she has also always been overwieght due to medical issues despite us working on this. She's got a very developed sense of self and is often a little too open wiht her opinions which probably doesn't help. She's very original and is definitely not a follower. But she has been shunned and bullied with a vengeance. We even moved to a new city and started what was supposed to be a very prestigious and highly rated school. She was bullied relentlessly and told to go kill herself. She has suffered depression from all of this and started talking about suicide and cutting herself. We went through therapy and medication and she's gotten through the roughest parts but she is still very very sad about not having friends and wonders what is so wrong with her that people don't like her. The bullying and depression got so bad I had to take her out of school and homeschool her. This has made making friends virtually impossible. I really wish there was an answer for this but I just don't know what it is.

I can't continue to homeschool her because I'm a single parent and work at an office now instead of at home. She is now alone all day and I'm really worried about her. I don't know what to do. :(

Hz

4/26/11 2:12pm

So sorry to hear bout your daughter, I feel your pain, I really do. I'm afraid that I am going through pretty much the same things as her and the other kids tht have been mentioned in the earlier posts. I'm 16 years and ive been living in lots of different countries for most of my life. Recently, however, my parents moved back to the UK where we are all originally from in order to be close to our family. For as long as I can remember I've always been bullied at school starting at about what you would call 3rd grade. However, I've had the worst bullying problems here in UK. Due to living abroad I knew nobody my age and being in 6th grade at the time it was my last year in school before I moved on high school so I had very little time to adapt and get to know people, the only friend I had at the time used to tease me in front of all the other girls and I had gotten to the point where I had chosen to be alone in fear of being bullied and I used to get told off pretty much daily by my teachers due to being on my own. Things didn't really kick off to the extreme till i'd hit high school, the girl that used to tease me before was the only person that let me be with her and when shed settled into high school and she met what what seemed like an innocent group of new friends. I found out only a couple of weeks later that there were drug addicts and alcoholics and due to not fitting in with the crowd the despised me... They started to bully me daily, they'd steal my bag and graffiti my books, they'd give me blades and tell me to kill myself, they'd offer me drugs and kick me and punch me on a regular basis too. After year of being tormented, things got worse yet again, the girl had gotten herself pregnant and said she was making me her Childs godmother, merely so I could give her food and sympathy. Soon I began to feel guilty every time I didn't have money or food to give this girl and she had relised she had to abort the baby, when I was asked to go with her to the clinic I panicked and refused and for many years ( even today) I felt somehow connected with the babies death even though it wasn't mine and in honesty wasn't anything to do with me... The girl had nearly lost her group of buddies due to her abortion and resorted to her old habit of bullying me to gain attention but with them all bullying me I had tried to end my life and soon after was pulled out of school. Five years on, I'm still recovering without any help from parents, counsellors ect. I'm now in a new school preparing for my final exams before moving on to college. Still I am having problems making friends and I dont currently have a single one at all. I have reached the point where I am scared of people and my only place of refuge is my home. I still feel the guilt of not being good enough to help what I thought was my godchild in its time of need and I still have nightmares of it looking down at me angrily from heaven. I know exactly what you and your daughter are going through but please, please dont give up. Your daughter sounds like a wonderful girl with a really high potential. As or medical problems, again I can sympathize with you. I have a medical condition (which is still on going to this date) that affects my hearing, my hearing comes and goes all the time every day to the point where I sometimes go completely deaf - I still get bullied by both kids and teachers over my hearing and it affects the way that I communicate with people. I am also very fearful of being alone with new people as I used to be beaten up by kids when my hearing was at it's worst (because I couldn't hear them coming). My message for you ( and any other people out there who need it) Is to stay strong, despite everything you and your daughter sound like loverly people who have just been hit by an unfortunate chain of events. Also, I recommend you staying as close as you possibly can with one another and whilst trying to recover also take into account the problems you faced and the ways to overcome them. (Due to living abroad I lived a sheltered life and knew nothing about violence, drugs and abuse and my parents never told me anything about it - I learned the hard way through personal experiences.)As for the low confidence and self esteem, I am a real sufferer of that also, perhaps you could try involving your daughter in clubs or groups that may appeal to her and of course if you wish to talk, you can always talk to me here on this forum. Finally, the best of luck to you both xx Finally, the best of luck to both of you.

KellyB

4/26/11 2:42pm

Hz,

Thank you so much for your kind words on here. You too have gone through alot and my heart goes out to you. One thing I tell my daughter, that you should know too, these things really will make you stronger. Its one thing to take the easy path and do what it takes to fit in and be what everyone else thinks you should be and quite another to be brave and be yourself no matter what. You will be (and already are) a strong person able to handle what life hands them.

It does get easier once you get older and get into college level. Hopefully you'll be able to find your niche and you won't be hounded by such mean people. Keep your head up and please if you want to talk to someone, I can send you my email and you can email me.

What happened with your so called friend, is NOT your fault. You had nothing to do with her decision and she may have done what is best for everyone. Bottom line it was her decision and your inablity to support HER baby has nothing to do with it. She should never have even asked that of you. I know its easier said than done but please try to stop blaming yourself for that. Nothing you could have done would have made that situation better. The fact that you feel bad about it shows what a good person you are.

For some reason, society seems to find a way to beat down the good hearted people and sees the sensitive people as weak. You are anything but. Be strong and hang in there! Find what you love to do and what makes you happy and do it. Volunteer at places where a good, kind heart is valued. Maybe work with kids who are underpriviliaged and could use someone like you in their life. Like I tell my daughter....You were put here for a reason and nothing anyone says can change that. Find your purpose and know that friends are fleeting and they certainly don't define your value as a person!

Kelly

HZ

4/26/11 3:02pm

KellyB, Thank you so much for your support, and rapid response. I'll try my hardest to do as you have advised - although it is hard I'll do my best to let that incident go and allow myself to progress. I fully understand it was most likely to be the bested option, the one thing that I still am having problems Dealing with was the fact that I couldn't help her more than I did but I guess there was nothing more I could do. I sort of am doing my bit to support children who are unprivileged to have this kind of problem in the UK. Since my accident I have been in contact with a organisation who works against bullying and I allowed her to use my case to promote her organisation and the lady who runs this organisation had helped me to receive some justice from what had happened by confronting the school ( which is really about as much as we can do really). The lady who owns this organisation has come close to my heart and is almost a second mother to me and she has inspired to to continue to support children who are being bullied. Maybe soon I can fully help those in need just as that nice lady had helped me! Thank you soo much for your support and hopefully we can soon put a STOP to bullying!! HZ

KellyB

4/26/11 4:54pm

Hz, that's great! I think thats a wonderful idea with what you're doing with your bullying story and its heartening to hear that you have someone who is like a 2nd mom to you. :)

Hz

4/26/11 5:51pm

Kellyb Yeah, it'll all pay off soon I'm hoping and yes, she is a wonderful lady, she's very kind and understanding and she was very supportive when I was in hospital. Only problem is shes been diagnosed with cancer ;( I haven't heard from her in so long now and I'm almost afraid to call her because I don't want to disturb her while she's not feeling too good :/ Guess I'm gunna be on my own for a little bit... Would it be ok if I had your email?... I know it sounds a little weird but I'm so lonely and I have no friends to talk to and nobody knows my secret and I got a lot of time to myself and because I'm deaf I can't go out - I'm too scared to anyways. It just helps to know that there's somebody out there who understands me. Hz

Hz

4/26/11 6:02pm

Oh goodness Kellyb, I've just realised that it was quite a while when you originally posted about your daughter. How is she now? Is all of this still on going? If there's snything I can possibly do to help either one of you please let me know okay.

AmberS

5/29/11 7:25am

that was a really nice comment

Jessica

6/ 1/11 3:14am

I always had friends, even though they often didn't include me. I'm 20 now, and they no longer include me at ALL. I've thought about deleting facebook so I won't have to see them hanging out without me... its making me seriously depressed

Sad Mum

6/29/11 1:58pm

I feel for you and I am going through the same thing. It is my daughters 21st in 2 weeks, and since she moved to her Dad's, she is working and that seems about it, her friends are complaining that she doesn't keep in touch and are getting fed up with her, but I think it is because she is scared of rejection? When she was in junior school, I found out that she was being bullied, I took her straight out. She went to another school and things seemed a bit better. She is sooo artistic I cannot tell you!!! She went through a couple of major things that happened to her which I cannot put on here, she went to counselling, and I thought that things had improved. But she is either full on with everything or totally disorganised and withdrawn, there is NO in between! When she does socialise, she has such a great time, she is really pretty too, but I don’t think there is any real self confidence there deep down, it's all front. Her friends (that she has left!!) by the skin of her teeth, all seem to have loads of friendships, so I don’t think that they would even understand this and I am too embarrassed to point it out.

I am so concerned that she is going to be on her own on her 21st, that I am heartbroken. She holds friendships for a while, but then they seem to go wrong, it's not just her who is flaky, but she is worse than them. She won't go back on facebook, maybe she feels that no one will comment on her posts,( I don't know?), but we all have that from time to time? But it seems a real fear when I mention it :-( I have obviously just put the basics on here, but I am very very worried and do not understand why she is shutting herself off like this and pretending that she doesn't care, which I know is not true. I keep in touch with her friends more than she does but I can't keep trying to play pig in the middle. I know that I should back off and stop trying and let her sort it out? But what Mother wants to see their child without any friends? A very very difficult situation to be in. Can someone please offer some advice?

Thank you

From a VERY depressed Mum

Sad Mum

6/29/11 1:58pm

I feel for you and I am going through the same thing. It is my daughters 21st in 2 weeks, and since she moved to her Dad's, she is working and that seems about it, her friends are complaining that she doesn't keep in touch and are getting fed up with her, but I think it is because she is scared of rejection? When she was in junior school, I found out that she was being bullied, I took her straight out. She went to another school and things seemed a bit better. She is sooo artistic I cannot tell you!!! She went through a couple of major things that happened to her which I cannot put on here, she went to counselling, and I thought that things had improved. But she is either full on with everything or totally disorganised and withdrawn, there is NO in between! When she does socialise, she has such a great time, she is really pretty too, but I don’t think there is any real self confidence there deep down, it's all front. Her friends (that she has left!!) by the skin of her teeth, all seem to have loads of friendships, so I don’t think that they would even understand this and I am too embarrassed to point it out.

I am so concerned that she is going to be on her own on her 21st, that I am heartbroken. She holds friendships for a while, but then they seem to go wrong, it's not just her who is flaky, but she is worse than them. She won't go back on facebook, maybe she feels that no one will comment on her posts,( I don't know?), but we all have that from time to time? But it seems a real fear when I mention it :-( I have obviously just put the basics on here, but I am very very worried and do not understand why she is shutting herself off like this and pretending that she doesn't care, which I know is not true. I keep in touch with her friends more than she does but I can't keep trying to play pig in the middle. I know that I should back off and stop trying and let her sort it out? But what Mother wants to see their child without any friends? A very very difficult situation to be in. Can someone please offer some advice?

Thank you

From a VERY depressed Mum

Anonymous

7/12/11 12:16am

hi I'm a 13 year old kid and I just turned 13 I am a gonna be a new kid in school this new school year cuz I was in a boarding school last year I had alot of friends i was sorta popular in the top 3 in ma class but the majority of the race were Asian and Caucasian and I'm starting school in a Caucasian area and I'm half African and half Bangladeshi and I wanted to know how to mix with a 7th grade caucasian age group in school Pls reply Thnx P.S to help ppl I would like to advice ur child to have a good first impression in the first day trust me it helped me alot. My first I cracked a funny joke at the teacher and the coolest guy in class invited me to sit with him in lunch. I am grateful to him and we are still very close friends and he is caucasian. 2 notes before I finish 1st sorry for the racial discrimination 2nd If u havnt noticed I'm a guy so pls reply

abby

7/18/11 4:51pm

It's amazing how you care so much about your daughter not having friends because I have same kind of story as your daughter. I'm 18 and I was born in a different country then moved to U.S. during my high school freshmen year. But I never had friends or any boy friend or any thing nor any bully problems. Sometimes it's just like there is a world and there is me. When I was in kindergarten school my mom says I used to have a lots of friends but my parents have never aloud me to have friends ever as long as I can remember. Back home our house used to have really long fences and the only time I connect with the out side world is when I go to school but I can't make friends at school because we have short breaks plus even if I do make friends i'm not aloud to go to there house to hang out nor was I aloud to have them over. There were no exceptions about going out side It was like I was an island. When I moved to the U.S. I thought things would change and my parents wouldn't be to hard about me and my siblings ( 1 older brother and 3 younger sisters) making friends since their excuse was the negborhod we used to live in yet, even after we moved it didnt change. What is worse is that now my younger sisters are aloud to have friends over to hang out or go out to play sports but the one time I brought a friend over (I asked my mom before I brought my friend and she said it was ok) and the next day that friend was too teriffied to talk to me and we never spoke again. My freshmen year I used to be sad about not having friends and being alone but now I got used to it I guess I really don't care. Except when my parents try to tell me its my fault that I don't know how to make friends. Now I graduated from high school and there were a few kids that I called friends although I don't know if they concider me as a friend since we never hang out or I didn't even go to their graduation party and they didn't come to mine. I want to change the usual way of me making friends only to lose them when they ask me to hang out and I say no but the problem is that I thought my self to live with out friends and to still be happy and now that I managed to live along college is here and my parents can't say I can't hang out with people or any of that however I don't even know what people talk about when they hang out or how to even hang out with people. and knowing that I paracticly had no life no friends and no peoples or social skills so far moving 356 miles away for college scares me if i'm going to end up with no friends and no idea what is going on. I hope I can get over it because I know I can it's just Texas Tech is huge and the people look very social.

susan

9/17/11 6:51pm

talk about it, email me. thanks

Loretta

10/17/11 2:27am

i have read all the comments and was wondering if anyone found a solution yet? My beautiful 13 year old daughter has no friends and is bullied and teased by a lot of the kids and ignored by the rest. She is quite and shy and her only friend is teachers, whom don't help in the situration , they keep telling me the same thing she is such a sweet heart but her shyness makes her an easy target. I was always shy at school also and still is but I always had a friend or two, she has only had one friend in her life and this friend would only be friends with her away from school and my daughter wasn't aloud to tell any one they were friends, I talked to her mother about it but of course she denied her daughter would be that way I even confronted the girl and she swore that wasn't true, but the last year this friend doesn't speak to my daughter any longer because my daughter don't dress right and has not had sex yet. Of course I am not happy my daughter now has no friend but I am glad she doesn't go to this girls house any longer cause it always pained me to tell my daughter she couldn't go over it was her only friend or at least sort of friend . But this girl now dresses in as little clothing as the school allows and not someone my daughter needs to be around . I really don't know what to do for my daughter, I have talked to the school and to our family doctor but if course our family doctor's daughter is one of the kids. I cry at night for my daughter and hate having to send her to school, her older sister had the same problem at school but she seemed to handle it better but my 13 year old is sensitive and takes every thing to heart. To top it all off we live 800 Miles from her cousins so she has no one. I was thinking maybe some of the parents on here might would like to start a pin-pal club for these children , maybe they at least could have friends to write to other kids that knows how they feel. What y'all think? I know my daughter would like it . Sorry about my spelling but it is 2:30 am and getting hard to see tiny little phone keys.

prisonerofsasskaban

11/30/11 10:45pm

Just reading through these and even though I've been feeling like this for over a year now it's not getting much better.

Up until eighth grade, I was pretty quiet and didn't have too many friends. I was in the same school from second to eighth grade and it was tiny, most of the girls in my grade were bratty (my town is mostly upper middle class and it has a rep for rich, spoiled people) but I made two close friends and I got along with most of the other people in my grade. My twin brother (and best friend) was in my grade from sixth grade on up and that helped a lot too. I didn't have many friends, but I was happy with the friends I did have and I don't remember ever feeling depressed or like I didn't have enough.

Within a month of the beginning of my freshman year of high school (I go to a private all-girls school), I had a huge falling out with my "best" friend, the only female friend I had ever really connected with. My other close friend, who was a guy and family friends with her, took her side and I haven't spoken face to face with him since October 2010.

My school is extremely cliquey and even though many of these girls hadn't even known each other for a month and a half they had already formed their groups and I felt completely alone. For about six months I settled into a routine of going to school, coming home, and crying in the shower so my mother wouldn't hear me and be worried.

Since my parents are divorced and my mom has had sole custody of my brother and I since we were six, I'm very close to her and she knew what was going on but I didn't want her to know how bad I felt.

I've never hurt myself, but over the past year I've felt like the only way to deal with things was to "end it all" or do something that would take some of the emotional pain away. I'm glad I've resisted all those urges because depsite everything I still love life, but they still come onto me suddenly sometimes.

During this time I did make one friend, even though I wasn't approaching anybody and sitting with girls from my elementary school (though I very rarely was in their conversation for even a minute or two), who came up to me and initiated a conversation and eventually I learned that for most of that year she felt almost exactly like I did. She ate her lunch in the library for the first few months of school and the day she told me that March was around when things started looking up for her (which was also the month I moved to her lunch table) I went home grinning.

However, until early January I was getting mean messages from my old "best friend", saying things like how she was always trying to shake me off in elementary school and if I hadn't been her friend she could have been friends with the group cliquey girls who made up the majority of our class.

I ignored her and even though I had apologized many times for the argument (which she started, but looking back I did overreact a bit. I don't regret it like I used to. It's better that our relationship fizzled out then than in our junior or senior year and having no one to turn to towards the end of high school.) she never forgave me. Now I can see what a bitter person she is, and even though a few years ago I was extremely jealous of her--she had nicer hair, and parents who were still together, and a bigger and closer extended family--it turns out she was always jealous of what I did have. And I'm so grateful I found that out when I did, even though it hurt and things that have happened because of our "break up" still do.

I still feel like if that argument hadn't happened, I could have made more friends. I was in a shell for most of last year and the acquantinces I had made stopped talking to me. But a lot of good things have happened to me, too.

Even though I'm being raised Catholic, and have always gone to private school, and got confirmed only a few weeks after all this started to happen, I'm so much closer to God than I used to be. I'm not going to say that this if for everyone, as not everyone IS Christian, but it's helped me so much.

The (amazing) girl who became my friend had to move to a town about two hours away towards the end of last year because her own parents got divorced and she's been taking depression meds. I haven't seen her since July but we still talk and I miss her a lot.

I still sit at the same lunch table with the same girls, but just at the beginning of this year I started to become friendly with one of them. I'm more of an acquantince to the other two but it's getting easier. None of them are the type of loud, always happy and popular type of girl that seems to fill my school but neither am I.

It's not really a problem of making friends for me. I've never really fit in with the stereotype of the typical teenage girl and I often don't know what to talk about with girls my own age. I love to read, money's tight and so my mom still buys my clothes, my family doesn't have cable, I don't go on Facebook anymore because it turns out most 'friends' on there aren't friends in real life at all, when I'm not happy I can't be all peppy and bouncy, I'm semi-geeky, I'm quiet around people I'm not comfortable with, I have frizzy hair, glasses, braces, I've never had a boyfriend, drank, or anything like that (and for a Catholic school everyone seems to have a lot of experience with those kind of things) and even though I'm told that I'm friendly and funny I just can't get close to people very well. My mom's always told me that from the minute I was born and she first held me she knew I was an old soul and I think I am more mature than a lot of kids my age. I know that a lot of the girls around me, who talk about what boys they hooked up with or what was going on with the Jersey Shore cast, are on their peak now, and part of me is happy that after high school I can leave and go to college and hopefully have more luck making friends there, a fresh start. But then I get to school and see girls laughing and hugging each other and wish that I could be happy now too.

In the middle of writing this increasingly long comment I went and had a good cry. Things are getting better, but it's a very slow process. I don't feel like school is school, I don't like going there every day and I don't feel comfortable at all. I often tear up in the middle of class and I don't know why. I know I'm lucky to have the few friends I do but I've never really felt like a normal teenage girl and it's nice to know that there are so many others out there that feel at least a little bit like this too.

I'm very grateful if even one person took the time to read all of this. I hope all of you (or you AND your daughter, if you posted about her) are doing better and are happy and have a great life.

:)

Bad experiences make you stronger. Don't give up because eventually it will get better, hang in there.

Gemma Green

1/15/12 3:59pm

All respect when i say this but it sounds like your daughter is a shit spreader :S I had a friend who was lovely and i honestly thought she was my best friend, but then she started lying and cheating her way to being 'popular' by making up stories that were completely unnecessary, because people already liked her. I'm not saying your daughter is the same because obviously i dont even know her and if your son has no friends either then im probably wrong, but you should check with them to make sure before her chances of ever being sociable go right out the window. Hope this helped.

Gemma Green

1/15/12 4:06pm

And when it comes to hobbies maybe she should tell people she plays guitar instead of classical guitar, because im sure thats what got rid of a few of her mates. And just tell her to get a push up bra and do wild things like have drinking parties and go to a club underage or something so people find her attractive and her stories interesting instead of just made up.

ira

2/ 3/12 11:44pm

Let me know if there is anybody from Orange County CA. I really would like some of the kids that live around the area to meet and start a nice group that they can get together and go to Disneyland or other areas where they can go and have fun.

VHSMOM

2/ 4/12 9:50pm

I think it is harder for me to experience than it is for my daughter. I wish I could protect her from the world. She is so alone. Only child. No friends that are girls. Boys are only her friends I think because they hope they can hook up (and some will probably succeed...unfortunately). She's insecure. I have no money to compensate for her loneliness. I wish we could escape.

Sue

3/16/12 3:46pm

I posted to this site two years ago when my 15 year old daughter had been shunned the by the majority of her classmates. I stumbled upon it again when I was cleaning up my computer bookmarks folders. Rereading these posts brought back some pretty bad memories, and I felt compelled to post an update. I wanted to share what transformed my daughter's life and without a doubt, saved her from years of unresolved self esteem issues.

During the middle of my daughter's sophomore year, we began visiting other schools with the intention of transferring her. She was depressed, she had no friends, and her grades were dropping. Our daughter visited three different schools, shadowing a student a each school for a day, primarily to get a read on the social environment, and whether or not she felt she'd be happier there. In her case, she felt a connection with the kids at a local Quaker (Friends) School. With nothing to lose and everything to gain, she switched schools at the beginning of her Junior year.

Before she started her new school, we LOVINGLY helped her to make some important assessments about her past experiences --- when she was a victim and when she was not. Not to get all Dr. Phil on you here, but she felt powerless over her life, and an important part in getting her control (and self esteem) back was helping her shed the victim mentality. Her father and I discussed with her what could she have done differently at certain times that might have yielded better results... this was really hard to do without her getting defensive and more upset, so we had to tread carefully here. She was so emotionally damanged and critical of herself, and the last thing we wanted was for her to feel worse. It was also equally important that she understood that she got a raw deal from this group of students and it was NOT her fault.

Fast forward a year and a half later - my daughter is now a second semester senior in her "new" school, and she is thriving! Great friends, grades, teachers..... There was a transition period when she first transferred, where she became very hostile. School was going well, but it she was experiencing what I'm assuming was a "post-traumatic stress disorder" reaction to the whole situation (having to change schools. etc). After a few weeks of seeing a good therapist, she was able to move forward, make a great group of friends and be happy! She still talks at times about how much she resents some of her ex-classmates, but that is diminishing more and more with time.

I know that changing schools is not always an option for everyone, in our case, it made all the difference. Sending love and positive thoughts for all who are dealing with this very difficult issue- "this too shall pass."

Navajo Balla11

3/21/12 8:31pm

to all parents

im a 16 year old girl a junior in high school and i have gone threw the same situation about not being able to keep friends. ever since i was little ive had friends that sooner or later threw me away like yesterdays dinner eventually i began to go from being an out going girl to a quiet smart girl i became tyerd of trying to get friends so i began to think that i souldnt be making friends because sooner or later ill be graduating and the people in my class will be long gone so whats the point right?

or so i thought . . i soon met a boy who changed my way of looking at things (no hes not my boyfriend) but anyways he taught me that my actions speak louder then words he realized made me relize that im a very talented young girl .

by the time i was a freshman i was a straight a student i was MVP for 3 years running for basketball and volleyball im on student council and soon to be a 3 year graduate im very happy because i no longer try to please my "so called friends" into being someone im not just make sure you tell you children that the only way you can make friends that will stay your friends is if they find a sport or hobby to do and you will meet so many people with the same intrest as you

hope i helped...

Dtgr15

6/ 1/12 4:29pm

Hello everyone, I came on the internet today looking for ways to help my 16yr old daughter, she is a sophmore in high school on her way to junior year. In elementary school my daughter had lots of friends. She played basketball and was a cheerleader. When junior high came she still made the basketball team but no more cheerleading she had began to gain weight. I always tried to encourage her and let her know she is beautiful and can do whatever she sets her mind to. I could tell she started to get excluded from her group of friends, not getting invited to birthdays parties and such. Her very best friend had moved about 40mins away when they were in 4th grade. They stayed close and she would visit alot during the summer. My daughters weight gain seemed to increase and I don't know why. She was active and I even had her thyroid checked. She has less and less friends now, and has started hangind around a whole new group that I dont know any of the kids. She didnt make the basketball team or volleyball team in high school so now she is less active. I try to find things that might interest her but she says no to just about everything and I am not sure how much I should push. She has no had a falling out with even her closest friend, her friend is coming this way no to hang out with people here that my daughter introduced her to and not coming to visit my daughter. My daughter is devasted by this. I am so sad for her and cant help feeling I failed her in someway. The one thing she had in High School was Student Assembly, that at least made her feel like she belonged to something in school. Well they voted today for next year and she didnt get voted in. I am so so sad for her and I know she is sad. I have a son who is a year older and very popular he made it yet again for his class and my daughter didnt. So bitter sweet I am happy for my son, but broken hearted for my daughter. I am worried she is going to fall for peer pressures more now that she is feeling all this rejection. She has been trying so hard to find a part time job to keep her busy and make some money. She isnt getting any call backs and keeps hearing about her peers getting hired here and there. She finally got a call for an interview but now no call back. I know everyone says to join things to get friends. But her own peers didnt vote her into the one thing she had left at school. I think its a shame that being part of Student Assembly is a popularity contest just like most things in High School. I just keep trying to tell her that real life isnt this way, and she will have such a different experience in college. I want to see her happy and feel good about herself. I havent been the strongest mother lately due to the very sudden and unexpected loss of my mother, this has taken a big toll on our whole family. I dont want to let my daughter down but I am not sure how to help. Please give me any advice you can. I am sorry to hear about all the teens struggling with friends and depression, if only people would treat each other better. I love what Ellen Degeneres at the end of all her shows, be kind to one another!!! I wish more people would....BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER

Emily Watts

7/ 4/12 10:25pm

Hey I cried reading your article. I can't believe someone is going through the same thing as us here. Its so upsetting to live this all the time and as a single mom so painful to not have any answers to help. Really I go every day trying to pretend everything is ok and as long as she tells me she's ok I feel better. I had lots of people I hung out with growing up and never stayed home but times have changed with bullying for years she trusts nobody so right away she builds a wall around herself so nobody can touch her or meet her. Its good sometimes because she tells me everyone is having sex and doing drugs. Shes' not interested in this so I guess she gets excluded from everything going on . Its painful to watch a good teenager be so sad because she doesn't have any friends and the boys seem to be after only one thing if they can't get it they aren't interested. Do we have to live in the next generation that if you aren't doing drugs and having sex you don't belong in society? please someone tell me this isn't so . Sometimes I wished I would have had another child so she wouldn't be so alone but its too late now. She will be volunteering in the local hospital soon I'm hoping this boosts her confidence. Cheers everyone.

lucy

7/ 5/12 6:01pm

Hi Emily, i first read this thread a year ago when i was going through the worst time with my daughter who had just left school to go to 6th form college. she lasted less then 3 weeks there because she felt she didnt fit in and, after being bullied at school, was looking for new friends but found college unwelcoming and full of cliques of friends who had moved on from school together. instead of seeing if things would get better she left and has home studied her a levels instead. now a year on and she is very isolated, the few friends she did have drifted away and she has found it difficult to find new ones, despite getting involved with choir and theatre groups.i feel so bad for her, she is so lonely and i dont now how to help. reading threads like this makes me realise that there must be loads of lonely teenagers out there, and there should be a way of connecting them. it is her 17th birthday soon and she has no one to share it with, which is so sad. i am just hoping that when she gets driving and doing work experience she will start to connect with people and make some friends. bullying seems to be at an epidemic proportion and peer pressure is unbelievable. i used to have a happy confident young teenager, who has been broken by the toxic society we seem to have evolved into. i hope your daughter enjoys her voluntry work and finds happiness in life.

sara

9/ 9/12 3:34pm

I have a lovely 15yrs teen daughter, she looks normal and pretty but she has a social difficulties
she has no friend to hang up ! she needs friends to hang up with, it's make me heart break and to much painful to see my daughter in tears sad and upset lonely !
We are living in London.
Plaese replay me if you are intersted to conect my daughter with your daughter.

my eamil is :

lastmoment1@hotmail.co.uk

saraofsorrow

3/25/13 12:58pm

I am 49 years old and also very attractive woman, have had lots of dates in my life. But just like your daughter, I have been shunned over and over, even by my own family. I have had people turn on me ofr no reason at all. I am a very kind person, so it is not that I do something mean. Just keeps happening. Now both of my daughter's the oldest 4 years ago shunned me then my baby the 17 year old she did the same thing 8 months ago. It nearly killed me and i have lost 40 lb's over all of this. My 29 year old son is still with me. Praise God. But I am beginning to think it may be a curse?!?! I have decided to look into other cases of good people being shunned. I have just rededicated my life back to God, I am praying that the Lord will break this nightmare.

My heart bleeds for your presious Angel, and I will pray for her.

Mary Sara

saraofsorrow

3/25/13 12:58pm

I am 49 years old and also very attractive woman, have had lots of dates in my life. But just like your daughter, I have been shunned over and over, even by my own family. I have had people turn on me ofr no reason at all. I am a very kind person, so it is not that I do something mean. Just keeps happening. Now both of my daughter's the oldest 4 years ago shunned me then my baby the 17 year old she did the same thing 8 months ago. It nearly killed me and i have lost 40 lb's over all of this. My 29 year old son is still with me. Praise God. But I am beginning to think it may be a curse?!?! I have decided to look into other cases of good people being shunned. I have just rededicated my life back to God, I am praying that the Lord will break this nightmare.

My heart bleeds for your presious Angel, and I will pray for her.

Mary Sara

My daughter has no friends

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