I can't stand my boyfriend, the father to our 7yr who has also been diagnosed with PDD NOS - which is disability - he's on the Autism spectrum. Anyway, it's that and that I don't have transportation, and myself that's stopping me from leaving, other then the fact that I also have no where to go. I would take my 7yr with me.. My boyfriend has tried suicide, he's cut himself. This was all done before I met him,, while he was living with his parents who didn't get help for him or didn't encourage him to get help in any way at all.. They did NOTHING!!! He also has a very low esteem, and so do I which I know doesn't help our 7yr.. This is the biggest issue is that he doesn't "man up", I guess you could say. I need a man, not to save me, but to support me, to stand up for me, and he's not. He's like a child that I'm taking care of ALL THE TIME. For years I would do everything - make sure the bills were paid, get the services we needed, find another apartment to move to, fill out the applications, talk to the landlords.. He lived with his parents until he moved in with me, he was 34!! Yea.. I know that was a big signal I refused to listen to because at the time I was at a very unsecure bad place = I just lost my job, my house, and my ex had left the year before,, I needed him to take care of me - and it totally backfired! I'm at the same place now only worse mentally. I never had anxiety attacks as extreme as I do now,, I never had episodes of crying over little things before. What scares me is that I will get really angry at him because he has no common sense. He asks stupid questions that the answer is right there in front of him.. Either he has a disability or has suffered some trauma, I haven't figured out. Sometimes to he wants it to be all about him and then I don't have time to take care of myself meet my needs and our son.. Another big issue is that he doesn't want more. Most people in our families have their own house, car, career and it doesn't even interest him. He was happy living with his parents - letting them take care of him - finding a job for him, paying car insurance, paying the bills!!!!! I'm like most women, I thought he would change for me. He would make me laugh when I needed to when we first got together, but nothings funny anymore. Another issue is his temper. He doesn't yell or rant rave, he keeps it all inside and I'm afraid he's going to let loose one day! In all the years we've been together he's never yelled, he's gotten angry but he doesn't express himself. He never has an opinion. I know he hates himself to the point of cutting, at least that might have something to do with why he did that.. I don't know. He may go to counseling but he works 8-4:30 and it would probably be every 2 weeks, a very slow process.. I want to better myself not take care of him... If anyone has any suggestions how I can get out of this please they will be very much appreciated..
I was re-reading my post and it's my 7yr who's been diagnosed with PDD NOS not his dad=my boyfriend.
Oh my
This does change my perspective quite a bit! I was thinking that if your boyfriend was on the autism spectrum...it might be difficult for him to do some of the things you want him to do.
So your son is on the autism spectrum and you are unhappy with your relationship with your boyfriend and you are not sure what to do.
Was there a breaking point recently to make you write this with such passion? What was the last straw for you?
I don't know your boyfriend or your situation but is it possible that your boyfriend has some sort of disability?
Sometimes we have to say...okay this person is not what I expected and then try to reconcile...with reality...this is the way he is. By putting so much power on him....you are taking away from your own power. It would be nice if he would be all these things you want and expect but...he isn't. So the question becomes...now what? I think it is time to start thinking about what you want to do instead of looking backwards about what you may have lost in this relationship. It might also be good to think about what you expect from a man in general and if that is realistic. You mention that you want a man to "take care of you." Can you look back at your childhood or early years to see where this need comes from? Do you want a man to take care of you financially? Physically? Does this mean nurturing? It might be good to take a look at...what it is you feel you need and why...and if this sets you up for healthy or unhealthy relationships.
I don't have any great answers other than...think of your son first. Communicate with your boyfriend what your needs are. If you are extremely unhappy you might want to begin planning for an alternate future. But in this future you do have to think of your son and how his needs will be attended to in all this.
Sorry you are going through this. Please keep talking and sharing. We are listening.
Hi Merely Me, Thank you for responding. I think the breaking point was when I lost my job a year ago my depression got worse and I started having and still have anxiety attacks that I never had before. Also, me realizing or connecting things to why I am where I'm at. Life has been such a long hard struggle with him (my boyfriends his name is Eric), things are better, a little, since he is working in that aspect but for me emotionally they are worse. An example,--Last night he came home from work and asked me "How was your day?" and I felt like throwing something at him!!! I've told him before NOT to ask me that because I'm home all day nothing happens. I may make some phone calls, it's a reality check for me - that I'm not going anywhere like this here. ( if I had a car things would be different, I'd have a job for certain = I had interviewed for one and they hired me but I couldn't keep because of no car!!!!!) I've wrote the disadvantages and advantages of staying with him and the disadvantages were more - my health was one and his intelligence/self esteem or lack of . I hate to be mean but it's a factor. On Sunday we went to my sister's. She brought out a game for us all to play - my older son was there, my sister's daughters, my 7yr old played also. At one point of the game a person chooses a card and reads from it. Everybody would do this except Eric. He would pick up a card and as he was doing so say "And the card of the day is" and I felt embarrassed because it didn't apply to the game. I know my sister thought it was odd. I have looked back in my childhood and realized I had no relationship at all with my father. When I was growing up my father and mother fought physically, and argued alot in front of me. My mother put me against my father. She told me he was "good for nothing". It was not mistaken that she hated him and it was ok for me to hate him too. I remember one time telling him he had no right to spank me. It wasn't until the year 2000 that I wasn't angry with him and started to realize it was wrong of my mom to do that. Now I realize how it's affected me having a healthy relationship. My father was in World War 2. He was only 18yr, over in Germany. Of course my mother minimized that, I cant remember what she said exactly. Now I realize how important a relationship with my father is and how it should have been.. I'm angry with my mom because she took that from me. My father had social anxieties because of the war.. Anyway, as far as Eric, I think of how it will be, if we separated,, for Alex (7yr). Eric and I have discussed parenting and discipline. He thinks Alex should be spanked. That was how he was raised. I totally disagree. I know if Eric takes Alex to his parents for a visit after we separate, Alex will be spanked,, if this hasn't happened already!! His parents know that Alex has been diagnosed, but they don't understand his symptoms. They think he has Asbergers,, and of course none of them look into more! I liked his parents when I first met them. I know they don't respect me or think that I'm intelligent because I'm with Eric. They treat him like a child.. What I'm thinking & hoping too, if I leave I won't be so tired and will take care of myself and Alex better.. I tried leaving him before and remember how good it felt to leave all his stuff behind. Things weren't so claustrophobic!!!! I need a car! As I'm typing this and I'm thinking,, I see no other way to be able to make it on my own without transportation and a job..