I need help....frustrated....

I am sinking again lately. I can feel it happening. Today is not good. I am trying to find help in terms of meetings but they are hard to find and it is frustrating to look for help and not find it. It is hard enough for me to even look for it as I really don't care enough about myself to do it and then when i do I seem to just run into walls. I live with my family since I came back from San Francisco and when I am around them I have to act like all is ok or I will not be able to stay here anymore. Performing that act constantly is getting harder and harder. I am sure this will not help either but at least typing out my emotions may help a little. Better than doing nothing right?

MR