Saturday I had a cold and felt miserable and wrote a journal entry for my care website.  I really felt like death would be preferable to life.  But when I get really depressed I lose all energy, resolve, will, focus, concentration . . .   I could never kill myself because if I had what it took to make and carry out a plan, I would not be that depressed.  It's just the way depression affects me (I first found out I was depressed not because I was sad or angry, although I did cry a lot, but because I was so forgetful).  Anyway, my cold got better, and Sunday I went to church and the Bible passages prescribed for the day seemed made for me.  God had asked Jonah to warn the people of Ninevah that because of their sin God would destroy their city, so Jonah --after trying to run away-- went to Ninevah and was successful beyond all imagination; he convinced the people that God would destroy their city and that they had been acting like jerks, so they were genuinely sorry and changed their ways, at which God forgave them and did not destroy the city.  Jonah, instead of being pleased at his own and God's and the people of Ninevah's remarkable success, was depressed.  He had to stretch to take the negative view--  having convinced the people that God existed and was serious about destroying Ninevah, now he felt that since God did NOT destroy Ninevah after all, he (Jonah) was a total failure and could never be believed again, so it would be better to be dead.  I can so relate.  The text we read on Sunday was the part where God called Jonah on this faulty thinking.  Then there was a psalm about how God is eternal and wonderful.  The next passage was where Paul is torn between wanting to be in heaven and wanting to be on earth, but chooses to be on earth in order to encourage others.  Finally, the Gospel was the story of the man who hires day-laborers in the morning for an agreed pay for a day's work, then goes back at noon and hires more, then goes back in the afternoon and hires still more.  At the end of the day, they are all paid the same --a fair day's wage.  Somehow, all these passages helped me understand that I belong here on earth, doing whatever God calls me to do and encouraging other people.  I plan to blog about this in my care site, but before that happens, on Monday, I get word that my beloved nephew has committed suicide.  His mom, my sister, is beside herself.  I feel horrible about the blog I wrote while I was sick (I have deleted it), and the one I have not yet written is no longer appropriate either.  I just want to be with my sister and her family, but I can't afford the trip, and I am worried about my own son (who just last January lost a friend to suicide).  I am grieving, confused, upset, worried, shocked, and I don't know what to do.  How can I comfort my family and reassure them that they really don't have to worry about ME?  (No, I'm not "fine", but I'm "okay" and I will be "okay", living --LIVING-- with depression.)  I want to be part of the support, not part of the problem.  What can I do?  What do I do?