I was reading a "Get Well" card at Walmart. It said, "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." I thought that was really inspirational and a great string of words but the thing is- it made me feel guilty. It made me question if I could just fling my depression off of me and go flying weightless off into the sunset. Take the pain away. I wondered if I really did have the strength.
Can you really feel any strength now? I feel helpless and weak yet tired of feeling sorry for myself. I've tried to get better. Now I'm tired of trying. But Hope is still clinging to me, no matter how hard I try to brush it away. As I'm writing this, I'm trying not to cry because my parents are in the room with me. I don't like to cry in front of them. I'm considering whether or not to talk to my school psychologist. I don't think I could take the weird looks from other kids when they see me leaving to see the psychologist (:-P) but I guess I'll just have to deal with it and try to brush it off.
Every day my friends ask me if I'm okay. How can I put it? I can't cry. I can't show any weakness or else I'll have to tell them. I would rather hold my breath then breathe and choke. I didn't know how I could go a day without crying. But now it's possible. Have I managed to channel that sadness somewhere else? I can still feel it bubbling inside of me, as real as the scars on my wrists.
Let me know when the pain starts to get uncommon.
Hi, Allyce. Yes, pain is inevitable, I'm not sure suffering is always optional. We are human and we do suffer, it's a matter of how much we let it run our lives. Sometimes that's harder to control when we're depressed. I hope you will go ahead and talk to the school psychologist. So what if people wonder. If they say anything about it, you can make up something, like you had some concerns about your grades or something like that - it's none of their business. I think you might feel some relief if you can talk about it and maybe get some resources or suggestions for handling it. I wish there had been school psychologists when I was your age, it might have helped. Please take advantage of the opportunity, okay?