Nearly 20 years ago, my 18-year-old son nearly succeeded in killing himself by hanging - in our home, while we were there. He was already being treated for depression but was not coping well and experiencing extreme rage over just about everything. He marched right past us with electrical cords in his hand and went to the basement, but we didn't react (because we had become so used to his outbursts) until we heard a crash and then silence. I went looking for him and found him in our storeroom as he was losing consciousness. As soon as I grabbed him, he awoke and immediately started crying and saying he was sorry. My husband helped get him down and we took him to the hospital, after calling his doctor. I think he did, indeed, feel very detached from everything, yet couldn't bear the emotional pain any longer. He was glad he didn't succeed, but he tried again about a year later by sitting in a running car in the garage. I didn't find out about this until some time later and I asked him what changed his mind and he said that the telephone rang. That, to me, sounds like he was in some kind of trance and under the influence of the depressive voice.
The good news is that he is still alive today and while life hasn't been easy, he has a son who brings him so much joy that I think what a terrible shame it would have been had he succeeded in killing himself, as he would have been deprived of his son's love and his very existence. I can understand a person feeling hopeless and thinking there is no other way out, but we don't have any guarantees that the pain disappears with death, only that those left behind will most certainly feel it.
Hi Judy,
Thank you for sharing what must have been (and still probably is) a devastating moment in your life. The fact that you were able to intervene and save the life of your son with moments to spare is something I can't even imagine.
My life has been touched by suicide, but thankfully in a professional rather than personal capacity. When I say 'thankfully' it's in a relative sense. Such moments are like a shadow over the shoulder. A professional relationship may not be as intense but a caring relationship is always a personal investment.
I attempted suicide 3 times in the late 90's. A lot of things were going wrong in my life at the moment. But the real "reason" I chose to attempt suicide was because I felt incapacitated: I couldn't make any more decisions by myself. And I thought I had to make them alone. Whether to quit my job, whether I was right to filed for divorce, whether to move in with my parents, could I make the mortage payment alone. I had been separated from other people for so long by a controling husband that I had lost touch with family and friends and felt it was only me and the dog. I guessed someone would take over the dog's care, but I felt like no one cared for me.
I had been depressed and psychotic for a long time, which didn't help. I was seeing a psychiatrist and therapist, but the medications and ECT weren't helping. I lost hope that anything would ever help and the only thing left was death.
Of course, two of those times, I regretted my actions as soon as I took an overdose and didn't really want to die. The other time, I had amnesia and was not aware of my actions and was only saved by a boyfriend who happened to drop by.
My therapist finally said: WAIT. THINGS CHANGE. And that was true. Situations change. Decisions change. Just wait and things will become bearable somehow -- you'll find someone to listen, or a medication will kick in, or you remember something you wanted to achieve, or someone you would hurt unintentionally.
That helped me a lot. WAIT. THINGS CHANGE. They do.
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Dear Jerry,
I agree with what you are saying about suicide but I feel that one has to have some experience of it to really explain aspects of it. Both my wife and I have attempted suicide twice and nearly succeeded but would not do it again because we have come to love life and appreciate our relationship.
I think the concept of suicide is very complex and why people commit suicide is even more complex. Both my wife and I could not go on (and this is before we met) because in the 70s or 80s there was little understanding of mental illness and no social recognition of it. Things are not much better today but improving a little. Both my wife and I did not understand our mental disorder and did not have any skills to control our mood or cope with any aspect of it.
I have known people to put up with a lot of stressful things in their life and then contemplate suicide simply because they had bought a lawn mower, or a petrol grass cutter, that did not function. While the problem could have easily been fixed by taking it back and getting a refund or another that worked, the person had totally lost their coping abilities and was now at the end of the road faced by a brick wall. There was no more room for any negotiation and the only thing this person could think of was to end his life. Fortunately, I was able to convince this person, via email, not to do anything stupid and to focus. I was lucky to have sent him an email just in time and eve luckier that he replied.
When people reach the level of their coping abilities there is a danger, especially if they suffer with a mental disorder.
We can imagine, in our society, how easily this can happen because our society puts all sorts of pressures on people, pressures that are often unreasonable. Then, when something really minor and insignificant happens, it may well be the final straw that breaks the camel’s back.
I think that it is extremely important to discuss suicide on websites and the more people talk about it the better it is so I think that this post is wonderful Jerry. But there are so many websites that consider the topic of suicide taboo for some strange reason. Hiding the topic will not do any good because we need to bring the problems out and discuss things so that we can help people to reason and understand the dangers. We need to face the monster in my humble opinion.
Hi Alfredo,
Thoughtful comments, as ever. I'm so pleased to read that you and your wife have found some balance in your life following such traumatic times. Thank you for sharing such sensitive information too. I hope it will embolden more people to talk more openly about similar situations. As you say, the more we share the less it becomes a taboo subject.