Sorry this is a bit long...but I think writing about it will make me feel better if nothing else. Any advice also welcomed!
My bf broke off the relationship last wednesday AFTER I repeatedly asked him if he wanted to break up but he kept saying no he didn't. To be honest I noticed a "change" in his demeanor since back in August. There seem to be quietness to his demeanor. Looking back I now see this could have been the onset to depression.
It all came to a head last week. Last Sat I went to his home to spend some time with him. The night was quiet, not much convo happening between us. Throughout the night he was very agitated/snappy for the simpliest of things like not been able to press the button on the remote control. When we were sitting on the sofa after eating, I asked him what's wrong he almost bit my head off. I stood up from the sofa and said I am going home, and told him it is fine. He said the reason he is behaving like this was because he had a cold (he has had reccuring colds for the last 5 months) and I am not exaggerating. I think it is connected to the depresion?
Anyway, I never heard form him again after I left last saturday night. By Tuesday I was becoming quite worried. I went to his home and it was in complete darkness, as a woman i began to wonder if he is cheating on me and he does not have the guts to end it. I tried phoning but he had his phoned switched off. I sent numerous txt messages but did not get a reply until late on Tuesday night. I never told him that i went to his home looking for him. I did not want to make him more angry/agitated than he already was.
He said he will call me at lunch time the next day, he never did. So the next evening I went to his home again, this time wanting to know why he has been ignoring me. When I got there he did not want me to come in, I thought he may have another girl in the house, but I demanded that he open the door and allow me to come in becasue I needed to speak to him. He looked really tired and unhappy. He said he just want's to be on his own and that I should leave his home immediately. I said that I needed to know/understand why he was acting like this, he said he is not feeling well and want to be left alone. I still would not leave. he said if i did not leave he will go and kill himself. This really shocked me so i went into the room to pack my stuff. I burst into tears on the floor so hurt by what he was saying to me. He kept apologising and said that he is sorry but he cannot be in a relationship with me because he is unhappy. I asked if he is no longer in love with me and he said that he cares for me but he is no longer in love with me. (There was something in his eyes that made me not believe this though) because all his actions over the last year and 3 months we have been together has said otherwise. I think he was saying anything to get me to leave at that point.
He also had all my stuffed packed and put away into a drawer, he said he is sorry for being a wimp that he had not told me before that he no longer wants to be in a relationship with me.
You are in a very sticky situation and I feel for you. I can't tell from what you write whether you are sure you bff is depressed or that is just what you think might be happening. You must care for him very much if you are willing to wait a few months to see what happens. I think your emailing him and offering support was a very good thing to do. I wonder though if you supporting him might change the relationship into something else. I think maybe you must be open to the possiblity that your relationship might change. Perhaps you will just wind up as friends. Until he is willing to open up about what is bothering him there is not much you can do. Forcing yourself on him will likely only cause him to push you away even harder. If you really care for him so much you want to give the relationship a chance you might have to just adopt a wait and see attitude. At least he said he will seek someone to talk to. Maybe things will work out. I honestly wish you all the best.
Hi,
He display all the signs of clinical depression. Execessive sleeping, not wanting to enjoy life anymoe, agitated, angry, not eating well, sleep pattern very erratic, constantly becoming ill with colds/flu's, keeps saying he is unhappy inside, wanting to be on his own, asking for space etc.
It is hard for me really because he is just dipslaying the signs but he has nopt been medically diagnosed. He has seen a counsellor and is going back for more sessions next week. He sais he finds it diffcult to talk to open o me about but feels he can to a therapist or someone that he does not know that well.
I have been doing alot of reading on the internet relating to depression and he ticks all the boxes. The ones that I have seen him display:- He keeps saying he feels unhappy/sad inside, excessive sleeping and feeling tired, agitated, angry, low enegy, keeps saying he does not feel well, loss of appetite, loss of sex drive, increased smoking, depleted energy, very negative about things he onced enjoyed, don't take compliments kindly, sighs ALOT, irritable, constantly calling himself fat, before on the weekends he will get up at 11am but lately he will be up as early as 5am on the weekends to watch television, withdrawl. These are the changes I have noticed.
I will wait and see but neither I am a person who would allow it to continue for too lon either.
I hope he finds closure on what is making him so unhappy.
I agree with the information from the previous writer. Prepare yourself, that when he starts talking again, the relationship may change, so do not be suprised. Right now he is not capiable of holding down a relationship, so it is not you at all. He is getting the help that he needs and that is all he is able to handle right now. You need to take care of yourself, and be positive about life. I am 52 and during a life time, you will care about and love many. It is just the natural order of life. When he gets better be that friend that he is going to need. Do not push for a relationship, try starting out as friends again, and then see where it goes. You are special person to care about him, and believe it or not he knows this. Take care of yourself!
sherry/smomdukes
When people say that the relationship may change what does this mean?
OK I am going to take a stab at this. In my opinion, and this is my opinion only. He may want to only be friends. He will probably need some time to make sure that his head is on straight. I would suggest that it be taken real slow. Now this is not to say that this is the gospel, so try and read the signs. You seem like a wonderful and caring person. You friend may need some time to get himself completely after this depression epsoide, so just prepare yourself. Never put all of your eggs into one basket. Take care, and be strong.
sherry/smomdukes
After spending so much time apart, there might be some awkwardness.But the less needy you seem the better. Deep down he still likes you more than a friend, and will think you are incredibly special, but can't handle the pressure of a relationship or talk of one. So as long as you keep the communication going letting him know you will always be there, and I actually asked my guy that the only thing I ask is that if he is going to be with anyone else in any way to let me know. I know he would never let me hang around if he were with someone else. I know it's not going to happen but I had to throw it out there anyway. What guy would choose someone else over someone so supportive? But I agree to take it slow if he does want to see you. You'll be walking on eggshells and it is going to take alot of rebuilding. This experience will change you both, he might come out of it and see how lucky he is to have someone supportive and loyal. It is up to you to not let resentment kick in over time. It is depression that is making his head messed up, he's not choosing to be this way.
Thx for your reply but I am not pushing him into anything.
I am aware that at the moment that he is not in the frame of mind to take on a relationship. Neither do I want to be in a relationship with someone who is depressed. I truly believe that he stands a better chance of fully recovering from this now that he is single. I prefer that we are now broken up rather than me hanging on as a "wait and see" situation. The way things are I have the power to CHOOSE to support him.
Right now i have decided that I would like to support him in the shadows because my heart tells me he is worth it.
One thing I have come to accept through all of this is that sometimes a depresed person makes choices becasue everything around them looks so bleak. You guys are right that he may come out of this and stick to his decision that us parting ways is what he REALLY wants. I am not putting all my eggs in one basket but theer is a big part of me that feels it is worth it to give him some time and support and the opportunity to make a clear decison on whether he really does not to be in a relationship.
You are a smart and wise person. He is very lucky to have you as a friend.
sherry/smomdukes
Thank you. I understand all he needs now is a friend and not a girlfriend to further put pressure on him to make a decision that cleary he is unable to do at this time. And in the process I am hoping I will learn something about myself. To be patient in life and not to become resentful or angry when things do not work out the way I want them to.
Good morning, I am sitting here laughing at myself. It is almost 7:00 a.m. and I am on the computer, they are calling for sleet and snow in my neck of the woods LOL LOL LOL
I have got to get a life, the dogs are eating and chasing each other around the house. You have a great day, and I am going to try and find a life
Best of luck, I know that you will be fine!
sherry/smomdukes