I hate it - the feeling of hopelessness..

By isanyonethere Monday, December 10, 2007

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I don't know, I just wish it would all go away. I feel up one day, down another, feel like I can do it all without a doubt,lonely,depressed,sad,tell myself one more day, this could be the last straw and end it all. This goes on and on each day I am not sure where I am or what I should do or be. I journal my thoughts with tears and saddness, so I take more pills or drink or try something to deaden the pain. It gets harder and harder each day.

I am alone and I have two grown daughters and two grandchildren. I don't want to burden them so I just go on. I go to my dr. and she ask questions and I tell her it is all ok. I know in the inside, it isn't. I am afraid if I tell her what is really going on, she will send me back there (hospital for depression). I just cannot take the chance.

My meds were making my mind cloudy, so the last 10 days, I have cut down the dose to see if it will clear the foggyness. My job performance is at risk. So, I lowered the dose and my hyperness is kicking back in and I am feeling sharper. I dont know. Maybe I should just stop all meds and see how I do. Maybe it is the meds that are making me feel so bad? I don't know. I just hate it. I wish I had someone to talk to who would understand. I don't know what the use is.

Comments (12) | Add comment

Kimberly Tyler, Health Guide

12/12/07 11:14pm

Dear isanyonethere,

Yes, others are here and we are listening.

Losing one's sense of hope is devastating. I can appreciate your feelings of wanting your feelings of hopelessness to go away. I have felt like there was no hope, felt lost, alone and cried way too much or tuned out about it. I also wanted to self-medicate (and did for awhile) but this got me nowhere even faster. I urge you to remember this is the depression talking. It is the illness hammering away at how you are feeling. There is reason to believe all your days will not feel like this one does.

Depression is insidious. It reaches into our minds and tells us we are wrong to burden others with how we are feeling. Depression is an illness that is treatable. I know you share you are afraid to tell your doctor how you are really feeling for fear she will send you back to the hospital. Have you thought about asking her about the medications you are on and how they are not as effective as before? Honesty may very well place you in a better position to combat this illness and does not always mean you will go back to the hospital. The desire to self-medicate is strong... I just urge you to remember you are dealing with an illness, and how you are feeling is as a result of this illness.

Because mental illness alters mood (as do the medications) sometimes we take this on personally (I know I have as a failure for not doing enough on my end somehow). For me, it took getting really honest with my doctor, telling him my fears (things I did not want anyone to know), and getting me onto different medication that worked for my illness. We worked out a plan together, and it worked. Thank goodness.

Please let us know your choices as the days go by. If you want to try a different medication, and feel like you want to give this new medication a chance to work, and if you trust yourself that you are not suicidal but just want the emotional pain to be alleviated, taking openly and honestly with your doctor will only be of benefit and again, it does not always mean hospitalization. If you are afraid of going back to the hospital, express your concerns to your doctor and together you and your doctor may formulate a plan that will work for you.

In my thoughts,

Kimberly Tyler

Carelyn

12/13/07 11:00am

Hi isanyonethere,

I have been depressed for a long time, and I think what people that are depressed really need is caring, supportive friends. I have taken almost all the medications there are, according to one psychiatrist, and I feel they have harmed me. I am trying to get close to God again because He is one of the few that will be there even when I am depressed. Almost everyone else runs the other way.

Carelyn

12/13/07 11:05am

Something that will help is to go and find someone else worse off and help them whenever you have the energy. It is scary being under psychiatric "care", because you never know when you could get locked up. I would say to confide in a friend that you know cares about you. Anyway, be glad when you are up and just relax, be, and enjoy life.

sadgirl

12/13/07 9:18pm

I understand everything in your post. I am right there with you. I am up and down, in and out from one day to the next. Please hold on and don't stop meds on your own. Let your doctor get you off them. When you feel desperate, go outside, look up at the sun and breathe deep. Please try this. It helps. You are not alone.

Jon

12/20/07 11:54pm

We are many my friend.Hang in and think well Ill probably feel better tomorrow. DONT drink.It just screws with the meds,beside your whole physiology.Also remember spring is comming and this is the worst time of the year for depression,but the days only only get longer from here.

Jon

marlena20

12/27/07 1:50pm

i know how you feel.i take 3 antidepressants and im worse.i dont know what to take any more.i want to cut back but im afraid of my anxiety.it is horrible!why do they have all these meds.and all i hear are they have to keep changing them or adding more!

Didi64

12/29/07 2:02am

I can relate to a lot fo what you're saying. I have the feelings of hopelessness and also not wanting to burden anyone with what I'm going through. I don't want to bring anyone down or make them want to run away from me either. I've seen a therapist twice so far and am supposed to make another appointment when I'm ready. He told me I'm emotionally exhausted (for many reasons) and I need to learn to relax. He promised, if I'd make another appointment, that he could teach me relaxation techniques that would calm me down in any situation and I really would like to learn to do that. I tend to get upset rather easily the past few years and then a few months ago, the wave of depression hit me like a ton of bricks. I've been "blue" before, but always managed to get through it on my own. Now, I feel weak, fragile and powerless. I've become almost a total recluse, only getting out when I absolutely have to and believe me, it's an effort when I do. I do have the support of my husband, daughter, brother and parents, but I can see it in their eyes and faces . . . they're worried about me. I've lost interest in things that used to bring me joy, have diffuculty doing even mundane things around the house that used to be almost automatic and have lost too much weight because I just don't feel like eating. My family keeps encouraging me and tell me I WILL get better. I believe I will, but just wish I knew when. It's a slow process, but I've seen people come out of depression, with and without the help of meds. I tried Wellbutrin, but gave up after only a few days because it made me jittery and nauseated. Maybe I'm just one of those people who can't tolerate antidepressants and may have to rely soley on talking things over with my therapist and family. I just want you to hang in there, please! I've started praying faithfully again (something I've been slack on for quite a while) and I know God is listening to me. I believe He answers prayers, although in His own time. I will also pray for you now. I know and understand a lot of the pain and darkness you're experiencing and I believe there is hope for you. May our Lord comfort you as only He can and carry you when you're not strong enough to do it on your own. I'm here, praying for you. God loves you and so do I.

Didi

Jin

1/ 1/08 11:02pm

I hope you will get your doctor's help in going off meds. Sometimes it does feel good to get it all out of your system, but it can be difficult, so do it with care please.

You are not alone at all. It can certainly feel like it, but there are many of us here. My suggestion would be to just let the good spots carry you. When I started journaling Only the good things, the things I appreciated, I felt better.

here now always

1/ 2/08 1:46pm

sorry to hear about the crap you are going through

it really is worth hanging in there with your meds

give them a chance to work.

side effects will often pass with time...zoloft used to make my hands shake but not anymore.

the meds are quite different in effect and side effect

cipramil and ??? gave me such bad indigestion i could not continue with them

zoloft has served me well for about 13 years

good luck with your search - for the perfect combo

sondra

1/ 9/08 4:22am

i think there a whole lot more people who feel like you do, including myself.

first of all DO NOT try to stop taking your meds "cold turkey". that is very dangerous! but, try to keep your head up, even tho some days, you dont want to even get up out of bed, (at least I feel that way), and the best advice I can offer you is to Pray and have Faith the Good Lord! He will never let you down!

Cathy Holden

1/11/08 8:33am

I do know what you are going through. Have you considered going on natural food and supplements? That and God's intervention is what saved my life about 6 years ago.

My depression/anxiety started right after my first child was born (27yrs ago.)

Diagnosed of course as "baby blues" and told it would get better.

But it didn't.2 yrs later my second daughter was born and it seemed to increase daily.

I had a partial hysterectomy when she was 2 (I was only 36) and had a

wonderful reprive from the depression symptoms for awhile,

but then it all came back with a vengence!! Finally, my doctor had a complete hormone/chemical workup done on me and the results showed I was already "post-menopausal" and was suffering from chemical depression.

To shorten the story...I ended up on antidepressant, stomach medication for irritable bowel, Premarin for hormones, and had to almost live on sinus medications due to chronic sinus infections and headaches...so you can see I was a mess. I took all this for 8 years, felt numb and just existed during that time...never really feeling happy and energetic as before. I too cried out to God for an answer, then it came. I meet a young lady who had studied natural medicines and homeopathic remedies for her own health issues. She gave me a book (Overcoming Depression Naturally) worked up a custom "prescription" of supplements for me and told me to go off of all processed foods...sugar, white breads, can foods, soda etc and to eat as much natural food and protein as I could. But she told me not to go off my meds until I had been on the naturals for at least 2 months. I started on this right away and within two weeks began feeling like a different person. My hopelessness and thoughts of just wanting to be out of the pain went away almost immediately. I took it upon myself to go off the meds all at once, and did so without any bad withdrawal issues! And haven't had to take them since.

Here's what I found out. The supplements actually heal and put back into balance everything that our environment and our daily abuse messes up. And the natural food diet helps keep it in balance. God didn't create our bodies to eat and drink what we do today. It's like putting the wrong fuel in a machine and expect to continue to run efficiently. It's been wonderful! I now have natural ups and downs from day to day. The only thing I regret is not trying it sooner. I hardly remember my girls childhood because of my depression. But the last 8 years have been the best years I can remember.

Now I am very aware that this may not work for everyone. But I have seen others in my family try it and it has also worked for them. Even if you can't go off the meds, you should try the natural food diet...it can work wonders to help cleanse your body so the meds can work better.

God bless and don't give up. God put you here for a reason, you just need to find out what that is and let Him walk through it with you.

Helen

1/17/08 1:32pm

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I know what you mean. I'm overloaded with meds that take me another direction. Without my meds I'm crazy, with my meds I'm a zombie. I don't know which way to turn sometimes. I would be concerned about you quitting your meds all together. That could be bad news. Also, you need to talk to your Dr. and maybe your kids. It helps to have a loved one standing behind you. If it weren't for my loving husband, I would be in trouble.

I hate it - the feeling of hopelessness..

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