I don't know, I just wish it would all go away. I feel up one day, down another, feel like I can do it all without a doubt,lonely,depressed,sad,tell myself one more day, this could be the last straw and end it all. This goes on and on each day I am not sure where I am or what I should do or be. I journal my thoughts with tears and saddness, so I take more pills or drink or try something to deaden the pain. It gets harder and harder each day.
I am alone and I have two grown daughters and two grandchildren. I don't want to burden them so I just go on. I go to my dr. and she ask questions and I tell her it is all ok. I know in the inside, it isn't. I am afraid if I tell her what is really going on, she will send me back there (hospital for depression). I just cannot take the chance.
My meds were making my mind cloudy, so the last 10 days, I have cut down the dose to see if it will clear the foggyness. My job performance is at risk. So, I lowered the dose and my hyperness is kicking back in and I am feeling sharper. I dont know. Maybe I should just stop all meds and see how I do. Maybe it is the meds that are making me feel so bad? I don't know. I just hate it. I wish I had someone to talk to who would understand. I don't know what the use is.
