I can remember being as young as 6 or 7, in first grade, and not being happy. I can remember being jealous of my sister who was carefree and friendly. I can remember thinking it was so hard to do the right thing, say the right thing, have the right thing. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I just thought I was wrong. Personally, all about me, was wrong. And I thought, I have to change myself.

As I got older these feelings got worse. As a socially awkward teenager, this does not make secondary school easy. Luckily, I wasn't teased or harassed or picked on. But, I was ignored. I was nobody. Again, this was my fault, my flaw, my personality. And it was something that I thought I had to change about myself.

In all of this, I have to say that I was never told these things. Never beaten or abused. My family life was perfectly normal. I just felt like I didn't fit in.

The anxiety didn't start until college, really. The first 2 months I lost 20lbs. I couldn't eat or sleep. I was a mess. I went to the counselling center and was told it was just your average homesickness. Which I believed. And felt somewhat validated for. Except that it didn't make the feeling go away. Eventually I was able to establish a routine and the anxiety drifted into the background somewhat.

I wasn't diagnosed with dysthymia until I was 26 years old. Even then (and now) I have a hard time believing this issue isn't some character flaw that I could change "if I really wanted to." It's difficult to reroute your brain after you've told yourself for 20 years that you could be better if you tried.

I've been on 3 different meds. First Celexa, which worked ok and was prescribed by my GP when I told him I was "irritable." Next, I visited a psychiatrist, who prescribed Effexor, but seemed to not particularly care what symptoms I was having or how I was feeling. (which was increased jumpiness and not much better) When changing psychiatrists I was given Lexapro, which like Celexa has worked relatively well in helping me not feel the need to lay in bed all day.

But herein lies the rub. How, I asked my doctor, will I know if its working. And he told me that I'll just know. And while I can say that Lexapro is working, I don't feel this burden lifted off my shoulders. And so now, we're into the combinations and Wellbutrin XL has been added.

My effects with SSRI isn't very extreme. I don't usually get extreme side effects with any of these prescriptions. Which, although I'm extremely grateful for, also leaves me wondering if any of them are doing much good. Sometimes a little discomfort is needed for a change.

As for me. I'm single. Live alone with my cat. Recently moved. Changed jobs. And still feel like my life is incomplete (and that it might never be, which I may be coming to terms with). I've never fostered a real relationship with anyone outside my family and a few close friends. I have a difficult time making myself vulnerable. I do love hanging out with the friends and acquaintances I have, but I do have an enormous wall that prevents them from knowing me "too well."