I am a 43 yr old white male, and by telling my real age that is a first, I really can't believe I'm 43!! For 8 years now, almost 9 I've lived my life in virtual isolation.  9 years ago I had a thriving business in Manhattan.  I traveled around the world in Luxury, I had a CPW Manhattan Apartment I shared with my partner and on the outside things looked to be fantastic.  But they were far from it.  

I've suffered from a form of severe depression since the age of 13.  I've been on almost one type of anti depressants for as long as I can remember, nothing has ever made a difference. I thought I would have found that happiness in money and power but I didn't.

My story is a long one, too long to even post in one sitting. At the end of my Senior year while at Tulane University in New Orleans I attempted suicide, I fully intended on dying that night as I took all the med's I had which had been prescribed to my by my Psychiatrist, plus a LOT of liquor as i had been out partying that night hard.  I took the drugs, lied down, and didn't wake up until about 24 hours when one of my then friends woke me by knocking on my dorm room door.  Later that week, I told my Doctor about what happened, and I asked, How long do you think it will take for me to get my life in order, he said about a year as an In-Patient.  I said to him, find the best place in the Country and I'll go there.  He did, and off I went to The Austen Riggs Center in Stockbridge MA,  where I stayed not one, but two years.

But during that 2nd year there I DID start to feel better, I was taken OFF all med's, and maybe that was the key, because for about 2 more years i felt GOOD about myself.  I had the energy and motivation to go to Manhattan on my own, I moved in with my friends from Atlanta who had moved there as well. (I grew up and currently now live in an ATL GA Suburb) I really worked hard at my career, and it all paid off.  But somewhere down that road things started to go terribly wrong.  I can't pinpoint a single incident on what caused this, maybe it was alcohol?  I thought so and started to go to AA meetings.  I can remember my sponsor telling me, if you don't feel better after being totally clean from all drugs and alcohol for 30 days, then go back to drinking. Well I observed the rules, (maybe I didn't do the work, but I didn't have a single drink or drug for 30 days straight)  I didn't feel better so I started to drink again.  Not in a big way, more of in a social way but still I guess I would drink daily.  I started doing Coke, more and more, this all is around the mid 90's now.  I again remember going out on the town for a hard night of drinking and drugging and I remember going home and feeling REALLY DEPRESSED, So depressed I took an entire bottle of some serious anti depressants along with a bottle of Valium that would have killed me had I not called my parents and told them goodbye, only to have them call NYC 911 and have the paramedics come to rescue me.  I stayed on a respirator for almost 30 days, then 30 days longer after I was taken off the machine in Roosevelt Hospital and after some HARD PRESSURE from my doctors and family, i went on the psych unit for another month.