Need advice on supporting my friend who is experiencing severe depression

By Trueblue72 Monday, May 19, 2008

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My best friend is suffering so bad and I feel completely helpless and I don't know how to take his pain away and it is killing me to see him like this. Nutshell: been off meds for a year & 1/2 due to the complete 'nothingness' feelings that came with it. Last year, his depression was managable in the sense that he had several 1-2 week 'funks' but w/a few months at times in between when things were good. Now, for the past couple months, there is barely a good day. Uncontrollable crying all the time. I finally got him to go to a therapist 2 wks ago because he knows he needs help and wants so bad to feel good finally. I even went with him as support and to share some things in case he forgot. I was so proud of him, and he went back alone the next week and the beeyatch didn't remember a word he said, didn't look at a note, nothing. It was SUCH a huge set back. I want to kill her, because now he doesn't want to bother going to someone else again, as that wasn't his first bad experience, and he is very anti-meds. I try so hard to be as supportive as I can, let him know I'm there any time day or night, to talk/listen, just be with him and not talk...But now he won't even answer his phone. It's so bad now, he hasn't gotten out bed all weekend. Literally. He did meet me and my kids at the park yesterday but couldn't even respond back to them when they hugged him. I brought him groceries today in case he couldn't leave the house again because he's been literally sleeping his waking hours away so he doesn't have to deal and not eating in the mean time. It's like the person he sees in himself vs. the person I see in him are 2 totally different people. I see someone who has been thru hell but still managed to do so much w/his life, so incredibly talented and smart, with so much potential, and all he sees is this failure full of regrets, and he is so stuck in the past and in the way he judges himself that he can't even fathom moving forward. But I know if he took any of several realistic small steps (related to his side business/music) and started to see small successes, it would help his self esteem. I offer to help and truly want to, but can't get him to grab on to my hand to pull him up and make a move. I feel this need to get him to see in himself what I see in him, somehow. But at the same time, as much as I know I'm trying to help him, I feel like i might be hurting somehow in the mean time by maybe not saying or doing the right thing. (Although I've read lost on what not to say and I think I've pretty much not said any of those things because I'm much less ignorant now than I once was about this disease). My heart is just broken for him and I don't know what to do. I would appreciate any advice anyone might have to offer.

Comments (7) | Add comment

Merri Ellen Giesbrecht

5/21/08 1:37am

Your patience with your friend is wonderful. You simply must continue to care for him and let him make his own mistakes yet encourage him with your words and deeds and never, never give up on him. Ask him good questions to talk about his emotions. Take him on fun trips to get him outside and get exercise.

Most importantly, don't let his negativity drag you down. If you start to feel down, be sure to get other positive people around the both of you. Introduce him to other optimists to help you carry the load of his negativity.

Encourage him in hobbies and rest. Don't harp or whine or nag him, simply and gently guide him down a positive path always keeping your own mindset in check. You may never cure him. Only he can come to the realization of his outlook on life - on his own.

Just never give up. I thank God for those who didn't give up on me.

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." - M. Proust

The two top things are his eating habits and exercise. Take him to a nutritionist. He may also have a food allergy which commonly causes depression these days.

JENNIFER TURNER

5/22/08 9:28am

HI, I THINK THE PERSON THAT COMMENTED BEFORE ME JUST ABOUT SAID IT ALL. ONE THING I KNOW IS WHEN I AM DOWN IN THE PIT, I AM SO BAD THAT I STAY IN BED,DONT EAT RIGHT, I DONT WANT TO SEE MY FAMILY, AND I HAVE ABSOLUTLY NOTHING TO SAY TO ANY ONE. MY BED IS MY SAFE PLACE..MY HIDING PLACE...I AM LUCKY THAT MY FAMILY UNDERSTANDS..NOW..THEY DID,NT FOR YEARS..AND THEY WOULD TRY TO GET ME TO GO SOMEWHERE AND I JUST WANTED TO BE LEFT ALONE IN MY MISERY. I REACHED MY BREAKING POINT OVER 2 YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS AT MY DR. FOR A CHECKUP. SHE ASKED ME HOW I WAS AND TO MY AND HER SURPRISE I BROKE DOWN IN TEARS. SHE ASKED ME SOME QUESTIONS, AND SHE PRESCRIBED ZOLOFT 50MGS. AND WANTED TO SEE ME IN A MONTH...WHEN I WENT BACK I WAS LIKE MY OLD SELF. SHE THEN PUT ME ON 100MGS. AND ZOLOFT IS THE ONLY ANTI-DEPRESSANT DRUG THAT HAS EVER HELPED ME. BE THERE FOR YOUR FRIEND, AND LISTEN VERY CLOSELY TO WHAT HE SAYS...IF YOU THINK HE MAY WANT TO HURT HIMSELF, THEN YOU TAKE ACTION TO PREVENT IT IF YOU CAN. HE IS SO VERY FORTUNATE TO HAVE YOU. SO MANY PEOPLE REALLY DONT HAVE ANYONE...YOU SOUND LIKE A GREAT FRIEND, SO HANG IN THERE WITH HIM BUT ALSO TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF...GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS YOU BOTH....JENNIFER

Lene Andersen

5/22/08 1:12pm

You are in a very difficult situation and I give you a lot of credit for hanging in there with your friend. I, too, have a friend who suffers from depression. It is currently controlled and she's getting better every day, but we went through a real rough patch similar to your situation. My friend told me later that my being there during the hard times meant a lot to her, so just being a friend is helping already. The good news is that your friend wants to get better - that's a big step forward.

Doctors and counsellors are people and as such, we don't always click with everyone. Sometimes, you have to "interview" more than one counsellor to find someone you can relate to. Unfortunately, when the person seeking help is as fragile as your friend currently is, it's hard for them to build up hope again after being so discouraged by the first experience. Keep encouraging him, keep talking to him about finding someone else. Do you know someone who might know a good counsellor? Sometimes, word-of-mouth can be helpful in separating the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.

Re: medications. I have rheumatoid arthritis and have to take medications in order to live my life they way I want to. I did a lot of talking with my friend about a disease being a disease - it doesn't matter which part of your body is wonky, the autoimmune system in arthritis or the brain chemistry in depression. Nobody expects me to manage without my medication, nobody expects a diabetic to control their blood sugar by willpower alone and depression is like that, as well. Unfortunately, there is a belief in our society that we should be able to pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, apply a bit of stiff upper lip and that's all it takes to control depression. Which, as you know, isn't true. Again, keep talking to your friend, keep normalizing the disease as just another illness. Tell him there is hope, that is as possible to find a way out of the darkness. You might also be able to find additional resources on the Internet - there are quite a few people with chronic depression who blog and talk about their experience on their websites. Knowing you're not alone in experiencing the symptoms can be a big help. There may also be support groups or organizations in your community for people who have mental health issues.

Tom Ruth

5/22/08 1:19pm

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with the rest of us out here. Wow, your description of what he's going through would describe my own situation EXACTLY- only the name would change as they say.

I've lived most of my adult life with the "black dog", with it worsening in the last few years- most likely the result of additional "triggers" and further emotional trauma as well as hitting my mid-40's and still trying to "house train" him! As men we are especially hit hard by depression because we have been conditioned to be the "strong ones", "rock solid", blah, blah, blah- and be able to shake-off pain and setbacks- which are all lies straight from hell. They are however our perception, which becomes our reality over time.

Your understanding and supportive attitude will help him much, as I can tell you really care for him. It also sounds like you're seeking to educate yourself DEEPLY on the matter- which is more than some folks will do. Unfortunately in my own experience, whether from fear or the inability to process the whole mess (and BOTH are totally understandable responses)- I am left without much of a support person in my "significant other". Frustration leads her to say things such as,"You're not trying hard enough to fight this", and most of the time simply pretend that the "dog" really isn't there. As only the seriously depressed person knows, we often don't have the WILL to fight anymore, especially when the condition is chronic and resistent to treatment. The rsponse to the hugs from your kids the other day tells the whole story. He's so detached from life that he can't feel love from anyone at the moment, and a lot of guilt goes along with that realization unfortunately.

The best advice I can offer is to have him hook-up with another victim so he can "vent" and share his great burden with someone in the same situation- if he is able to find the strength to do so. If doing this in person is too threatening for him, then ask him to find an internet or phone buddy to talk to when he is so inclined. Again, as men it is akin to torture for us to sit in a room with other men, stare them in the face and share our deepest feelings. We can usually ONLY do so while totally engaged in another "guy" activity, or perhaps via internet or phone with a total stranger, whom we know we will never meet and could easily break-off ties with if things get too threatening. I'll be praying that God presents just such a person to him somehow, in the meantime.

It will also be VITAL for him to try again with the meds, as there are so many different options/ combinations/ dosages that he possibly just hasn't stumbled on the right one yet. I live in a large city of over 700,000 people, but which is TERRIBLY underserved by Psychiatrists. In fact, there are less than 15 here at my own last count, and most aren't accepting new patients, and the rest are cold, incompetent quacks from my past dealings. I was blessed enough to have found one who at least half-way cares about me and is willing to listen to my input, which is important. Again I pray for success in that arena as well.

Hang in there for him as best you can, because it means the world to us to see that our loved ones are FIGHTING for us when we can no longer do so on our own. Depression is also obviously "cyclical" in nature for reasons I've yet to learn (diet? brain chemistry variations? phases of the moon?). Milk the good days for all they're worth, and give him all the grace and space you can muster on the bad days. When he has the strength to fight back, get him to the doctor and try to get him to reach out to his aformentioned "buddy".

I am currently trying to find a way to totally rearrange and reorganize my life so I can work and function as normally as possible on the good days, and allow myself the flexibility and honesty to just hibernate with a good book or do some other non-destructive activity on the bad days. It remains to be seen if I can pull that off since I must live from paycheck to paycheck just like everybody else, but I've accepted the fact that realistically I may never find the right meds to "cure" me. Barring a miracle (which God is VERY capable of doing, but may not be the best course of action when I look at the "big picture") depression is something I may have to live with and try to "manage" as best I can for the rest of my life.

You also need to find yourself someone you can lean on and "vent" to when things get too crazy for you to handle. I would recommend another female because of the danger that lies in sharing such vulnerability with another man, and the propensity us men have for taking advantage of such situations (just keeping it real...). Your guy doesn't need you to be a martyr for him, so PLEASE take care of your own needs during the battles that lie ahead. Be there for him and do your humanly best and God may just kick-in with some non-human intervention and healing so all of the rest of us can see what He is capable of when we have few options left. Good luck and thanks again for sharing.

James Player

5/23/08 1:47pm

Just remember, with God all things are possible. The way to help your friend is to transform your mind thru Jesus Christ. Trust me, take the leap of faith. You and your friend won't be sorry. You will be amazed. And that "nothingness" will cease. I wish you well and will keep both of you in my prayers.

rev soc bloem

5/26/08 12:39pm

Your best friend is suffering from a disease that is one of the worst known to mankind.

He is anti medications. This is not good because medications will help him get to the problem of a brain chemistry that is not working.

I think you should try to find another person who suffers from mental illness.

Many times therapist are invalidating and condescending. But I would not kill any body, just side step them.

He is at a stage of his illness where he is incapacitated

and someone has to link him to the treatment.

His will is greatly weakened because of his mental illness. It sounds like he should go into a psychiatric hospital. I have been hospitalized three times and it is traumatic.

But perhaps he could visit a general practioneer who could prescribe an antidpressant.

This would be a good start for him. My wife Robyn and I have written a book called Broken Minds Hope for Healing When You Feel Like You're Losing It. (c2005) Grand Rapids: Kregel Publications.

She writes a piece and then I write and we keep the cycle going.

It You can do a google search. It has been very helpful to people who are depressed.

Please visit our web site also, http://www.heartfeltmin.org/ or email me at bloemsteve@yahoo.com. We are a non-profit agency.

Sincerely

Rev. Steve Bloem B.A. M.M.

Director Heartfelt Ministries

Grand Rapids, Michigan