I'm new at this.

By cryforhelp Friday, October 16, 2009

- A
- A
- A

I am severely depressed, I think, maybe bipolar. Sometimes I think I'm schizophrenic. All I know is that I get extremely happy and euphoric, followed by feelings of worthlessness. I love my boyfriend but sometimes I hate him. Same with my family and some of my friends. I'm capable of loving or loathing most things. I'm still in touch with reality, but there are times when I feel like I'm slipping. I'd like to thing that suicide isn't going to be what ends my life, but the further I get into these negative episodes the more I think it wouldn't be too bad if I died. Not for the attention, but for the sake of making life easier on everyone else. Without me, (sometimes I feel this way) the people around me would have no burdens and society in general will benefit from it. My death wouldn't have to be a tragedy, just the only gift I have to give the world.

I did it!

Comments (5) | Add comment

Judy

10/16/09 4:14pm

Hello, there. Sorry you're going through such turmoil right now. Can I ask how old you are? Also, have you been to see a doctor and gotten a diagnosis? If you haven't, it might be a good idea because there is help for depression and bipolar, you don't have to just bear it. And please don't think that suicide would be a gift to the world - you would leave the people who care about you with a pain that would never completely go away. And maybe you would still have your own pain, depending on what happens to us after we die. I'm glad you reached out here, there are a lot of good people on this site. In case you find yourself in a crisis, here are a couple of numbers you can call for help:

Call 1-800-SUICIDE / 1-800-784-2433

Call 1-800-273-TALK / 1-800-273-8255

Please let us know how you're doing, you aren't alone.

Merely Me, Health Guide

10/16/09 4:47pm

Hey there

I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. It sounds like you really need someone to talk to. Do you have any supports? Friends or family you can reach out to? I am glad that Judy has given you some hotline numbers. I have used these numbers myself...the people do help a lot.

When you are depressed...your mind makes you think untrue things...like that people would be better off without you. But this is totally not true! I know that you just want to end the pain but if you stop living the pain goes on...it will live on with each and every person you leave behind. It sounds like a cliche but there is always a tomorrow and there is always the opportunity to feel better.

Please do not give up hope. It is possible to feel better.

Could you call your local mental health agency and try to see a therapist or counselor? I think this will help. You don't have to do this alone.

Keep talking to us...tells us more about what is going on and we can try to give you support.

Stay with us!

curlygirl2459

10/17/09 8:12am

Sadness is such an addictive cloud that can hang over us for a long time or maybe just a little while. I don't know how old you are, but you seem very young and I know this sounds so cliche but you have so much to live for. You may never know who you could become, many famous people were ready to take there lives and something good came out of it...so please hang in there, we hardly know you and we care!! When you harm yourself, its permanent, you can never go back...so keep chatting with us...we are here for ya. curlygirl2459

Marishka

10/17/09 9:09pm

Hi cryforhelp:

You are young- depression can get better even when it seems it cannot. I think your death would sadden all the people around you. You have wonderful qualities unique to yourself that are still there like you said you can see when you feel happy. I got depressed when I was 19, did not receive treatment until I was 40 because I thought there was no hope, I was not worth it, etc. Don't wait, you are worth it and there is help...

Your thoughts are negative about yourself because of the depression and chemicals in your brain I believe. There is help though. You can feel better. I felt better in a treatment program I was in- all my negative thoughts went away and I began to like myself again and appreciate that I could cook people a nice meal, give them a cup of tea, a listening ear, compassion, kindness and many other things. You have many wonderful qualities as well, all unique to you and no one else has them. The world, you, your family will benefit when you find your happiness again....Depression is hard but there is hope...things change for the better. My suggestion..be good to yourself no matter how you feel...do one or two nice things for yourself every day....try to get a little exercise or time outdoors everyday if you can....and celebrate any tiny little thing you did each day even if it is just taking a shower and feeding your dog...your dog(is it yours?) is lucky to have a nice home with you and an owner who loves and cares for him or her...this is a wonderful quality you have... to love an animal and I don't know you at all! Hang in there, you are worth it!

Sending you good thoughts and best wishes

Marishka

cryforhelp

10/19/09 8:51am

I'm feeling a lot better today than I did when I put up my first post. It's embarassing to read how freaked out I get when I'm in that kind of mood. I know that I don't have to live with depression. Any time I'm in a good mood, like now, I know that everything is going to be okay. I know that no one would benefit from me dying, and suicide is simply no way to solve a problem. When I'm happy I can get up and be productive without stressing over life in general. I think good thoughts, which I've been encouraging myself to do as much as I can. Sometimes I make lists of things that I like about myself and my friends and my boyfriend so I can read them when I get in a bad mood.

The most supportive people in my life live far away or are too busy with family to be there every time I need it. But just knowing that they think about me helps. My boyfriend is supportive of me. He used to always make me feel better. We've been living together for a while now, so he's seen me through my ups and downs. Unfortunately, it's hard for him to understand why I'm down or that when I'm up, it's just the temporary equal and opposite reaction of my bad moods. I can't blame him for not understanding, because I have no idea what's going to set me off and make me uncomfortably sad or unnaturally happy. It's getting hard on him. It's a lot to deal with. He's very in touch with reality a pretty positive person though, so when I'm confused about how to feel, I can usually lead by his example.

Thank you for all the responses. Sometimes I get so sick of bad thoughts that I just want to freak out, and I'd rather do it in the company of people who would understand than hurt the people who don't.

I'm new at this.

Ask a Question