Well hello there. I haven't been to sleep at all tonight and it is currently 5:00 AM. I had a relapse as you could have guess from the title. I mean I guess you could call it a relapse. Really I had a moment of crazy. I have cuts all over my ankles, thighs, arms, stomach. It's pretty bad. If you want the story here it is:
A former friend called me a disrespectful bitch and made me feel pretty horrid about myself. So I cried. but crying wasn't enough for me this time. I was in the shower, crying. So I disassembled my razor and started cutting myself with it. I feel really insane because as I look back at the incident I look crazy. As I was cutting myself I kept repeating "Nobody likes a bitch. You are a heartless bitch, nobody likes you." Or something around there. I was hyperventilating while crying. It was pretty intense. I feel so bad about myself, and now my body is sore. I really just exploded on myself. I haven't cut myself in two years and I need to know what encouraged this explosion. I know it wasn't just my ex-friend calling me a bitch, there has to be more. I just wish I knew what it was. That;s all for now. I should be studying for Finals, but I'm in no mind set to do that.
Hi Irma
I am sorry to hear that you took out your feelings on your body. This does not sound like a friend you want to keep...who triggers this in you. Is there other such triggers for you feeling the need to cut?
I have many things to say but first...who is this person to judge you? And why must you accept her label of you? I think too...you are inaccurate in your generalization that nobody likes a b****. There are plenty of women who have been called such a thing...yours truly included and...this doesn't mean you are not liked or loved.
When I was a teen and in my early twenties I used to cut too. I wrote about my experience in a post you may wish to read. I did it when I felt stressed or too upset to deal with my emotions. What I suspect happened here is that you had tremendous anger over what this person said but...instead of expressing the anger outwardly...you took it out on yourself. I want you to know that there are alternative ways of handling your emotions which will not cause you this type of harm.
Do you have any supports? Friends, family, or a therapist to talk to?
The thing about the cutting is that it can become almost addictive...any time you feel stress or you can't deal with the emotions...you might go to self harm. So we want to prevent that from happening.
You are not a bad person. You don't deserve to punish yourself. Someone just called you a name. It is probably something which will happen again in your life. Sometimes you have to embrace whatever people want to call you as in..."Yeah I am a ....(fill in the blank)..what of it?" Then they don't have the power over you to make you feel bad.
I would strongly suggest that you look into some counseling or a therapist to help you through this stuff. It can be very hard I know.
Keep writing and next time you want to cut yourself...come here instead and write out your feelings or talk to someone.
Thank you for sharing.