Unsure where to go.

By sarahrose Tuesday, November 23, 2010

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Well I guess where to start. I will apologize for not posting a photo, but I would rather to stay anonymous, due to the fact my photos are all over the web from my modeling career I gave up two years ago.

I tend to ramble but I'll try to explain what I can. Currently I am not on any treatment and dealing with this phase of my depression better than ever, but still its not easy. Without the doctors, I feel like I am dealing better, and everyone in my life agrees I'm doing better.

I have been in and out of doctors since I was 8. First they thought I was ADD or ADHD, later in to bipolar etc. and the list goes on. Truth is they don't know whats wrong. All I know is that they give me pills and I go crazy and try to kill myself.

I don't remember the last episode or that week 3 years back. It wasnt my first attempt either. I OD'd on pills at 1 am and woke up at my moms house a week later after being in a hospital getting my stomach pumped. I don't even remember taking the pills. I'm coming in here to try to deal with thing early so I don't deal with that of depression again.

I'm okay now no suicidal thoughts, well nothing that I would even deem to act upon they fleet through but you know I think its normal to have the fleeting thoughts. The kid one would act upon are very different, I can tell the difference at least with myself.

I have a amazingly wonderful husband and an amazingly good little boy! Things could not be better! I'm a stay at home mom at the moment looking for a job i like. I mean the worst thing is I'm having trouble finding a job I like and being able to conceive. That shouldn't set me into a funk where I cry every day and cant sleep right for weeks.

I don't know what to do. I'm hoping someone can help here. Help me figure out how to keep from getting into this really bad and skirt this part of my depression or fix it before it gets bad. Otherwise I don't have a reason for this and in order to be comfortable having a baby I need to fix me so I'm not depressed. I know there are often others with issues as well that are so much worse. I feel bad for being this way with so little being wrong.

I oddly deal with major things better than the little ones. I can't stop stressing. Ever.

Comments (4) | Add comment

Judy

11/23/10 11:51pm

Hi, Sarahrose. It sounds to me like you might be depressed again and in need of medication. On the other hand, a therapist might be helpful in understanding why these "little" things are stressing you out so much. Sometimes stuff like this happens because of something going on in our lives that triggers unconscious memories of things that happened years ago, or caused us to have a warped perception of ourselves. We can end up feeling trapped or hopeless. I know this has happened to me and I sometimes just want to go, "Huh?" I've been on medication for years, as well as in therapy, and both have helped a lot. I know I would be much worse off without them. Are you opposed to getting help of any kind?

Don't know if this was much help, but we're here to listen and support the best we can. Take care.

Eileen Bailey, Health Guide

11/24/10 11:41am

Sarah Rose

Thank you for sharing your story with us. It sounds like you are going through a difficult time right now. There is no reason for you to feel guilty because you don't feel that your life is all it could be. You should not feel guilty that you are down because your life "isn't bad." Remember, feelings just are. They are not wrong or right, they just are. Therefore, your feelings aren't wong. They just are.

Sometimes, we need treatment, even if it is temporary, to get us through the rough times. It is possible that therapy or other treatments may help you right now. I understand that you don't want to take depression medications right now, but please keep these in mind if your suicidal thoughts increase or become more than "fleeting."

On MyDepressionConnection.com there are some articles that may help you:

Lifestyle Changes

Other Treatments

Therapy

New Attitudes for Better Health

7 Questions to Ask Your Doctor

I hope this information helps. Please check back and let me know how you are doing.

Eileen

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Merely Me, Health Guide

11/24/10 3:26pm

Hi there

So...let me try to get an accurate picture of what is currently going on. You have a family...and support in your husband and you have a little boy. You have been depressed before but you feel the doctors and medications did more harm than good? Right now you are looking for a job and...trying to conceive.

What sort of symptoms are you having now? Was there ever any time that any medications or any particular doctor did help you? Were you ever officially diagnosed with anything?

Depression sometimes doesn't make sense...it is a biological thing for a lot of folk. And it also takes time to feel well...and hard work. For some people meds work...for others therapy...for still others...some combination...and then there are alternative treatments.

Give us more to go on...and maybe we can dig up some information or resources for you. I might begin with a good physical with your general practitioner. If you are trying to conceive...then you want to be at your physical best and this is going to help your mood as well. Are you eating healthy? Sleeping okay? Exercising? Do you have other supports other than family? All of these factors play a part in how you feel.

We are eager to hear back from you. Thanks for joining us here and sharing so much.

sarahrose

11/24/10 6:24pm

To answer what I can, and thanks all for your help!

I am in and out of my depression right now. Since I have stopped taking meds seeing theripists etc, I have been dealing with this for the first time imn my life what I wopuld consider "well" or atleast 100% better than before. As far as suicide right now I have the thoughts, but its not the desire to act like before much more mild! like I have control for the first time ever in my head and actions while depressed! I do hoever even durring these times have the desire to fix this. If that makes sence?

I'm terrified of doctors! The last times I went in to see them the last 3 have given me a treatment that has made me loose it and try to kill my self, and I do not even remember doing it at all like I had never been there!
I have been diagnosed wrong with so many things that other doctors ended up saying the one prior was wrong. Go on with this cycle for about 19 years, and you have me!

When my hormones and body chemesrty change it tends to me me for lack of a better word nutso. I am ok this morning feeling a bit better still a bit down but nothing major.

So I have been on more meds talked with more theripists and tried so hard to fix it. I found even when I got off my birth control it helped dramatically. The depression itself is not nearly as bad.

I do eat healthy, normally I do exercise alot. However I dislocated my ankle not long ago and its almost done healing! Yay for running agian! Right now I'm rather neutral in my mood. Yesterday REALLY down. I go through this at tiems 3-6 months at a time, but the depression is about once a year. This is the first time I have avoided the doctors, and the first time I feel stable even though I am depressed. Last they thought I was bipolar and ruled out with the medications not working. They said I have had sevear depression, I tried to hang myself when I was 9 after my partents divorce, I woudl say that qualifies as bad.
I have had some major trauma but I feel like somehow its not a big deal any more here are a few things.
I saw my dad pull a gun on my mom. My exhusband took his girlfriend on our honeymoon. I lost my virginity at 15 when I was raped. Thats just a few I can think of.

Since this time my dad has changed good friends with my mom even if they are divorced, and my dads relationship with me is beeter he has fixed his issues. I have a wonderful husband now who is loyal and knows most of whats going on. He is also my best friend who I can talk to. I talk with him when I am down. Hes understanding that my PMS makes me REALLY emotional and works through it with me.

I have never found a theripist who didn't tell me to shove more pills down me. I guess I am trying to find a way to bring back up my mood, because I hate being like this. Yes I am looking for a job. Our bills are paid but money is tight but not horribly so we are fortuniate there. I have been trying to concieve since last Febuary, when I had recovered from my last depression period. I made it through and decided at that point I could be a good mom even if I'm down, because I was nolonger "snaping" so to speak.

I'm taking my vitamins, I have trouble sleeping so I'll eat some turkey lunchmeat it helps. I do have rapid mood swings like someone with bipolar, however they have tried different meds and other doctors say it was a wrong diagnosis, so who knows. I don't think I have ever had a doctor that did not make me feel like a guina pig!

Otherwise this is the first time I have been down without wanting to give up. I havent been dperessed in over two years which is a huge step up! I'm a good mom and my son never sees this or knows the difference. I hide thigns well. But inside I want it to be the same as what he sees on the outside.

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