I hate that my father has a need to feel superior. So he 'talks down to everyone' and this has effected my self esteem and relationships with everyone. I go into rage any time anyone 'talks down' to me...
or I am in a position where the person is callous, uncaring, mean, and has something I need ...and they don't care about my needs or suffering..I have terror of this...and then fly into rage..
Or therapists....can trigger this in me...any 'authority role' when I am not centered and feeling strong...
If I feel very ill, and feel at the mercy of others' kindness and compassion, I will fly into a rage if I am around someone who is 'cruel, unkind, not compassionate..or who enjoys 'having power over others' like my father...
I have many issues coming up right now..and my cats are rambunctious and I find I am getting very angry very quickly at them for this..I think it is actually triggering my PTSD...and my stress right now is very high...
Now this is all if my survival feels at stake...either physically or emotionally...and right now, I am high anxiety...
going to my therapist today...who acts 'superior' in my opinion....and I was going to address this possible transference today with her...but having read an email from my father yesterday...and fearing the property management lady who also does this...
(well this all gets 'triggered' when people remind me of my father...in this regard) In that I can be suffering severely, almost dead, and the person in callous, cold, cruel, and does not care about my feelings or needs.
I have been 'triggered' lately...by feeling ill, needing to do something about the living thing in five months, not hearing from my boyfriend lately, I get my abandonment issues going, and all my fears, and rage...that I am supposed to be going to therapy to work out...and fearing that my therapist is 'bad and cruel' and just offered to do what she is doing so she can have someone to take her anger out on...me.
Well, this all comes from childhood stuff....and it is coming up right now...so I am trying to deal with it...
Got an email from my father yesterday that triggered a lot...he manages to say something to make people feel like shi... even after you have done something nice for him...it just is how it is...
talked to my mother yesterday...and she is in her shell...all angry because she 'has to make apple butter'. And I know she gets down in the winter but all that means is she is less kind to me.. and others...
But...anyway, all this is coming up...triggered by recent events... I desperately need to go to the mountain or somewhere else in nature...
not sure if I can trust my therapist still...and triggered by all this other stuff...need to regroup, find my center again, and my trust in myself...and to hear what I need to, find compassion again for myself and those who have or do harm....only due to their ignorance...and find my inner strength and power to deal with what I have to...
Marishka, I hope you can talk with your therapist today about this stuff. Your fears about her motives for working with you are going to get in the way of healing if you don't. There are people in the world who truly want to help and money isn't their biggest motivator. My own therapist has spent time with me for little or nothing during a crisis. Hopefully, your therapist knows enough that she can't have her own agenda in working with you, but you need to get the straight story from her to put your mind at rest. I know first-hand how old stuff can get in the way of being helped because, as you know, that's how transference works and sometimes we don't even realize what's going on. Good luck.
Hi Judy,
Well I got over the first hurdle last session with my therapist. I asked her why she was willing to do this nice thing, see me for free?
She recalled our conversation on the phone and relayed it back to me...she said that I had called and said I wanted to make an apoinment to see her but that I needed to ask my father if he would pay for the therapy. And then I told her I didn't want to call him because I was afraid of him.
That was when she offered to see me for free, telling me she had done 'pro bono' work in the past and it was ok with her. And this is just what she said. So I said, ok, after she recounted this in the last session, and thought that meant she was doing it to be nice, caring, compassionate and since she is retired, does not need the money, and just wants to help. So that is what I took away from that.
My tendencies are to think that number one, I don't deserve anything good ( that I deserve to be treated like a piece of dirt, and much worse...subconsciously only of course.....intellectually of course not),and it is this subconscious stuff that I need to work on looking at and changing...
number two, if it is good and offered by someone for free, then they may just using that to control me and will end up hurting me with their words and actions later. Now, this is from childhood and my relationship stuff with my father I know. My twisted thinking. Just the stuff I need to change in therapy.
Now, if she is kind and genuine, then yes, I can work through many of my issues by talking to her and addressing the transference.
If she is not kind or genuine, and I trust her, I will end up getting very badly hurt again.
One other thing....a lot of this is cog-behav. type therapy that is needed. She told me she is not that used to doing this type of therapy. So what that means for me...?not sure...
And really no way to tell except with time and observation if she is genuine and wants what is best for my well being...do you agree?
But I must take the risk to trust to find out...I guess in baby steps...slowly
Now, she has already asked about past trauma so early and this had me worried...I told her I was not ready to go into that until we built more trust and knew eachother better..she seemed ok with that...so I have to see if she honors my needs or tries to push me into anything that makes me feel bad...that would not be good...
I do feel afraid to see her for all these reasons but I must go back to risk in order to trust her..so I will..
Hi, Marishka. I think you mentioned previously that your therapist does EMDR? That may be the reason she doesn't use CBT much. Mine doesn't use it formally, but we do a lot of EMDR. And just plain talking through things and exposing irrational beliefs. Your therapist sounds like a nice person so far. If it would make you feel better, maybe she would agree to some kind of bartering so that you don't feel so much like you "owe" her. That wouldn't be a gift, just maybe doing some kind of work for her, possibly - just a thought.
I know working with trauma is very hard. As much work as I have done, it's still very difficult sometimes because I have such strong physical reactions and at times want to just run out of there. But pushing through it has proven to be a good thing. The goal of EMDR is to desensitize you, but it does take some time, obviously. I'm glad you're giving her another chance.
Hi Judy,
yes, I am giving her another chance. Another reason is when I called and talked to my good friend in CA (who is diagnosed with DID), she suggested I reread the chapter in the book on dissociation (which is fantastic by the way for this) , regarding therapists.
I did and found it very helpful right now. The bartering thing is not looked upon as good practices by the therapy community....according to this book...it talked about it...says it can create harm later on...so if no gifts, no bartering, then what? I forgot what it said, maybe I will have to read it again...for ideas.
Thanks Judy
I have about six other issues swirling around in my mind, that eventually I will post, one at a time...just one small thing at a time
have a good night...
Marishka