It is interesting how being in that 'wounded' or 'triggered' place stirrs up everything under the sun.
Then after a nice day outdoors, or doing something else, it just kind of goes away...
Or perhaps a large grey kitten jumps on the back of your chair and jumps all over your head clumsily...well, it just makes all those thoughts a bit better...:) unless he bites you hard and in that state, you interpret that to mean....
I don't like dry food as much as canned, why is there no canned food for me this morning? :) And I do interpret it that way! :) Going to PetCo today!
Lately, too much has been coming at me and up for me, too much has been stirred to deal with all at once...it seems also that if I set a few new goals and try to move toward them, enivitably stuff happens, the fears come up and past stuff comes up...
Then you have no choice but to address things..but even to try to stay in the same place, I find, somehow, they get pushed upon me anyway...
Life keeps going, changing..evolving...happening...
Trust issues, abandonment issues, survival issues (physically, psycholgically), taking care of me, taking care of others, being good enough, can't think right now...
Uncle is sicker again, father is there trying to caretake, father is 82, have not seen my father for 13, ??/ years, don't know how many.. due to fact that I get ill...psychologically around him...well even hearing his voice or reading an email as most know...
well, I need distance from my issues right now...and I hope my new therapist realizes that some days, I can only talk about neutral stuff...maybe American Idol, or animals, or anything that distracts me and keeps me calm and away from my issues...
Did not like that she seemed to 'push' me towards talking about past trauma when if I did, I would get worse...and I hope she honors this, my knowing what I can handle and when...otherwise, she is retraumatizing me...pushing me to dissociate...she should know this...considering her 'expertise' in trauma...
I think I just get more meek at standing up for myself though and may say no, I can't talk about that...but not strongly...then if someone pushes me at those times, and I feel weak, in the past, I may have given in to their needs or whatever for me to do what I don't want to...
what?????? what is Marishka talking about today? She is rambling ...in one of those all over the place rambles...
I know...remember, I keep saying, I need to go to the mountain or to nature and have not been for months....due to cold and weather and kittens!
Well, the wellspring of 'stuff' is not getting a chance to air....
I am going to a new naturopathic doctor this Sat. and I think I will need to get copies of what I did at my old naturopathic doctors office...which was just too noisy to continue there...and expensive...
So I think I will write her a thank you card and request copies of my stuff that I did there...
Hey Marishka
I hear you about your therapist being pushy. You really have to go at your own speed because once you leave their office...if they have stirred up a hornet's nest then you are left alone to deal with it. Some things need to evolve slowly.
But then the point of therapy is to work on those core issues so be prepared to do what it takes to get to the point of at least initiating discussing these difficult topics. It is her job to at least try to get you comfortable to begin the process. But ultimately you call the shots.
let us know what happens. Hope you are having a great weekend maybe getting outdoors some.
MM
Hi MM,
this is the last thing I will write for a bit! I have been over pushing myself on the writing lately...and when my mind is just racing and in circles...and going overtime, I refer to it as diarrea of my mind :) a little too much info perhaps...:) but my mind is on overtime...
I really don't care for writing much and it taxes me greatly! (I feel much better being on the mountain...so I will try to get there soon...!)
But to the therapist thing, no this is not good for me. I have had therapists like that and it is very bad for me since when I am feeling vulnerable and weak, I sometimes give in to pushiness...ya know? Just because I don't have the energy to be strong and in my center and do what is best for me...
So, I don't think that was a good start...my new therapist asking about my past trauma in the second session or first, I forgot...before we knew eachother, had trust etc. And her not being very forthcoming in talking about herself..
Well, we may both have been nervous...willing to try more and again with her...
Thing is, she specializes in dissociation...and if I am stressed beyond belief...I dissociate....which is why I am going ...well, she doesn't know my triggers, but usually a person who has this going on ....at some point has had people who ignored their needs, feelings and wants...and on this note, it seems to me she should know not to push past a person's albeit weak no, I feel uncomfortable..and I knew it was pushing me to dissociate...to get more info...
Of course when I held it together and explained that I did not want this to happen, I think she backed off....I have to test the waters again...
Pushy therapists are not for me...
And pushy Burt is driving me crazy...he is putting his arms around Emma's neck, pinning her sweet little head on the floor, and then when he sees me, I swear he looks guilty...
this is triggering my PTSD so badly...and his constant mews, or scratching or running ; he has so much energy and some comes out aggressive...but it is play too....biting my toes very hard...
I don't know what to do...he is bounding into walls, chasing Emma nonstop and triggering my sympathetic nervous system nonstop....ya know? like a two year old...constantly...I don't know what to do...and I hate hate to see Emma's little face pinned on the ground..
I need to stop writing..so tired...
have a good day too