therapist

By Marishka Wednesday, February 08, 2012

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I am trying to give this therapist a chance...some things I am concerned about so far:

Pushing me too fast to tak about things , traumas of the past, in first and second meeting.

Said she would find a person she has worked with who has benefited greatly from therapy and who dissociates....and introduce us...

-did not happen and I had to ask...then she said, oh, just not possible.

I asked her questions, she says she does not like to disclose. did not answer.

of course these are the negative.

My greatest fears, like many people with trauma backgrounds...abandonment....trust....being used, harmed

or treated as less than....

another thing....I mentioned some friends....she said something like ...do you know what we call those? I said...no...she said...resourses...I could have sworn it went like that...

What??? Do you know that I took the same classes as you did, are you dissociated miss counselor?! or just distracted....or do we not understand eachother ? what?

At my most cynical thinking....

I am afraid she is mean and unhappy...and using me as a project, someone to 'talk down to', someone to take out her unhappiness and feelings of powerlessness on....in a bit...she will say, oh, I need to stop seeing you....after she has dug out all my vulnerable info...and shared none of hers...great fear...

she is oldest child...I have assumptions...those are bullies, bossy, etc.

Last thing..I asked her what has been hardest for her or is hardest for her in life...she said, working on her issues....not the best from a therapist...

this is all the negative...too tired to mention what may seem positive...just want to process this before tomorrow...

I will not be talked down to, taken anger out on, acted like I am inferior, belittled, made to feel a fool and terrified of abandonment or harm....by a therapist.

Another possibility...lots of transference immediately? I don't feel safe...I don't feel she has made me feel safe or created trust....

plus, she wanted to 'talk about me' to old therapist...this is a no, no for me. No one talks with someone I know about me....may be a trigger...if it is sincerely that they don't know enough about therapy techniques....ok, good....consult a more experienced person

Don't cause people to feel less than by discussing them....like doctors do...when the person is right there and can talk...it makes all of us feel invisable and humiliated...or maybe it is also a trigger for me...

opinions? thoughts? I am in a triggered mood, and I dread going to see her as so far, I feel afraid of her...what does it mean? trust instincts? or transference?

good question for all of life...when is it a trigger and real and should not trust ....and when is it just reminding us of past terrifying and not trustworthy people and triggering that old stuff....and with me...dissociation..

I feel awful after being with this therapist

Comments (7) | Add comment

Judy

2/ 8/12 8:48pm

Marishka, I think you are making a lot of assumptions here about this person. First of all, I have to tell you that I am an oldest child and I am not a bully!

You asked her a question about what has been the hardest thing in life for her - which I would take as a very personal question - and she told you the answer, but you don't think it's the right answer? I would say she was being honest, very honest with you in saying that it was hard to work on her own issues. Why is that a bad thing? I'm surprised she answered your question at all.

You object to her talking with another professional about you and give your reasons, which I think I understand, but on the other hand, if she's trying to gain a better understanding of you, it could be to your benefit. My own therapist consults with others, or at least has in the past, and has told me about it - and she didn't even have to. However, if yours is talking to a previous therapist, that's a different story, she should have your permission. I know you've been a therapist, too, but people have different styles and ways of relating - that doesn't make them "wrong." Maybe she really is interested in helping you - is that a possibility? You've said how badly you wanted help and now it seems like there are a million things wrong with this person who is trying to help you. What reasons would she have to harm you? She didn't try to trick you into therapy or anything, did she?

Sorry if I am coming off too strongly, but you asked for opinions and this is what I think. I think you are scared to death and might be trying to find reasons to not look at some scary things. I know that feeling. I hope you can get past it and take a chance.

Marishka

2/ 8/12 10:02pm

Thank you Judy.

That is certainly a possibility. Also, when someone is new...and I am in a vulnerable position....like in therapy....I have all my defenses up...

plus, I am so stressed and afraid, triggers are happening left and right...and that is why it is so hard to tell for me...is it real or is it memorex?! ya know!

I am trying to discern...and definately looking at both sides and all sides...just wanted to get the worst thoughts down so I could look at them with someone objective...like you! or anyone else here...or friends!

I am terrified, that is true...I am very afraid.....I have to go very slowly...to trust people...no one can rush me or I will rebel and get triggered and go ballistic!

I am scared right now about other things...I want desperately a therapist I can trust to talk to....I have big trust issues like anyone with trauma and my issues are up and my body hurts going through all this. It is very hard to trust a therapist for me....much easier...friends...and other relationships...

Plus, I probably am critical since I have my style of therapy I like and like doing and don't like certain things automatically...

Adlerian is good....people are equals...people treating me as unequal triggers me like there is no tomorrow!

Marishka

2/ 8/12 10:15pm

By the way, when I am feeling triggered and terror, beyond what one can imagine, which is often for the last I don't know how many decades....and dissociated...

I do not know who is to trust and who is not. I just feel paranoid and terrified and I actually am dissociated sometimes in the past...and just cannot connect with the here and now.

I do not want a therapist to push me to this point. I just read a good book...says the number one objective for working with dissociative people...is to stay stable and deal with getting better at doing things daily. I agree with this 100%.

Then somewhere down the line...when trust has been developed, stability is there....and person has a good handle on the everyday and coping...delve into the past trauma...that is what I believe 100% and I guess she scared me...trying to delve so soon...

I can tell her this...and set my boundary....as the book says, the person knows the pace that is best for him or herself...

interestingly...a couple times when I have been in my child state (body stiff as a board), terrified, and can barely hold it together...you have reacted to my writing as you did today! and sometimes, many times, some others do too!

like people are reacting to my subconscious....and dissociated child states...which have paranoid thoughts, and terror, absolute terror of people adn thoughts that are crazy like! but made sense to think as a child I am sure in the environment I was in...I need a therapist who knows this stuff inside and out...and who can bring me back to my adult state very capably...and who is not pushy in any way.

Maybe I am not ready for it...or maybe I need to go slow as a turtle...and need a therapist who honors this.

Marishka

2/ 8/12 10:26pm

That is what dissociation is, when you are not thinking your normal set of thoughts that you normally would...there is like a different age person taking over...coming up with all sorts of crazy thoughts and behaviors that the normal 42 year old self does not think or do....although I am always co-conscious as they say...of this....I can see it happening...but nevertheless....it seems so powerful...it is scary...

Like right now...I need to reground myself....and remind myself where I feel in control, powerful as an adult...to bring myself back to my 42 year old self today..

I do not 'lose time' as they say. Nor do I have names for what they refer to as 'alters'. Nor would I refer to it like that...

yes, it is very hard.....I feel terror right now...I need people who bring me back to the here and now...for right now...

I of course read the book last night on DID and went meticulously through it, looked up the DSM-IV definition again...and on every other dissociative disorder and diagnosed myself, lol.

So my diagnosis...is dissociative disorder NOS. Further along the spectrum is DID and I tried to fit myself into that and thought I could for a bit...but then just could not meet the criteria...

ok, I am scared about something else right now...and I am terrified...has to do with my father of course...and this is all coming too fast at me right now...I need to slow down and go the speed of a turtle...I like turtles...they are very calm and peacful...and adorable..

have a good night Judy, I am in a state of terror right now...but I appreciate your input as I know you have some of the same stuff...and PTSD too..

I have a lot to deal with but not too fast

have a good night

Merely Me, Health Guide

2/ 8/12 10:23pm

Hey Marishka

I think Judy has given a lot of good advice here and I will just add a few more things.

I would think it odd that your therapist wanted to introduce you to a previous patient...this seems a breech of confidentiality...I am not sure that is commonly done.

Other points:

It is always possible your therapist knows less than you and especially about the most important topic...you! It is your job as the patient/client to share so that your therapist can help you. If you aren't sharing then he or or she can't really do their job.

Your therapist is not your equal. I don't think you should look at it in this way of being equals or someone being better than you or some authority figure. Your therapist is also not your friend. Your therapist has a very defined role to help you achieve your goals in therapy. Disclosing everything to you is not going to help you to deal with your issues. I had a therapist who disclosed too much. He kept prodding me to discuss my early sexual abuse...I think because he wanted to talk about his own. He then proceeded to tell me about his sexual abuse in graphic detail. He was acting as my equal or a friend and it didn't work. I had to quit therapy. Therapy time is for YOU to talk about your issues...not for your therapist to talk about theirs.

You may be right that this therapist is not for you...for whatever reason. But I would give her at least a few more sessions to see if she has any redeeming value in helping you.

Remember that you call the shots....you are in control and if you don't like something in therapy...you need to discuss it right then and there. That way your therapist can help you work through it if need be.

Maybe write a list...of those qualities you are searching for in a therapist. And also what you hope to achieve. Instead of reacting....be active in choosing the therapist you want...and also in getting as much out of this experience as you can.

You have every right to be wary...this is your time and it is of great value. But maybe give this another chance.

I hope things work out. Let us know what happens!

Marishka

2/ 8/12 10:57pm

Thank you MM. I am triggered right now, from past stuff...and it is all coming at me from the past...feelings, images...etc. things said...that scared the crap out of me...and still comes back under extreme stress...which is what PTSD and dissociation is all about...of course...

I am just 'freaked out' due to thoughts in my head...tremendous fears going way back..and triggered by recent events...

I don't know this lady, the therapist...these are all my terrors I wrote of...associations from the past...like oldest child...scary....just my experience...I would love to know very well any child oldest or youngest or anything who is very kind! (for Judy) :) I believe kindness can be any of them, oldest, youngest...but I am triggered by the thought of oldest child...from my experience...

Well anyway, triggers are horrible and they happen over and over for me...day after day...but the good thing I think for me...is I do not lose total time and orientation...I always can see and feel the 'little terrified 5 year old' is 'in the forefront...or whatever language one wants to use...

I know from experience now, that when this all starts....slow down, number one thing. Stop and slow down.

thank you MM ...I will go tomorrow unless I can't breathe due to anxiety! :) and report back...maybe from my 42 year old self state by then :)

wonder why healthcentral does not have dissociative site, that would be good...

had more to comment but cannot breathe very well, need to stop and rest

Judy

2/ 8/12 11:17pm

Marishka, I do understand the dissociation and I was just as afraid as you are when I first started recovering memories. I thought I was just being "bratty" and didn't understand, until it was explained to me, how I could get frozen in a certain age. That part is so much better now since I have worked on it for a long time - but I'm still not done. Tell your therapist just how afraid you are - she might have an idea of the amount of fear you have already. Hopefully, she'll be able to help you feel safe and eventually get to the point where you can deal with this stuff. But it IS a slow process. I remember my therapist telling me in the beginning that she would stay with me for as long as it took - which helped a lot. But I bet she didn't realize just HOW long it would take! She could have retired by now, but hasn't and I'm hoping I can "finish" before she does.

Good luck tomorrow. You have more insight about this than I did at this stage, which means you probably have a better idea of what you need to heal. Sometimes I think that's half the battle!

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