I have to get this out.  I was so hopeful about the therpist and the new doctor to treat the things I have.  I feel so bad right now that neither seemed good after all.  It is just that typical thing of trying and trying and dissapointment.  But I know I have to keep trying again.

I feel depressed.

I have to talk about two of the things I was desperate to talk to the therapist about.  They are eating me up inside.

Have not seen my father for 13 years or so.  It tears me up.  Plus my uncle is sicker.  I am afraid. 

I have one friend who understands , she too has not seen her father since she would get sick every time. She would dissociate or get very ill.  She also does not talk to him on the phone.  She understands that he is the biggest trigger in the world for dissociation and severe depression or suicidal.

She emails with her father.  He pays for a lot of her life, most medical.

Well, I have been so horribly depressed lately.  I need to talk to her and don't want to 'bother' her.  Just want to be in a good mood when I call friends.  Don't want to be a burden.

Well, the other thing is I am staying where I am for now in this home. Then I am thinking I will buy a cheap home.  And perhaps apply for disability or hopefully, be better and able to work by then.

I really don't know.  I don't want to hurt my mother in any way financially. It will not hurt my father I am sure.  My mother would be helping with the cost of the cheap home.

I have an email I want to send to the 'crazy camp' to try to get my mother's money back....I wrote about that before...

I am afraid to send it, lost the email address, don't want to do it, want everything to stop being so hard.

I miss talking to my friend who helps me so much regarding my father issues...but I don't want to burden her too much. I had such hope I could finally deal with a lot with a therapist.  My hopes feel crushed and I am sad, depressed and very tired right now.