she didn't mean anything harmful.
My mother. I was trying to explain that I feel very bad I have not seen my father for 13 years or whatever it is.
I told her I feel very worried, as my uncle is sicker and I am worried about my father and the toll it is taking on him to care for him at 82.
Now, I told her that I feel very sad because I just don't feel I can go see him, as it causes me to dissociate and get sicker( didn't say that about dissociate since she doesn't understand about that)
But that I feel so sad and worried.
Her response...well, think of how bad you will feel when he dies.
In the past, I would go into hell over this. But now I know, my mother is very matter of fact and blunt.
I brought to her attention this, and she said, her mother was raised Native American. She was raised this way, to be tough. I know this and love my mother. She really just says things very matter of factly, not trying to hurt me. I used to think so, but it still hurts, but I don't think she is trying to hurt me.
Now of course, many people would see why that would make someone feel bad.
But anyway, she can't stand to talk to him on the phone for one minute. So she understands and understands that he 'hurts people with words'. Not intentionally but it is just how he is . So she understands...but not always the most comforting...just how she is.
Sometimes, she will recognize her ways and later apologize and say she saw she was not very understanding...
But I love her and I just try to let it go and find someone who says things that feel like salve to my wounds...
She has her wonderful points too...and actually when I started to point out how she just was not good at emotional support...I caught myself...she just wants to be appreciated for the good about her...and there is a lot of good too...so I recalled how she put bags of lettuce in my lunch as a child...and thanked her, as it really helped me to eat right all my life...her empasis on nutrition..and she then remember that it was her mother that taught her that...
and we ended on an up note...so I am glad...we are all good at different things, and I know she loves me
Somehow, I don't think I would have been happy about bags of lettuce in my lunch. We always had tunafish sandwiches because they were cheap. I got so tired of tuna. But then one day she made me a banana and peanut butter sandwich and I almost barfed. Now, I can look back and see how consistent and caring she was to make my lunches every day. Perspective changes how we see things, doesn't it?
I used to hate my dad. I prayed that God would take him. I even thought about killing him myself in a child's fantasy kind of way. But when I was in my late 40's and he was dying of Alzheimer's, I began to think about stories his mother had told me about her dad raping her when she was 13. About grandad almost beating him to death more than once for small infractions. About starting to work in the strawberry fields of Arkansas when he was only 5 yrs old. He had a hard life and was never shown much love. No wonder he didn't know how to express love, or perhaps even feel love. And when I saw him in his 70's ravaged by disease, I began to feel the stirrings of compassion. He became both gentler and more combative, and I didn't know beforehand which it was going to be. But he died saying he loved me and knew he could trust me to tell him the truth about his condition -- no one else would. I could do that for him, even though he forgot what I said 5 minutes later and wanted to know all over again.
Now, my mother is nearing the end of her life. No it probably won't be this year, maybe not next, but fairly soon. I am learning to be honest and truthful with her, finally, at this stage of our lives. But I am sparing her those truths that would make her sad and are unnecessary. She forgets anyway, within a week or two, and swears I never told her. I am reminded of the prison camp survivor Corrie Ten Boom. Her father took her to a railroad station with a heavy trunk carrying all their things. Somehow, the conversation turned to sex, and she wanted to know what sex was. He pointed to the trunk and said, "Corrie, pick up that trunk." She said, "But it's too heavy." He said, "That's the way it is with sex -- it is too heavy for you to carry the weight right now, but the time will come when you are ready." (paraphrased!) I feel like that's the way it is with "heavy" information I could give mother about what's gone on and what's going on in the lives of her children and family-at-large. Stuff I would like to talk about. But right now, it's too heavy for her. I can't burden her with excess information she would only forget. It makes me feel kind of lonely and like a parent keeping watch over a child. There is no one to share with. Yet I have to take care of her and treat her with dignity.
Now why did I go into this? Maybe the time will come when your dad is mature and responsible enough to have a good relationship with you. But probably not. It may be information that has always been and always be too heavy for him -- the kind of love you are looking for. And at his age, there's not much hope he will change. But when my dad and I were more pliable and flexible and beyond the niceties of cocktail conversation, we did love each other. And when he died at 78, I was totally at peace about it. I never go back and visit his grave or wish he was here or even think of him very often, but I do cherish the thought that we were able to finally make amends as father and daughter.
Hi Donna,
I have been crying and in a depression lately. I hope this happens with my dad and I, what you and your dad shared. My mother's comment made me feel so so bad, so much more depressed. I am just crying and crying.
Plus, I just had to tell my boyfriend I would like him to call me more often. Now, I guess that is ok, he gets very reclusive in the winter usually. I need the support, he usually is very supportive around this issue. And he didn't see his father for many many years too, but that is because his father did not call him or want him to....long story too of course..
But I am depressed...I need more support right now..thanks for the comment...I hope my dad and I can have that connection like you did...
I am worried and very stressed, sleeping hours all of a sudden during the day, so tired....I know I need more support. Just the feeling of bad depression ...that I can feel in my face and body right now...
I feel a bit lost all of a sudden...like what in the world am I doing or should be doing? Then I feel sick all of a sudden. What it all comes back to is I know I need more support right now...
I will have to reach out to people here and on the phone too and I don't feel like it...
I just hope my dad stays healthy and lives happily for much longer,
thank you for your support,
Marishka