OK,

I know I have been rambling all over the place...I am so stressed...my head hurts so much and my body...I need support, and relaxation....

too many blue butterflies squares all over the front page...I will cut down...go let my brain rest in nature...

I have taken many family systems classes.  Talks about the family as a mobile.  Touch one part, and it effects the others. 

I want to take help to get a home from my family.  Just because it is very wonderful to have help in this way.

Still don't understand things and why or even what is best to do...I just know my stress is through the roof lately, don't know all the whys or what to do's...

Just have to get something on the page...to start to unravel my stress in my mind...

I just already feel 'responsible' for being the 'sick one' ya know in my family of origin.  And worry about getting well and effecting the mobile...someone else has to then look at their issues instead of mine.

I would very much like to take the help of the home.  And continue on to try to get well.  There is so much pressure in my brain.  I really feel unconsciously my father and I don't want me to get well, nor anyone else...since we have arranged things this way for so long....I am too stressed though...and I am afraid really that if I get more well, others well be forced to look at their stuff and it is hard for them...

Plus, I think subconsciously my father doesn't really want me to grow up and get married and have my own life...is just difficult for him...kind of like he wants me to be happy, but not too subconsciously...and me too....to keep the balance of the status quo...

But my health needs to be better and I need to be happier...and also wonder about taking material help....because of all this...always worried it will be wisked away if someone feels a certain way...and I will be as I have been...without help and in agony and pain...and with words that cut like daggers from family...

Always living in great fear of support being wisked away as it has been repeatedly...

Just want to have a home so I can try to make it on my own more and not be in fear that no one will be there for me..

Also, do not want anyone else to fear...

Plus, I just cannot take care of both parents and am glad my father will have very good care and can stay in his home with someone I think probably very nice...he can get to help out...

I fear his needing emotionally as his brother is sick, but I know I cannot do everything...I need a very good support system too......he needs to develop other relationships to be his support...or get an animal if he needs someone to need him...

Is it wrong to take material help if that is what I have been offered all the time by my family?  I know I need to buy emotional support , like a therapist...and it is not their fault at all...just I got hurt in this family...