I get free therapy. On the phone, in person, EMDR. Talking for two hours at a time. Why???
This woman who is licensed, an 'expert' in disociation, sees paying clients etc. is willing to do all this for me. Why??
Why??
Is she trustworthy? Going to hurt me very badly? I wonder. Each time I talk with her. Why??
She says she does not need the money.
We all would question why? why is she doing this? what is her motive?
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Marishka, this is exactly what you've been looking for, but it seems like you immediately start trying to find reasons to distrust her, just like with the last therapist you saw. Maybe what she's saying is exactly what she means. My therapist would probably be like that - money is not her motivator. She enjoys her work and just wants to help people. I think at some point you will have to close your eyes, hold your breath and jump in, take the risk that someone really does want to help you. What possible reason would she have for wanting to hurt you? Really? I understand your fears about this, yet I think this could very well be a gift being sent to you - it is yours to accept or reject. You went looking and you found this person. What would you need to be able to believe she's not out to hurt you? Sure, it will take some time to trust her and if she's a good therapist, she'll know that. I hope you'll give her a chance. You don't know how many more opportunities you'll get like this, if any. You have goals you want to attain and you know it's going to be difficult to attain them unless you address your PTSD. Don't let it cripple you any more. Someone is holding out a hand - grab it and go for the ride!
I hope you know that I am saying all this out of my wish to see you get better, to support you in taking a leap of faith. Don't give up!
Hi Judy,
Well this is the same therapist I spoke of a while ago. I had been talking with her occasionally on the phone. I talked to her today.
MM said in response, way back, I remember, 'this kind of thing just doesn't happen' ' 'Maybe it would be good to ask her why she wants to do this?'
So I did. And she told me she feels it is her calling to do this work. And she believes in the idea of 'pay it forward'.
Now, I don't mean to imply that I don't trust her necessarily. I am just very very scared to trust anyone, as many of us who have been so badly hurt are, as you know. And she knows that and so far, she has been very supportive of my issues of distrust.
I have my distrust issues up very strong right now. Afraid, terrified state, ya know. I guess dissociated, 5 year old state.
These are the issues I need to work through. My mind is doing the black and white, all or nothing thinking today....you know, since I am depressed....
and future catastrophizing, imagining the worst, and very negative thinking.
I need to get to the mountain soon and spend a good day up there.
Have become overwhelmed lately with too much.
Email from my father triggered me....I may have written about it---something about how he was very sad that his tiny baby brother died. It tore my heart apart.
It just triggered a cascade of a million feelings for me regarding many many things for me. They all came up and then started leading to negative thinking.
The scary, catastrophic ball got started and my mind started going , 'oh my God, what if....? what if...? what if??? This could happen, or this, or this horrible thing....
Then the panic, and dissociation and distrust of the entire Universe or however it happens in my brain for a time....until I calm down again and recognize my irrational fears, black and white thinking, all or nothing thinking, future catastrophizing etc in my depressed state.
Thank you for responding, it helped just to get this tonight...
have a good weekend
Marishka
I agree Judy,
I have had a psychologist, as you know, and two psychiatrists helping me for free, offering therapy by email exchange. I have access to them at all times and this is good because as you know, I try to help others online. These professionals help me personally and they also help me to help others. They provide therapy. One thing they won't do, is to proof read papers that I write but there are other good people who help me with this. There are a lot of good people out there willing to help.
Ha, ha Alfredo! That's the difference between therapists and friends!
yes Judy, I agree. And you are a wonderful friend, forgiving, tolerant and patient. And you proof read a lot of papres that I write and ask for no money.They say that when we help others we get back in some ways.
At the age of 52 I am studying clinical psychology just so that I can help others. I don't think that I will graduate because that is not my intention, but all of the subjects that I do will help me to help others.
I think that when we help others we help ourselves and our life becomes more complete. Life is not about money and many people are discovering this. Perhaps we are moving towards a gift economy?
Well not sure what that means, that your name didn't come up here...
I think moving toward a gift economy would be fantastic...
are you a student? Not quite sure....
Marishka
Hi Marishka,
I am writing here as a guest because I found your post interesting. I wirte on a number of websites and at present I don't have a lot of time. Yes I am a student enrolled in an Australian University in a psychology degree. A gift economy is a necessity if we want to save our world. As they say, we cannot eat or drink money. We will have to save ourselves and that means becoming smarter. Whether we make it in time or not is the question.
I used to write here a couple of years ago but at that time I got really unwell with my bipolar2. Different people were writing at that time. My main problem, however, is depression. My elevated moods are reasonably manageable.
Ciao for now