what to do

By Marishka Monday, July 30, 2012

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A lot of my question in life seems to be what to do, with this situation or that!

I just need to talk it through, get suggestions I guess, which isn't really unusual.

I will be brief, I am tired.

Two years ago, I gave a woman outside the grocery store a ride home with her groceries. She needed one and was asking a man who said no. I just wanted to help.

I gave her my number. At the time, I really didn't know many people. She calls every day to every other day to ask for rides.

I have done it for two years.

I need to cut down or not do it. I need to say maybe once a week or once every other week. I hate such things.

She drains my energy. She yells and talks the whole time. And criticizes me that I don't 'talk enough'!

I know it is hard for her.

We don't have hardly anything in common. She does not like cats, my favorite, she loves shopping, I hate it. She does not like silence, I love it. She is extrovert, I am introvert.

I love nature, she would rather be in a mall, I won't go in one.

Well, I want to help, but I need to set a boundary.

I also need to save energy to have with other people who do like to do the same things I do, who are quiet like me and are ok with my not talking.

any suggestions. I know Kyle, I think it was you, wrote something along these lines, you wanted your friends to ask how you are instead of just for a ride? if I remember correctly, forgive me if I am mixed up please.

perspective

Comments (7) | Add comment

Marishka

7/30/12 4:34pm

I forgot, part is if I ask her to please let me have some quiet (she really talks nonstop and she knows it), she will often roll her eyes at me and ask me why I don't like talking.

Now, this is insulting. I feel critized. I am an introvert. She an extrovert. I have pointed this out.

The thing is, the force in her voice, because she is very angry, hurts my body. And I just cannot take it.

Marishka

7/30/12 9:10pm

I just called her back after week of not answering my phone. It was sooooo stressful.

She just talked nonstop in a very panicked way about her problems over and over. I kept trying to tell her it was stressing me.

She listened for two seconds and then started again.

She gets me so scared and agitated listening. She wants me to do everything.

I tried to give her the hotline number I have called so many thousands of times. She said she doesn't want to talk to a stranger. I would do a lot for my loved ones if they needed it. But even then, we know we have to take care of ourselves or we can't be there for anyone.

I am having my own stress. I need not to listen to hers. I agreed to drop off drinks at her place tomorrow.

I am having issues not knowing how to handle this. anyone? I really need calm, kind, supportive people around me.

I understand how hard it is for her, but I have lived with such stress for 20 years. Hers started a couple years ago and she does not realize what I have been through and that I cannot take such stress anymore.

I need to set a boundary. Like maybe drop off drinks once every other week. anyone?

Judy

7/31/12 12:05am

Marishka, I think you just need to cut ties with this woman. It doesn't sound like you are getting one thing out of this "relationship." Don't take her calls; do you have an answering machine or Caller ID? I've learned to just let these calls go and pretty soon they stop. If you should run into her, just be direct and tell her you can't handle her stress along with your own. No excuses, end of discussion. I know it's hard, I hate being that way, too, but it doesn't seem like you can give an inch to her without her wanting 10 miles. Or, if you must talk to her and she sounds panicky, tell her you're going to call paramedics for her. That might get her to snap out of it, or else she'll get some help.

Don't know if that's much help, but it's the first thing I thought of. Nobody needs energy drainers in their lives, people who give nothing back.

Marishka

7/31/12 3:37pm

Hi Judy, it is nice to see people still here:)

I have to say that made me laugh, the part about tell her I will call....

I don't know if I could do that, but it made me laugh.

But I hear you and Donna loud and clear.

I just dropped off the drinks and put them under her chair outside. I called her to let her know.

She doesn't really say thank you that often really and kind of just asks again for something else. Sometimes she does thank me.

But I was on the phone two minutes and already felt awful, so I just said I had to go. She sounded upset that I said that. She gets upset if I don't listen, or say I can't do something and criticizes me.

I don't have enough good, kind, supportive people around. And I am pretty sure it is my subconscious not allowing myself to, you know? And not sure how to change it.

I just got some CD's subliminal, do you think these work?

thanks for the support, I will tell her I cannot talk but once every couple weeks and maybe drop off things. Or maybe just not answer her calls anymore. Or tell her I am too stressed and have to take care of myself and cannot do more.

I am confused how to have the people I want in my life.

Donna-1

7/31/12 9:27am

You are so kind and considerate and compassionate to have helped this woman even once. But some people (like this woman) have no boundaries and suck up all your energy and time. You did your good deed with the first ride. Now it feels like an obligation because of her expectations. Cut the ties, like Judy said, and live your own life with people who are as attentive to your needs are you are to theirs.

This has happened to me a couple of times before I began to realize that there are people who will take your last dollar, your last gallon of gas, your last breath if it meets their needs. Don't let yourself be intimidated. Don't answer her attempts to communicate, don't call her, and quickly detach yourself if you meet her out anywhere. Your real obligation is to take good care of yourself.

Marishka

7/31/12 3:51pm

Hi Donna, I will do what you and Judy suggest.

I don't understand how I can get my subconscious to stop these kinds of relationships and start allowing the kind where people are kind, loving and care about me and my feelings.

Yes, I feel badly that she needs help. I can't bear to not help people, like you it seems. It just hurts. What do we need to do?

I am confused. I feel so wounded inside right now, both because she was not that pleasant on the phone, I feel badly not wanting to be around her, she makes me feel so badly, and knowing she needs helps so badly. I do think she reminds me of my father and mother combined and brings up all that hurt.

I think it brings up my fears re: my father and such. It is so much pain in inside and confusion.

My mother is fine right now and I think will be for 5-6 years on her own. She is 77. I think she will be independent and fine until she is 82/83. She is very strong and independent and lives in clean air in the mountains.

My father is 83 now. I just guess but I think he will be fine for another 2 or three years. I just guess. Independent.

The whole thing I cannot figure out. How to live my life and help them when they need it.

I feel so much pain right now Donna, crying. I just keep living one day at a time though.

Then, I just started to begin my search for a small home. I am confused. They are going to help me buy it. Now, I know that is not always a big deal at all.

I just have so much crap inside Donna, I know you know.

One day at a time, have a cup of tea now I think.

I was watching 'Say yes to the dress" a show about brides picking wedding gowns. I was sad since neither my mom nor dad would be like any of their parents there, gushing over them and supporting them. They do show love in different ways, but not emotionally. Anyway, I was just wishing I had a loving man to marry and loving people to be there with me, so happy for me, you know.

do you know that show?

glad to see you:)

Marika

Donna-1

7/31/12 5:31pm

Marishka, I know exactly what you are going through with the caregiver dilemma. I am 54 and desperately want to have some fun living my own life now. But I am aware things are not getting any better with my mother. She's very fragile and frail but refuses to admit it. But she's also constantly exhausted so it's not difficult to keep her from doing too much. But I can't stop the dementia from coming (I think it's already here) and I can't keep meeting her expectation that her life is going to continue to be just as it always was. According to her, I'm the one who is supposed to guard her from being put in an elder care facility by my brother and sister. I'm the one who is supposed to make sure she's not lonely...and she always says she's lonely if I'm not in the same room with her, even if she's had other company all day long. It is becoming an overwhelming strain on me and I battle depression and dissociation every day just trying to say sane. Some days, I admit I don't care what happens to her as long as I don't have to be involved.

I have become irritable, rude to her and others, I told her I never wanted to see her again and didn't talk to her for several days. My heart goes out to her but I have been stretched beyond what I can bear. She made an agreement that I would come and do what I could only one day a week. Now, she has forgotten and it's been less than a week. She's demanding that I resume my daily care.

As one who has also suffered depression, you know that for you, things are just different. Or at least I feel sure they are in my case. Everyone can get depressed under stress, I understand that. But for me it takes very little stress before the trapdoor opens and I fall into the darkness. My sister tells me to "just deal with it" and "not be so selfish." My brother and his wife are leaving in a few days for a week in Philadelphia and three weeks at a private villa in Tuscany, Italy. Apparently, since he is retired and she is retiring in December, they feel an overwhelming need to get away and relax. Must be nice.

I have one friend who is bipolar and suffers 24x7 from fiendish depression that keeps her in bed, crying, much of the time. We commiserate with each other. She is the only one who understands the hell of balancing medications and mood and family responsibilities. She is paying someone to take care of her mother now. I live on Social Security disability payments and a small pension. I can barely pay my bills each month. If it were not for having at least one person who really understands, I think would go completely under.

Stay strong. Remember the beautiful things and good times you've experienced already. I let them pull me through the long days.

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